Monday, 30 March 2015

Another week...

The dietician is officially away for the next month, so I won't be seeing her tomorrow. Four appointments cancelled, five weeks between. After that, she's back for one week before going away for another two.

This June, I'll have been seeing her for three years, with very few appointments missed. She's been far too good to me, as I've never had this long between appointments before. She's had two, maybe three weeks off, but never four. A lot of times, if she has to cancel our appointments, she still comes in to see me first thing in the morning, as was the case last week, but now I don't see her until the 28th.

After that, I think I might re-assess whether I should be seeing her weekly or fortnightly or whatever. I figure this should be a good 'test' to see how I go without. My GP knows that I'm upset about the whole situation, so I might see what she thinks next time I see her.


I'm starting to feel less drained after the whole seizure episode, but I'm still really puke-y.
I haven't been keeping track, but I don't think I've had more than 2 or 3 days without being sick since. The last three mornings, my morning coffee hasn't even stayed down.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty nauseated all day. My first coffee sat fine, but it took me an hour to finish the second one. Most of the day was spent in breakdown-mode, but puke-free.
The evening rolled around, and I'd just started cooking dinner: a safe minced beef and cabbage stir-fry dish. I'd only just finished weighing the ingredients and pre-heated the wok, and felt fine, but as soon as I lit the stove, I was bolting outside to find a bucket.

I was supposed to get my follow-up bloods done last week at the latest, to make sure my calcium and vit. D levels were back up, but I couldn't drag myself out of the house. But after being sick again this morning, I went to the clinic and got them done first thing.

The worst thing when I feel sick, is I have no clue what to do for food. Eating will surely make me feel worse, and it'll probably come back up again anyway. Or do I feel sick because I haven't eaten in so long? Should I try liquids, or something 'heavy' and starchy? Something juice-like, or dairy?


I don't have much to say about this week. It's been one train wreck after another. As soon as I get my stress levels down, it all gets piled straight back on again.

I am so full. Of thoughts and emotions and feelings and pain. But so empty. I can feel it building up inside, and I have to get it out, by crying or screaming or ranting or hurting. All I can feel is negative and I'm so afraid and I feel so completely, utterly, hopelessly lost.

I'm not functioning. My thoughts are a mess in a way I can't explain. It's like hitting a crisis point after the seizures, and you know something needs to change, but instead I'm still tumbling downhill.

I don't want to do anything. Not sew or write or watch or read or game. Australia finally got Netflix on Tuesday. Very exciting stuff. But I can't watch anything. I can't focus. It all seems pointless.

How am I going to get through each day?
One day at a time”, they say, but even that is too much.

Everything is too much. There are too many things I should be doing, too many things to be organised, too many things to try to balance. I'm caught like a deer in headlights, and I don't know what to do.

So I shut down. I do nothing. I waste away, waste another day, and nothing, there's nothing.

I'm sorry this post is so fragmented. Right now, all of my energy is going into just getting through each day, and even that's an overwhelming prospect.

Forticreme, to change things up a bit from just Ensure. I'm not having them that often, maybe a few times a week if I can manage, but it's good to have them around again. The dietician gave me a four-pack while things got sorted, and we got a box on the doorstep last week – 24 of the things! Good thing they have a long shelf life.

My selection of UK hot chocolates, courtesy of the lovely Lolita. So many different flavours! Australia is truly deprived when it comes to low-cal hot choc.


And just quickly, I wanted to give a quick shout-out to Shelby. I can't find a blog to reply at, but I really wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your support. Your comments always give me some food for thought, and your honesty and directness with speaking your mind is always refreshing.


xxBella

10 comments:

  1. Thanks mate! Life's a mystery, isn't it? Sometimes it's hard to know the "how,when,wheres,and whys" of life.
    No blog at the moment, maybe down the track.

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  2. Hi bella,
    I hope you are feeling somewhat better and your stomach settles soon.
    Big big hugs from all the way over here in Spain and all my support <3 you are a beautiful person.
    Ooooh and you've made me fancy hot chocolate now! It's been quite windy and chilly here and it would go down a treat, pity I don't have any I'll have to wait till next week when I'm at my mums house XD

    Take care now and rest and recuperate,
    Mandy xx

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  3. I know it's really tough Bella
    When the professionals in our lives have to to go away
    It takes a long time to build up relationships
    And to build trust
    So I know just how you feel
    It happened with me and Mary
    But thankfully she is back in my life again

    I know you've had a rough couple of weeks
    Physical illness really takes it out of us
    Especially when we are sick already
    Just please go easy on yourself Bella
    Rest
    Sleep
    Eat good food
    Be kind to yourself

    Always here for you x

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  4. i'm sorry that the whole situation with the dietitian is a bit crazy right now. so sorry, my dear.

    my heart is sinking into my chest at the thought of you being so ill. oh, darling, oh, darling, oh darling... :(

    i had a comment written up for the whole food confusion, but man, i just gotta tell you that i find it outstanding how one bodily change like that can spin on so many questions. one of the things about my blood sugars now is that i get low blood sugars just like that, and the whole food confusion is insane.

    i'm so sorry things are insane right now, muffin.

    then don't do anything. you don't have to do anything, honey. nothing at all.

    then don't go through the day. go through the hour. when it passes 5 or 6, the day's closing an end anyway. then it's just a blur from then on. or it's supposed to be.

    "There are too many things I should be doing" you don't need to do anything. nothing at all. and doing nothing at all doesn't make you any less of a human being. doing nothing at all doesn't mean anything. it just means that you didn't do the things that could wait a few more days, okay?

    i could've taken the hot choccies pictures. ah, good old Lolita... believe me, Bahrain is also deprived of nice sounding hot choccies. i tried all the Cadbury ones so far. i think i like them all so much. i'm most excited for the Options ones... gah!

    Shelby is something, isn't she? <3

    -Sam Lupin

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  5. comment reply:
    funnily enough i never realied that i didn't think of what prunes were beforehand either.

    see. i had sultanas before. in this porridge of mine i used to buy from Marks and Spencer. looks like that: http://static4.orstatic.com/userphoto/photo/4/3AS/00NGRKEED1F39BC1523352l.jpg they're those beige-coloured things! i didn't think i've ever eaten them alone. funny thing was that i was just walking to the little store next to uni and i just happened to glance over at the dried fruit selection and noticed dried Thompson grapes. and i'm just like: what the bloody hell is this? on the same day that i got this comment from you.

    sultana is a weird word.

    "You got hot chocolate too? Yaaay! Lolita is amazing :) I'm so excited to try all these flavours, Australia is really limited in low-cal hot choc. I cannot decide which one to try first, but it's between either the Cadbury Bournville or Fudge."

    same! i've gone with Caramel, Fudge then Bournville. i've had both the caramel and fudge ones a year or so back when they actually sold them. they aren't selling them anymore for whatever reason but we used to have Cadbury highlights. bloody hell, this country...

    "And we're sending parcels because we love you. I'm a terror with sending parcels. I have... three? half-finished parcels to send to bloggers." awwwww. well, don't stress yourself out about said parcels. i suck because i'm just sitting here going like: oh, yes, i'll accept pressies, but because of credit card problems now, i can't send you any. i might never send you any.

    "I have a hard time believing you're younger than me." yes, there's a two year difference between us BUT i hear this from everyone. everyone always assumes i'm so much older than they are for some reason or another or that i'm just plain old. i just take it as a high compliment and leave it at that!

    "You're seriously so smart and accomplished and gifted, and I'm a high school dropout potato :P" you're also smart, and accomplished enough in my eyes and gifted as hell. the only form of cooking i can do is putting a Pop-Tart in the toaster, and hopefully, in the next few years, i'll learn how to sew (bodies of course but...)

    "Your comments are one of the few joys in my days at the moment, one of the few things that make me smile and make me feel all warm-and-fuzzy." and this is the highest compliment i have ever received from anyone.

    i remember our comments on how we were amazed that we both haven't plucked the courage to talk to each other on blogs, even though i always saw your comments and you saw mine. we are usually the first to comment on blogs, but oh, dear, i got to say: i'm still amazed that i haven't been reading from you sooner as you are just about one of the biggest light of my lives. genuinely. i would literally stay alive for as long as i can and keep on eating just to have the decency to leave you a comment that leaves you fuzzy and warm.

    i find that just by seeing your username, my heart just speeds up and i get warm and fuzzy before i even read one of your comments. it doesn't matter what you say. every sentence you say is gold.

    ("i'll probably genuinely defend you if you were charged with manslaughter"
    I love you.) i mean this with all the truth i can muster. you could do nothing wrong in my eyes. nothing at all. for you, i'll leave my tendencies and aspirations of being a robot and abandon complete and utter logic. i'll indulge in a hundred forms of bias. ;)

    i finally looked up a wombat.

    i remember wombats. Chase from House - they used to make jokes about wombats and him (i still don't remember that he's Australian goddammit).

    i had to look up what an emu was. oh man, that asshole got some serious leggage.

    see. i was going to say koala but then i just thought: isn't that stereotypical? what next? am i going to mention Steve Irwin?

    -Sam Lupin




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  6. You're very positive about your dietician leaving (or at least, not pessimistic), and the whole situation is sorta unfair (I think I missed the post or something), maybe you'd feel better if you speak to your GP about it.
    Oh dear. I hope you get less puke-y. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug to make you feel better. (I know it won't make you physically better but I think you get what I mean, unless of course hugs aren't your thing)
    Maybe ask one of your doctors for what you should eat? Something starchy, I'd recommend, so that it gives energy but of course that's just what I think, and I'm not a biologist.
    I'm sorry you're feeling sad this week. Maybe the throwing up is affecting you, and your mood. It's okay to take some time to just be there and not do anything, don't push yourself into a hobby when you'll not enjoy it.
    Maybe not one day at a time then? An hour? You don't have to follow the rule sand listen to what "they" say.
    No, no. There aren't thinks you should be doing, remember? They're things you could be doing, but it is your choice. One thing at a time, and take all the time in the world to do it.
    Don't apologize for your posts, especially when writing is hard for you. It's already amazing that you are posting.
    I've given up drinking hot chocolate a long time ago - I do miss it, but not that much. I much rather prefer solid chocolate :P
    I'm not sure what I'm commenting is making sense but I hope it brings you comfort.
    Take care, dearest Bella!

    Love,
    Christie

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  7. That's great that Australia got Netflix! I still have yet to sign up for it, but I borrow my boyfriend's from time to time and it is so wonderful. Wow, those hot chocolates look wonderful! I am so sorry you have to go so long without an appointment, especially when you've had a working system for so long. Miserable to hear that you're still throwing up, my dear Bella. I wish you the best, and I wish you to feel better as soon as possible. Please try not to stress out too much, it's always wonderful to hear from you, even if you think it's fragmented.
    Take care of yourself.
    <3 Lee

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  8. How do *normal* people do it? How do they go around just living when some of us can barely function?

    One step at a time, right? Yes. Stay safe.

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  9. BRAT diet. Banana, rice, apple and tea. It's for recovery from illness. HTH

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    Replies
    1. D'oh I mean banana rice applesauce/puree and toast.

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