Real-Life Friends

On Saturday I got out of the house to see my friend, R. I only see friends in real life once or twice a year lately, so this seemed worth mention.

We were drinking, so I chose a bottle of wine online which mum ran in to pick up for me en route. Over the last few years I've discovered that vodka & Diet Coke is not always the best option - I simply cannot fit 8-9 standard drinks into 750ml, and trying to have more than a couple will lead to my stomach rejecting it.

When I got there he was cooking bacon and eggs, which was okay because it was relatively safe (it was even lean shortcut bacon). I wasn't hugely fussed about the calories and wanted to be polite. I'd been overly-concious of my weight and bubbling with anxiety all day, and knowing I'd be drinking my calories, only had a few crackers in the afternoon.

I know a few of you responded to me saying I felt fat in my last post, so I wanted to add a little bit on in this post. I think I have a bit of a fear of not losing weight in between seeing individual friends. I've been so isolated pretty much since I developed Anorexia, so I feel like people have some sort of an expectation of me. But then it's like, I weigh about the same as I did a year ago, so I must be fine, right?

We watched Big Hero 6, which I somehow have not seen before, and drank close to two bottles. I thought I was going to be sick in the middle of the night but I managed to stomach it. I didn't sleep that great. I'm not good at sleeping in different environments any more, and sleep is a tough thing in general at the moment.

He asked how my health was going at one point, but I never know what to say to this. I've always been fairly open about my mental health, but nine times out of ten, I deflect by talking about my physical health, COPD, osteoporosis, the seizures. Because really, what am I going to say?

I get a lot of anxiety just about talking to people, even online. I feel like I don't know how to talk to people any more, especially normal people. Like, holding conversations. Everything feels so shallow and forced unless I spend a day stressing over what I'm going to say. He's pretty good at keeping the conversation going which makes me feel a little less awkward, but still.

I had a pretty bad breakdown within half an hour of getting home. It's really a sharp, sudden contrast to go from drinking and laughing with a friend to landing back in the same old world of shit where it's a struggle to get through each day. It happens nearly whenever I leave the house. I wanted to tear my skin off. I spent the next day and night sleeping more solidly than I have in months. 

I still haven't gotten out anywhere else except to see the kitten a few weeks ago, so no where in public. The overwhelming urge lately is to hide from the world. Warrnambool is next Friday and I'm already edgy as hell about it.

Tipsy selfies because evidently I'm more photogenic (and more likely to smile) after I've had a few. 

I barely picked at my skin (on my face and arms, anyway) for some three days beforehand. Also the first time I did my hair and makeup in months. 

xxBella