Tuesday, 14 April 2015

It never rains, but it pours

I'm going to spend a night away, the weekend after my birthday at the end of the month.

We're going to Warrnambool, which has turned out to be a safe-ish destination as I've been there a few times these past few years. Mum is slightly obsessed with a cheese & butter factory down there, so we make the two hour drive to pick up kilograms of aged cheddar a few times each year. There have been times I haven't felt up to going out, but we've still driven down to pick up the cheese while I sit in the car, do a U-turn and come home.

It's very hard on me to be two hours away from home with only the car to retreat to. Day trips are extremely stressful when I don't have that space. I've had some devastating breakdowns in the car, crying and shaking and feeling like I'm going to die because I just can't be there and not knowing how I'll get through the journey home. It's not good, for me or for mum. Considering these breakdowns happen on most outings, I've kinda been holding out for this overnight trip before we returned to stock up on cheese.

But there's an added anxiety this time. We've stayed down there overnight a couple of times before, mum and I, though not for a while now. But some time ago, I suggested to my brother that he and his girlfriend join us on one of our cheese trips. So this time, there'll be four of us.

I'm not used to being around people, aside from my mum and brother, so it's going to be an experience for me. I feel incredibly awkward around people, to say the least. I pick at my skin, and am constantly on the edge of an anxiety attack or other breakdown, and then there's the food issues, and I can't hold conversations normally, and have strange, hard-to-understand boundaries when it comes to where I can and can't go when I leave the house, and am just... yeah.

Part of me is looking forward to going, having a nice dinner, a few drinks, going shopping... But the bigger of me is just dreading it. I am literally filled with dread.

My brother booked and paid for both rooms last week, so there's no backing out now. I can't just panic and decide to cancel it, especially when it involves other people. After so many failed outings in the last six months, this one has to happen. 

Given my constant urge to hide from the world and everything/everyone in it, it's going to be a challenge. 

On top of this, I got a message on Facebook this morning from a real-life friend, let's just call him R, asking if I'd like to spend some time together this weekend.

I know what you're thinking: "Real life friends? Since when does Bella have any of those?"
Yes, I do still have some friends who I know from the real world, but the few remaining are seldom seen or spoken to.

In the past three years, I've spent time with a grand total of two friends, E and R. I hung out with E three times, but haven't seen her for the last couple of years. This will be the third time I've seen R, but again I haven't seen him for over a year now.
In the few years before that, I was dating my ex-boyfriend but even more isolated (if that is even possible).

My anxiety levels are through the roof right now. I still haven't replied. I should really do that at some point before the end of the day... I've been shutting myself off and really bad with replying (or even reading) messages these past few weeks, like, more so than usual. In case you were wondering, yes, I am going to try to get over to see him, but oh god, the anxiety. I'll even put on Real People clothes and make-up for the first time in months *shock horror*

(and oh god, I'm still so fat)

I'm over halfway through my five weeks without the dietician. I see my GP this week, but that's the only appointment in all that time.

To be honest, I'm not missing the appointments that much. Yes, I'm kinda missing having some semblance of routine in my life, but ever since the Scales Drama, the appointments have become more of a black spot than anything else. I don't open up and talk to her like I used to. She doesn't weigh me any more. I haven't been accepting much support with food for a while, so there's little missed there. I'm still tossing up about cutting back to fortnightly appointments when she gets back, because I really don't see the point of going weekly any more, but it would really be a huge change when I have so little in my days.

I'm starting to think I should just give up on the real world and start playing World of Warcraft again.



  1. I wondered when the cheese factory would feature again ;)

    You might see this differently but there's two things here that I think are amazingly brave given the circumstances:
    You suggested a trip with other people
    You're going to see a friend in real life! :)

    I know the anxiety is looming overhead about both of these, but I still think the small challenges are a great idea. A big victory in actually deciding to do both in spite of this? :)

    I do hope they both go well for you. <3 xxx

  2. Ha, World of Warcraft... Im on the League of Legends train right now. Nerds.

    Bell, if you were fat you wouldn't be having a ton of doctor visits every week. I know that you know you're not, deep down there somewhere or else why would people say things to the contrary? It's definitely not just to be nice. Even the mean people say you're thin and they have no reason to lie since they're all hiding behind "anonymous" being rude. I'm just saying... I know you've got to be tired of feeling this way and it's okay to accept that things are okay now and it's okay for you to be okay, not frozen to the spot he left you. That's exactly what people like that want. But that's all I'll say.

    I understand the awkward feelings. We just went to back home to the bf's family and I'm from a different social class than them! I feel like the lower middle class Midwestern farm girl that goes to the big city richer home but they're nice people. Definitely different than how mine act and as a result I feel a little out of place. I'm sure your brother had told her and if she wasn't comfortable with the idea of going she probably wouldn't have. It's going to be surprising for her, I'm sure, but everyone is going for fun. You're safe with people that love you.

    Good luck! I hope it turns out fun. Love you lots.

  3. Hahaha Joe is hooked on WoW. He's trying to rope me in to it too, but I can't afford the membership xD

    I'm really proud of you and how you are edging out of your comfort zone a little bit. I'm sure you will do great, and even if it's hard, I'll still be really proud ^-^

    Cheese, omg, I need to go there sometime. I'd marry cheese if I could.
    Take care of yourself dear, you are wonderfully strong :*
    Mandy xx

  4. oh, beautiful. i'm glad you are. i hope it goes well. can i tell you something? i'm proud of you.

    can i ask you something that's been picking at my brain? how can one consume a kilogram of cheese without it, er, going bad? i was always told that fresh proper cheese only lasts so long. does she make lasagna or pizza every night? though i have to admit, i'm loving the mother's butter and cheese thing that she's got going on there. proper.

    i'm so sorry they're stressful. i really am. yet i admire you for your courage, my dear. i can only imagine how hard this might be for you, and i genuinely hope that you're able to break out of these fears somehow. i hold onto hope, because if we do not have hope, then that is the moment where one truly has nothing. they are suspended into space, with nothing to cling on until something saves them, or they somehow are able to save themselves.

    i'd like to think i'm clinging onto stars of hope, and that sometimes, they burn and they itch but it's such a nice view and such a nice thought that i'd keep on clinging just a bit longer. i should probably go to bed before i continue on my escapade of metaphors-that-don't-make-any-sense. but alas.

    very proud of you for offering the suggestion. don't think i didn't read the "i suggested". very good job Bella. i hope that this is somewhat comfortable for you and that it is not as painful as anticipated.

    you are not judged. and even if you are, who cares about what anyone thinks? the people that matter understand you and that is all that matters. i can only feel like some of these anxiety issues are spun from fear of judgment or lack of humiliation, or the whole "people are watching me" feelings that might accompany any of those feelings. i don't know why. it's just a thought, because that's what comes to mind when i think of why anyone would isolate themselves other than fear of the truly unexpected and situations that cannot be controlled.

    focus on the part that wants it more than the one that doesn't. fill yourself with the thought of how good this is going to be for you. you're going to accomplish a good old milestone here, honey. and i'm proud of you for doing so.

    i know it's going to be a challenge. we all do. even when i read the first sentence, i knew that this is going to be hard. but you're tough too, Bella. don't forget that.

    i did not think that. psshhh. Bella.

    calm down, Bella. breathe, darling. <3 and hey, i'm proud of you for even trying to. i know you can and you should.

    also, don't call yourself fat. you are not fat. you are 70% water but i'm not calling you water, am i? you are Bella, i.e. beautiful. in every single way. and i will continue to say this even if you gain 20 kilos more, because that doesn't matter to me or anyone that truly does matter. and you know this (i hope you do). in fact, those that love you would like you to be nice, healthy and nourished and we would like for you to feel better soon.

    i'm so sorry that things have been hard. but you are and have never been a number. you are not an eating disorder or an anxiety issue or depression or whatever else you were diagnosed with. you are a person. a person with experiences, thoughts, feelings, and an intrinsic beauty that cannot be replicated by others. you are absolutely, completely and utterly perfect.

    yes, i know i went off a tangent but i really dislike it when people call themselves fat. and you are just so much more than a number and i hope you realise it. or at least feel it for a second today. <3

    "I'm starting to think I should just give up on the real world and start playing World of Warcraft again." this i get by on!

    -Sam Lupin

  5. comment reply:

    i must say i sported a big old grin when i read "did my virtual chocolate cake reach you?" (note that i'm actually typing this myself as i'm reading the comment from my phone as i'm too lazy to open it in a web browser).

    am i terrible for still grinning at 'slapping Mum in the face'? she means well. she really does. i believe she's afraid that i'll just end up putting on so much weight i'm back to HW (which was 217. which was quite a bit away.) i understand why she said it the first time but why she had to repeat it is a painful thing for me. though she did soften up recently. she bought me some almond milk on my request and keeps on telling me that when i order, i just have to order for sisters. no mentions of 'you're eating too much'. a good sign!

    my Mother is also an Arab. when you go to any part of Asia, they're blunt and straight into your face. they don't really care much for hurting your feelings. they will make quips about your body just like that. which i find highly annoying.

    don't call me a doctor. i might not pass medical school (teheh). <3 but afterwards, feel free to call me the god forsaken intern.

    oh no. i think i lost it at "buy all the delicious food". how could i deny your requests, Bella?

    it's nice to hear these words. i wrote that posts into one of those half-crying half-angry completely and utterly sad states, so yeah, it was a bit on the melodramatic side but i told myself i had to practice being a melodramatic human before i turn into a completely logical human being that has no feelings. somehow, the first example of this i can think of is Sherlock Holmes or House, but even they have too many feelings for me.

    oh my God, no. Lolita has been dreaming about me for years. i've had people dream about me before. even Oliver Wood used to dream much about me. i think a family member once dreamed about me too. i always like to hear that i've been in someone's dreams. tell me - did i look like myself? because sometimes, you dream about someone and you know that they are that person but somehow, they look nothing like that person in real life at all?

    by the way, knowing that my comments are bright spots make me so fucking happy you have no clue. you are so special, Bella and i hope i don't trip up one day and say something stupid. because i can, as i am human. and if i do, remember - i never write with the intend to hurt you.


    -Sam Lupin

  6. Overnight is a big step but you like warnambool and it's safe so best of luck dear!

    And it's a beautiful time of year to be going. Beautiful season.

    I'd like to go there myself. I'm all about good butter recently.