Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Anti-Depressants and Attempted Outings

I had an appointment with my GP on Thursday. After that, I was planning to get out and finally go to the wildlife sanctuary. It seemed like a good way to try to get a break from the recent chaos, walk around, see all the cute little animals. I had an early bath, and even freshened up my hair colour for the first time in four months, but all did not go according to plan.

At the appointment, a lot of it was follow-up on the past weeks, the smoking and seizures and stuff. She thinks that the big overdose when I was 12 y.o. has left me some kind of a tendency for seizures.

My blood tests from A&E weren't so great. My vitamin D and calcium were even lower, which was probably from all the vomity yuckness. More bloods. More suggestions for supplements I still haven't been able to take. EEG results take a while to process, but the neurologist didn't freak out at the sight of it, so that's a good sign.

Then we were talking about meds, and mum mentioned she thinks I should have a sleeping pill, which we'd talked about but I just wasn't going to bother mentioning it. I told the GP I have occasional nights when I just don't sleep, but I go through the next day until a usual bedtime just fine. She asked if I'd had temazepam before, but last time they made me hallucinate, so no, not going there.

So in the end, she said to try an extra gabapentin (newer, secondary, so-far-useless antidepressant) on nights I can't sleep, and to cut back on the mirtazapine (anti-depressant I've been on four years, also useless) a little to see if that helps me sleep.

This... I don't know what to say. This really fucked with me. I should mention, at this point in the appointment, I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I just feel so defeated in every way, I couldn't speak up. It probably all sounds ridiculous, but it really upset me.

For a bit of history (and I promise I'll make this quick), I've been on mirtazapine for four years, and gabapentin is the fourth secondary anti-depressant they've tried in the last two years.

My first psychiatrist gave me my first anti-depressant aged 12 - fluoxetine They messed with my head, made me even more depressed, and ultimately lead to me overdosing on the entire medicine cabinet, mentioned before.

After that, I refused to touch medication for years. Then when I was diagnosed with Anorexia, sectioned, and sent to the ED Unit, they initially put me back on fluoxetine. This was some five years after the overdose, for timescale. I fought and begged and plead for them to give me something, anything else. This is how I was first put on mirtazapine, and back in the medication cycle.

I haven't wanted to take myself off them, but if I don't, I'm going to be stuck on them forever. I think I'm starting to agree with what the MHN said, that anti-depressants don't do shit for me. I even asked my GP again this time, 
"Can I just come off them?"

It probably wouldn't have upset me so much if it weren't for everything else that's going on.

I still haven't heard from the mental health nurse. She left in January and she said she'd call and organise a time to catch up in the first week of March, but she never called. I know it's nothing personal, but she made it personal when she said she'd call. It was shitty enough when she had to leave, but that was just rubbing salt into the wound.

I was just starting to trust her and talk to her, and then she left. She was the first person I'd been able to talk to for so many years. And I'm supposed to start seeing this new MHN in May, and ugh.

It's like I'm back to square one, before I started seeing the MHN or my GP or even the dietician. Appointments feel like an obligation again, Something I have to push myself to, instead of welcome breaks. I just want to scream that things are not okay but there's nothing that can be done to make things better.

I feel like I've hit a massive brick wall, and it just keeps building higher and higher.

We were going to go straight from the appointment to wildlife sanctuary, but I ended up having a bit of a meltdown. We did go for a drive to fill in the morning, but didn't go anywhere in particular. Even before the appointment, I was an anxious wreck at the thought of going out, crying, shaking. But still going to try. I've been planning to get there for at least a year now. But right now it's just too much.

I did half get out a couple of weeks ago. It's not much, but it's the furthest I've ventured out since December. Mum went to pick up my brother and his girlfriend from the airport, so I went for a drive along. When we dropped her off, they bought out their foster kitty to the car. I wasn't going to go in, but after much persuading from my brother, I went inside and played with the kitty for a while.

And thank you guys for your feedback on my last post. It was not easy to write, and to be honest I was afraid to check my comments for a few days. I was kind of afraid you'd all freak out, but I think it might help give you all a better idea of what I'm going through. It just really means a lot to me that I've got your support through this.

He also bought me back souvenirs



  1. OK. I'm glad you're .... hanging in there.

    I don't really trust antidepressants. I kind of want to say more but I don't want to be discouraging to other folks who read here and have had good results so I'll just say... ask your docs if you can wean yourself off them slowly.

    There's no point taking them if they aren't working and the effexor has a really bad reaction with you I'd say you need another approach.

    I hope you get some good sunlight in the day, not just for the vitamin D but for your brain to register the day vibe thing, might help with sleeping.

    Sleeping pills may be best avoided. Have you found a glass of wine in the evening helps?

    I don't want to say the wrong thing, I want to be helpful.

    I went through a bad patch and I really found that l needed a new outlook. I got a newspaper delivered daily...shock not an online paper. I kept a book, like a notebook and I wrote down names of politicians and just generally tried to learn/understand how the heck the world works. I kept things i found interesting and glued them in. I also mulled over the crossword and checked it the next day. Sounds boring. But that is not the point. I did something I would never have done in the past. I remember thinking "screw this I'm sick of not knowing anything outside of my zone". Now I wouldn't call myself a political analyst ha ha but in a small way it has helped me
    because I can engage in small talk completely not related to me. It's been invaluable.

    This is just an example. I think it helped me...get out of my own head.

    Just thought I'd share as I do feel quite worried about the situation you're in right now.

    I am glad though that your brother got you in to play with the Kitty that was sweet of him and I totally think it counts as an outing.


  2. Aw, I'm sorry the test results were sorta sucky. Hope you get those supplements soon.
    I'm confused, if the meds aren't doing anything why can't you be taken off them though?
    Hey, Bells, don't pressure yourself if you don't want to go. Don't push yourself, the trip can always wait another day.
    Aw, kitty! I love playing with other people's cats but I'm not responsible enough to take care of one myself.
    I did slightly freak out when I saw your last post, but just because I was worried for you. It's not judging you or anything, I just want you to be safe.
    Wine - that's good right? I hate wine, myself, but my parents and my best friend all love it. It's too sour for my sweet tooth :P
    Take care!


  3. God, you're beautiful.

    nothing related to the post. i just wanted to say it. oh, and wow, wildlife sanctuary sounds like a cute little place to go. however, considering the title, i suppose that it didn't happen?

    either way, let's read on...

    that pains me to read. about the whole 'tendency to have seizures' thing. it is possible. it's just... man, i'm just sorry that you have to go through that, you know?

    blood tests don't sound too good. yeah. take the supplement when you can is all. i hope you work up to it, gorgeous.

    man, you're turning 22. you're April-something too. 20-something (i'm sorry. i am the worst with dates).

    doesn't look like you're having a lot of help drug-wise. i think that she just wants to try and do something instead of nothing. i think that she, too, is trying to think of shit, but is coming up short. though she should just go on with the whole anti-depressant experimentation that she was doing from before (i think she was doing that, right?). man, i'm half-asleep.

    "It probably all sounds ridiculous, but it really upset me." darling. no, it is not ridiculous. if it upsets you, it's not ridiculous. and i'm sorry that it upsets you. and i hope that you feel a little better. somehow things that 'sound ridiculous' but upset me really hit home very easily. i hope that that's not the same for you. i hope that you're feeling a little better now.

    i remember that. again, i am so, so, sorry that you were in that position. especially at such a young age.

    oh, darling. i'd wrap your wounds if i could.

    i am actually about a few minutes away from crying as weird as this sounds. i won't cry as i haven't been physically able to for a while, but...i'm just so sorry you're in such a position.

    "I feel like I've hit a massive brick wall, and it just keeps building higher and higher." i would literally do anything to tear it down. oh, Bella dear... i know you always tell us that you feel like a broken record. and that really stuck with me. and i just wanted to let you know you're not. a lot of times, the things that haunt us...they're repetitive and annoying and it just keeps on sticking in our thoughts for a while. and i just wanted to say that.

    i am so proud of you for doing that. i really am.

    seeing you with the kitty really makes me want to cry too. because it's beautiful. and you're beautiful.

    -Sam Lupin

  4. comment reply:

    Bella, Bella, Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeellls.

    "I love you. I don't have many words right now but I just wanted to say I love you. It took me days to check the comments on my last post, I was so scared of what people were going to say. But you always say the most perfect things. You're just amazing *HUGS*"

    i would NEVER ever EVER judge you for anything you ever do. i'll probably genuinely defend you if you were charged with manslaughter. the thing about that statement is i actually mean it with my whole heart. i'm glad that i say some things that might make you smile a little here and there. the comment above - i was half-drugged, but i was still hoping it was special enough or something.

    i love chocolate coated coffee beans, and i love you.

    "Is it strange I'd prefer a strong black coffee with a block of chocolate on the side? You do make dark chocolate coconut mochas sound tantalizing though." see. i am weak. i am an absolute pussy. i can't take a strong black. i can take a black coffee, but a very sad diluted black. generic black coffee. bring me one of those blacks from a cafe and i'd be spitting it out. but dark chocolate coconut mochas are nice. except when you have too many. then your brain melts (true story).

    "I tried to go to the zoo yesterday, which didn't end up happening, but when I do get there I'm gonna get you a little Aussie animal plushie or something for your birthday (which will probably end up getting there closer to Christmas, but whatever). Do you have a favourite Aussie animal?"

    Bellllllllllllaaaaa. Aussie animals? i want to say something like 'like koalas?' but i cannot for fear of sounding like a stereotypical asshole, but the thing is: I AM a stereotypical asshole. ahahaha. i don't know, honey. i don't know what kind of animals you have in Australia, but man... i'm gonna cry lots.

    Lolita sent me a parcel too and i got it just Sunday and i'm just like: ????! why are they sending me things? do they know that i can't send them anything for a while until i get the whole money thing sorted out?

    you love me way too much. you princess you. but you know what? i love you too.

    -Sam Lupin

  5. Hello!!

    I finally finished reading both your blogs!! Took awhile but I'm all caught up! Yay! :D

    I wondered if volunteer work may help you? Originally I thought you could volunteer at an animal shelter. Like be the dog walker or something, but I think your phobia may make that impossible.

    There is this non profit organization in the states that you could volunteer for and never leave your house!!


    So basically they make burial gowns for babies who die. They make them little angel wings to be buried in to help the parents cope with the death of their newborn. You could get your mom to buy fabric and then make them. Then you could just mail them! I thought it may be good for you to feel like you were making a difference and you are AMAZING at sewing!! :D You could really bring comfort to others which I feel like could make you feel better about yourself! (You are AWESOME btw.)

    Just an idea. I really want you to be happy and healthy. I actually really do care about you even though I know I've never met you.

    I really love video games too. I just bought Wizards and Warriors for the N.E.S. and Oddworld Abe's Odyssy for the Playstation. Totally random. I own a N.E.S, S.N.E.S, N64, gamecube, Wii U, PS3, PS2, Sega Dreamcast, Xbox 360, so yeah I'm a pretty hardcore gamer.

    I adore Portals!! I haven't beaten the 2nd one yet though..

    Good luck Sug! (Short for Sugar, a very southern endearment.)

    Lu Lu

  6. Oh, Bella. :( I'm so sorry that you haven't had much luck with your meds and I really hope that things start flowing more easily for you soon, this sounds truly awful. I also hope you get those supplements soon. And in regards to your last post about the seizures - I care for you so much and I just want you to be happy, because you're entitled to all the health and happiness in the world. I would never, ever judge you for anything, no matter what it is. When you say that you've hit a brick wall and the walls are being built higher and higher - I understand that it feels like this, but even though the walls are being built higher, there is still an end to them and they don't go on forever. And even though you may not reach the top of that brick wall immediately, you still have so much time to do so. That probably sounds so cliche and you've probably heard the same story time and time again but it's true. Good luck, lovely, I hope you feel better. I love you :)
    - Juni xx

  7. I know this is an old post, but I'm catching up.

    I don't want to get into the habit of commenting too much on your super old posts (because you'll be reading my ramblings forever!), but your last paragraph stuck out to me. We don't pick and choose the parts of you we accept and support, lovely. That's what this online community is about, right? Always supportive. Always here. No matter what you come to us with. <3