Tuesday, 21 April 2015

Real-Life Friends

On Saturday I got out of the house to see my friend, R. I only see friends in real life once or twice a year lately, so this seemed worth mention.

We were drinking, so I chose a bottle of wine online which mum ran in to pick up for me en route. Over the last few years I've discovered that vodka & Diet Coke is not always the best option - I simply cannot fit 8-9 standard drinks into 750ml, and trying to have more than a couple will lead to my stomach rejecting it.

When I got there he was cooking bacon and eggs, which was okay because it was relatively safe (it was even lean shortcut bacon). I wasn't hugely fussed about the calories and wanted to be polite. I'd been overly-concious of my weight and bubbling with anxiety all day, and knowing I'd be drinking my calories, only had a few crackers in the afternoon.

I know a few of you responded to me saying I felt fat in my last post, so I wanted to add a little bit on in this post. I think I have a bit of a fear of not losing weight in between seeing individual friends. I've been so isolated pretty much since I developed Anorexia, so I feel like people have some sort of an expectation of me. But then it's like, I weigh about the same as I did a year ago, so I must be fine, right?

We watched Big Hero 6, which I somehow have not seen before, and drank close to two bottles. I thought I was going to be sick in the middle of the night but I managed to stomach it. I didn't sleep that great. I'm not good at sleeping in different environments any more, and sleep is a tough thing in general at the moment.

He asked how my health was going at one point, but I never know what to say to this. I've always been fairly open about my mental health, but nine times out of ten, I deflect by talking about my physical health, COPD, osteoporosis, the seizures. Because really, what am I going to say?

I get a lot of anxiety just about talking to people, even online. I feel like I don't know how to talk to people any more, especially normal people. Like, holding conversations. Everything feels so shallow and forced unless I spend a day stressing over what I'm going to say. He's pretty good at keeping the conversation going which makes me feel a little less awkward, but still.

I had a pretty bad breakdown within half an hour of getting home. It's really a sharp, sudden contrast to go from drinking and laughing with a friend to landing back in the same old world of shit where it's a struggle to get through each day. It happens nearly whenever I leave the house. I wanted to tear my skin off. I spent the next day and night sleeping more solidly than I have in months. 

I still haven't gotten out anywhere else except to see the kitten a few weeks ago, so no where in public. The overwhelming urge lately is to hide from the world. Warrnambool is next Friday and I'm already edgy as hell about it.

Tipsy selfies because evidently I'm more photogenic (and more likely to smile) after I've had a few. 
I barely picked at my skin (on my face and arms, anyway) for some three days beforehand. Also the first time I did my hair and makeup in months. 



  1. Dear Bella
    I am so very proud of you for facing your fear
    And going to see your friend
    And I am super impressed that you stayed the night despite anxiety and feeling sick
    Really well done girl!
    You never cease to amaze me!

    I can relate so much to what you wrote about not being able to talk to people
    And it feeling so forced
    I get huge anxiety around talking to people my own age or younger than me
    I think it's because I compare myself to them
    I feel I have achieved very little in my 33 years
    And I feel less than them
    You know?

    I hope seeing your friend gave you a taste of what your life could be like
    People love you Bella
    Because you are kind and thoughtful
    And an all round beautiful person
    I hope someday you see it too

    All my love x

    1. Awww dont be like that. Youre great. there's plenty of time left. Most people don't really get going and do meaningful things til 40 or so. X

  2. I'm glad you had a good time with your friend Bella.

  3. At least you did it.

    And you have a beautiful smile.

  4. Hey, i'm happy to read, you had a good time with your friend.
    I'm following your Blog since a gewesen Months, but never felt Luke writing a comment, cause i also have Problem to get and stay in Contact with people. As you also see, my English isn't the best.
    But now I want Tor letzten your Know-How I'm proud offen you, fighting that hard against anorexia and mental Problems. Go on like this.
    Greetings, Iwik

  5. I really love your hair colour :) I also know what you mean about not seeing people. If I didn't have to work, I'd never see anyone. Xo

  6. I love you so so so much my lovely little bella starshine, I'm always reading, even if my words are limited and I seem to go awol. I love you so much and you honestly mean the word to me, and when/ if I get out of this trauma place I will be flying over to Australia and meeting you if you ever felt up for it, you are my little gemstone and you shine bright even when my world is pitch black. thank you so much your friendship means so much to me xxxxxxxxxx

  7. I love you, Bella.

    I love you, I love you Bella. I love you so much that I just want to cry because you're so wonderful.

    just something I wanted to say before I go ahead and read this post. <3

    teheh. i'm already giggling. either I've gone absolutely nutters from all the acidosis and alkalosis that I have to learn or i'm actually just happy to hear from you. I believe it is a mixture of both, bunny.

    i'll just sit here when you talk about alcohol, which i know very little about except for it's that thing that has follows zero order reaction, which means that consuming more of it will not make your body process it faster. which is why drinking lots is not a good idea.

    oh, and infants can't metabolise alcohol. they don't have the enzyme alcohol dehydrogenase. which means mother that drinks alcohol = transfers it through placenta and might risk the baby developing foetal alcohol syndrome.

    bacon and eggs. my father had that for breakfast today along with toast with jam and butter. i want to add on: MY jam. my raspberry jam. which i paid for.

    bad Bella. only having a few crackers. i'm sorry you felt like you had to do that. :( <3

    "I weigh about the same as I did a year ago, so I must be fine, right?" honey, i want to tell you that the only one that thinks that is you. and i have just done that. and it's true.

    i also have not watched Big Hero 6.

    :( sorry to hear about sleeping but otherwise, it seemed everything had gone alright with meeting the friend (despite the sleep and the crackers and the pre-meeting anxiety). i'm glad the actual meeting wasn't bad. i love you lots.

    i think the more you spend time isolated from anything, the more anxiety related to that situation, but honestly, i find that the only way to combat any form of anxiety is to do things repeatedly enough that the anxiety doesn't exist anymore. i'm sure you know this too, and it probably doesn't sound like much of an option to you, honey, but i just wanted to put it out there. just as a reference? something to look back to? i don't know.


    "I had a pretty bad breakdown within half an hour of getting home. It's really a sharp, sudden contrast to go from drinking and laughing with a friend to landing back in the same old world of shit where it's a struggle to get through each day." oh, honey. i'm so sorry. this actually makes me so sad to know. i hope you're feeling better now.

    smile, sweetie. your tiara is falling. (and i know it's overused but i smile whenever i read something like that.)

    you look absolutely beautiful. you always do.


    i absolutely love you to the moon and back. <3 i always get happy just knowing you are around. you're just so lovely. and i hope that you feel better every few days. you're such a bright star to me, but i'm sorry you can't see yourself shine. but others can.

    -Sam Lupin

  8. I'm glad you got out to see your friend, though I'm sorry you broke down when you got home. I know that sharp contrasty feeling very well; I HATE coming back to New Jersey after I've been away somewhere better (and pretty much everywhere is better). Hang in there, and keep trying to get out.

    Your hair is lovely.


  9. Hi Bella <3 Proud of you ^-^
    Venturing out can be scary and you did so well bella, so so well. Oh my dear, I'm sorry to hear about the breakdown afterwards.. I totally understand the mental crash that that sort of contrast can bring about but I'm sad that you had to feel those things..
    It sounds like you had a nice time with him though and I'm glad about that, keep friends that make you feel pleasant close.

    You are stunning my dear. Absolutely. I LOVE your hair. You look so nice in those photos and your piercings really suit you. <3

    Thank you for your lovely words on my last post and I just want you to know that I'm here for you too should you need to talk as well.

    Love you to bits <3
    Mandy xx