Another week...

The dietician is officially away for the next month, so I won't be seeing her tomorrow. Four appointments cancelled, five weeks between. After that, she's back for one week before going away for another two.

This June, I'll have been seeing her for three years, with very few appointments missed. She's been far too good to me, as I've never had this long between appointments before. She's had two, maybe three weeks off, but never four. A lot of times, if she has to cancel our appointments, she still comes in to see me first thing in the morning, as was the case last week, but now I don't see her until the 28th.

After that, I think I might re-assess whether I should be seeing her weekly or fortnightly or whatever. I figure this should be a good 'test' to see how I go without. My GP knows that I'm upset about the whole situation, so I might see what she thinks next time I see her.

I'm starting to feel less drained after the whole seizure episode, but I'm still really puke-y.

I haven't been keeping track, but I don't think I've had more than 2 or 3 days without being sick since. The last three mornings, my morning coffee hasn't even stayed down.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty nauseated all day. My first coffee sat fine, but it took me an hour to finish the second one. Most of the day was spent in breakdown-mode, but puke-free.

The evening rolled around, and I'd just started cooking dinner: a safe minced beef and cabbage stir-fry dish. I'd only just finished weighing the ingredients and pre-heated the wok, and felt fine, but as soon as I lit the stove, I was bolting outside to find a bucket.

I was supposed to get my follow-up bloods done last week at the latest, to make sure my calcium and vit. D levels were back up, but I couldn't drag myself out of the house. But after being sick again this morning, I went to the clinic and got them done first thing.

The worst thing when I feel sick, is I have no clue what to do for food. Eating will surely make me feel worse, and it'll probably come back up again anyway. Or do I feel sick because I haven't eaten in so long? Should I try liquids, or something 'heavy' and starchy? Something juice-like, or dairy?

I don't have much to say about this week. It's been one train wreck after another. As soon as I get my stress levels down, it all gets piled straight back on again.

I am so full. Of thoughts and emotions and feelings and pain. But so empty. I can feel it building up inside, and I have to get it out, by crying or screaming or ranting or hurting. All I can feel is negative and I'm so afraid and I feel so completely, utterly, hopelessly lost.

I'm not functioning. My thoughts are a mess in a way I can't explain. It's like hitting a crisis point after the seizures, and you know something needs to change, but instead I'm still tumbling downhill.

I don't want to do anything. Not sew or write or watch or read or game. Australia finally got Netflix on Tuesday. Very exciting stuff. But I can't watch anything. I can't focus. It all seems pointless.

How am I going to get through each day?

“One day at a time”, they say, but even that is too much.

Everything is too much. There are too many things I should be doing, too many things to be organised, too many things to try to balance. I'm caught like a deer in headlights, and I don't know what to do.

So I shut down. I do nothing. I waste away, waste another day, and nothing, there's nothing.

I'm sorry this post is so fragmented. Right now, all of my energy is going into just getting through each day, and even that's an overwhelming prospect.

Forticreme, to change things up a bit from just Ensure. I'm not having them that often, maybe a few times a week if I can manage, but it's good to have them around again. The dietician gave me a four-pack while things got sorted, and we got a box on the doorstep last week – 24 of the things! Good thing they have a long shelf life.

My selection of UK hot chocolates, courtesy of the lovely Lolita. So many different flavours! Australia is truly deprived when it comes to low-cal hot choc.

And just quickly, I wanted to give a quick shout-out to Shelby. I can't find a blog to reply at, but I really wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your support. Your comments always give me some food for thought, and your honesty and directness with speaking your mind is always refreshing.


xxBella