Tuesday, 7 April 2015

When Tradies Invade

Over the past couple of weeks, we've been having a bit of plumbing work done around the house. 

For me, one of my biggest fears is having people in the house. It doesn't matter if I know them or if they're strangers (although the latter is obviously worse). I just can't deal with it. At all.

The fear came pretty directly from the abusive 'relationship' (I hate that word - I prefer the term 'abusive situation') when I was 14/15. It was one of the last times I let someone in the house.

It's been this way for years. Four, maybe five years ago would've been the last time we had visitors. Even my brother's girlfriend of four years has only been over once or twice (and even then I wasn't actually in the house). I feel awful because I know it's unfair on my family, but I just can't cope with it.

Anyway, the plumbers have been here for four or five sporadic days over the past few weeks. They turn up pretty much when they feel like it, so I've been on edge the whole time, waiting for the phone call that banishes me to the garage with five minutes notice.

Last week was different. 8:30am, and mum and I are sitting on the back porch, having a coffee and a smoke as per usual, and there's a metallic clattering out the front. It sounds like ladders. Mum went to check if it was the plumbers, remarking that they'd usually call first. They'd been there the day before, though, and said they'd be back tomorrow.

Then I hear the front door open, and a "good morning!"
PANIC. I grab my phone, water bottle and smokes (the true essentials in life) and bolt inside. I don't know why I went inside when I usually retreat to the garage. But I ended up in my bedroom, sitting on the floor next to the bed, hyperventilating and sobbing and having one of the worst panic attacks I've had in a while.

Mum came in and found me. She told me the plumbers were still out the front if I wanted to go out to the garage. So I bolted again. She brought me out my meds, an extra lorazepam, my notebooks and a box of tissues. All I could say was "it's not okay, it's not okay".

I haven't been coping well with having them in the house at the best of times, but the fact they didn't even call made me totally freak out. It felt like the house had been invaded and I was trapped, and it was so not okay.

I kept telling myself; hey, at least it's the last day.
But of course, while doing the last job they discovered another problem with the guttering, so they'll be here for three full days this week.

...

Today has been another day of anxiety, waiting to see if the plumbers will turn up, because who knows if they'll call first or not. They did not. But tomorrow, the plumbers will be here, and I'll be cocooned in the lounge room from 8:30-4:30 for three days straight.

Usually, I base myself on the back porch for the bulk of the day, in my armchair, surrounded by all the necessary comforts. But with tradies hovering the perimeter, there's not a hope in hell of me sitting outside. The garage/car is simply not feasible for three whole days, as I wouldn't be able to go inside for anything in case they were near. My bedroom is a no-go, and I still haven't put the blinds up in my study. So it's the lounge room.

I even have a list of things I must do before 8:30 and things I cannot forget. This morning my notebooks (intake, smoking, notes-notebook and journal), smoking gear, pens, tweezers, water bottle, Coke Zero, were all in a pile ready to go.

I'll be ninja-stealth'ing it to the toilet and kitchen. Even though they'll be working outside, they'll still be walking through the house itself, and the lounge-kitchen-toilet is right along their rite of passage.

I really, really don't like having people in the house.

But I haven't thrown up for three days straight, so hey, bonus.

And I'm sorry for being so negative lately. I know it probably doesn't make for the most pleasant reading, but there just isn't a lot positive going on right now. Every thought I have is negative. I haven't been doing much at all. I stare at the wall, pick at my skin, and smoke. Everything just seems to take so much effort. I don't know why it's so hard. I'm just so sad, so stuck. It's actually been scaring me how low I feel. But I don't know what to do any more. Nothing's that simple.

Thank you guys for putting up with me through all of this. Seriously, it means the world to me to know there's a group of people who'll be there for me, good days and bad days. 


xxBella

7 comments:

  1. Sending hugs and hugs and more hugs. That is so awful. I also hate having people in the house, but luckily Mark doesn't like it either so it doesn't happen very often. I've been using the magic cleaning apron a bunch lately and I'm ACTUALLY making some headway! Hooray. Thanks to you for sewing magic into the seams. Love you mucho mucho. xo

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  2. Bella dear! Ah, you worry me so. I was going to send you an email, but I didn't want to stress you out >.< I just get concerned when you don't post, since you are usually so punctual at doing so. (I'm not mad or anything and I don't want to pressure you, though.)
    Oh dear. It must be horrible for you to suffer through the plumbing work. You're really brave to do this.
    And I'm happy to hear that your health is better - I mean, you didn't throw up, so that definitely is better health right?
    Hey, we all get negative sometimes. It takes time to figure out things, and sometimes we just don't want to figure this out at all. Take your time. I really, really hope that you feel better.
    We'll always be here, Bella. Take care of yourself, sweetie.

    Love,
    Christie

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  3. Bella <3
    I hope you are feeling better soon, you must be going through hell with the plumbing... I'm sending lots of hugs your way my dear and I hope it's over soon. Strong anxiety is the worst...
    Take care you lovely person, you <3
    Mandy xx

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  4. Lol I'd be on the lookout for a nice handsome apprentice. Love trades. :p

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  5. No need to apologise dear Bells
    We know how tough it is for you
    And having been there myself
    I can totally empathise

    I think you dealt with the whole house intrusion very well
    You made a plan and you got through it
    Well done you

    I know sometimes life seems so pointless
    And so hopeless
    Like there is no light at the end of the tunnel
    But please don't give up Bella
    There is always hope
    I promise you that

    Keep hanging in there ok?
    You are so loved x

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  6. my heart already breaks. i'm so sorry you were caught into one of those relationships. you really don't deserve it (though i don't know anyone that deserves any kind of pain, little butterfly).

    "I feel awful because I know it's unfair on my family, but I just can't cope with it." don't feel that way, honey. guilt i learned is just a waste of time. it's not your fault that you can't. and i'm sure that they understand.

    i feel like i have a right to comment about the smokes, but i wasn't sure how. dammit.

    :( aw, sweetie. i'm so sorry you were such in a panic. i think the thing is with anxiety, is the as Ruby has stated before, the anxiety is usually worse than the event occurring. i'm so sorry that you've had such a terrible panic attack. i'm sorry that they didn't call or give you a moment's notice. it sickens me that this terrible panic attack probably wouldn't have happened if they just picked up the bleeding phone.

    i'm glad that the Mum understood though. just thinking of you in such a state makes my heart plummet down to my chest.

    "But I haven't thrown up for three days straight, so hey, bonus." i see this as a very good thing. i just wanted to say.

    as for the situation, i too like Ruby thought you dealt with it very well. i'm glad that you got the lounge room and i hope that the next few days pass by quickly (as quickly as they could when anticipating events that you don't want to occur) but even so, time passes. things changes.

    "And I'm sorry for being so negative lately." don't apologise for what you need to write to us, dear, to help yourself feel a bit better. it is not your fault. this is your blog. your space. it is like your journal, but with people that can offer you some niceness that you might need to go through on.

    "Every thought I have is negative. I haven't been doing much at all. I stare at the wall, pick at my skin, and smoke." aw, sweetie, i'm so sorry. i genuinely feel like such things tug at my heartstrings. i feel like i always say the same things, but i feel like you do need to hear them as often as possible: you're special, talented, gifted and an extraordinary individual and i wouldn't change a thing about you. nothing at all!

    nothing's that simple now but things hopefully will get simpler over time. i cannot tell you for sure that things will get better, but if they will, i will celebrate every single milestone with you. the day that you find that light is the day i wait for anxiously. i sometimes feel like i want a way out of this more desperately than you do. the day that you feel better again might genuinely triumph the idea of me being first in my class if i do graduate out of this hell hole (i hope you realise how important your happiness is to me when i say that considering that i am an obsessive individual that only seems to want good grades in life. speaking of which, i have to study some immunosupressive drugs right now...)

    -Sam Lupin

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  7. I think you handled it remarkably well, considering. Panic attacks are definitely one of the worst feelings. Definitely a positive with the no throwing up though. <3

    Don't apologise for being negative. This is your space to write. Hopefully though, things will begin to look up for you. It saddens me to see you stuck in this place.

    Much love <3 xxxx

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