I'm going to spend a night away, the weekend after my birthday at the end of the month.
We're going to Warrnambool, which has turned out to be a safe-ish destination as I've been there a few times these past few years. Mum is slightly obsessed with a cheese & butter factory down there, so we make the two hour drive to pick up kilograms of aged cheddar a few times each year. There have been times I haven't felt up to going out, but we've still driven down to pick up the cheese while I sit in the car, do a U-turn and come home.
It's very hard on me to be two hours away from home with only the car to retreat to. Day trips are extremely stressful when I don't have that space. I've had some devastating breakdowns in the car, crying and shaking and feeling like I'm going to die because I just can't be there and not knowing how I'll get through the journey home. It's not good, for me or for mum. Considering these breakdowns happen on most outings, I've kinda been holding out for this overnight trip before we returned to stock up on cheese.
But there's an added anxiety this time. We've stayed down there overnight a couple of times before, mum and I, though not for a while now. But some time ago, I suggested to my brother that he and his girlfriend join us on one of our cheese trips. So this time, there'll be four of us.
I'm not used to being around people, aside from my mum and brother, so it's going to be an experience for me. I feel incredibly awkward around people, to say the least. I pick at my skin, and am constantly on the edge of an anxiety attack or other breakdown, and then there's the food issues, and I can't hold conversations normally, and have strange, hard-to-understand boundaries when it comes to where I can and can't go when I leave the house, and am just... yeah.
Part of me is looking forward to going, having a nice dinner, a few drinks, going shopping... But the bigger of me is just dreading it. I am literally filled with dread.
My brother booked and paid for both rooms last week, so there's no backing out now. I can't just panic and decide to cancel it, especially when it involves other people. After so many failed outings in the last six months, this one has to happen.
Given my constant urge to hide from the world and everything/everyone in it, it's going to be a challenge.
On top of this, I got a message on Facebook this morning from a real-life friend, let's just call him R, asking if I'd like to spend some time together this weekend.
I know what you're thinking: "Real life friends? Since when does Bella have any of those?"
Yes, I do still have some friends who I know from the real world, but the few remaining are seldom seen or spoken to.
In the past three years, I've spent time with a grand total of two friends, E and R. I hung out with E three times, but haven't seen her for the last couple of years. This will be the third time I've seen R, but again I haven't seen him for over a year now.
In the few years before that, I was dating my ex-boyfriend but even more isolated (if that is even possible).
My anxiety levels are through the roof right now. I still haven't replied. I should really do that at some point before the end of the day... I've been shutting myself off and really bad with replying (or even reading) messages these past few weeks, like, more so than usual. In case you were wondering, yes, I am going to try to get over to see him, but oh god, the anxiety. I'll even put on Real People clothes and make-up for the first time in months *shock horror*
BUT SO MUCH ANXIETY
(and oh god, I'm still so fat)
I'm over halfway through my five weeks without the dietician. I see my GP this week, but that's the only appointment in all that time.
To be honest, I'm not missing the appointments that much. Yes, I'm kinda missing having some semblance of routine in my life, but ever since the Scales Drama, the appointments have become more of a black spot than anything else. I don't open up and talk to her like I used to. She doesn't weigh me any more. I haven't been accepting much support with food for a while, so there's little missed there. I'm still tossing up about cutting back to fortnightly appointments when she gets back, because I really don't see the point of going weekly any more, but it would really be a huge change when I have so little in my days.
I'm starting to think I should just give up on the real world and start playing World of Warcraft again.