Saturday, 11 June 2016


The dietician was supposed to be back on Tuesday, after not having seen her for the past two weeks.

I was having a really rough morning. My mood was rock bottom. I didn't even want to see the dietician because it felt like a waste of her time since I didn't want to talk about food or my weight. Mum urged me to go, and to see my GP, but there's nothing they can do to stop the thoughts.

I gathered myself up and left for the appointment. In the car, I asked mum if she could please sit with me in the waiting room instead of walking me in and leaving me, because I couldn't stop crying and I felt like a fool.

I waited and got more and more anxious by the minute. After 30 minutes passed, the waiting room was filling with people, and one of the receptionists asked mum and I over to the desk.

Obviously, the dietician did not turn up. It took half an hour before they got in contact with her husband, who said she wouldn't be back until the next day. I think it's the first time in the four years I've been seeing her that she's unexpectedly not been in. I asked if she'd be in on Thursday, and I got her last appointment at 6:30pm.

Usually by 6:30pm, I've had my dinner and am winding up my day, but on Thursday, I was headed out to see the dietician. She works the morning on Tuesday, but only afternoon/evening on Thursday, and this was the only appointment she had left.

I didn't get on the scales. We'd already talked about the fact I'd gained a few kilos since my hospital admission, and I told her I really didn't want a gain to be logged. She said I need to weigh soon, I said it's obviously fine (which is not fine with me). We agreed to weigh in on Tuesday morning in two weeks There's no way I'd let her weigh me even at midday, let alone the end of the day.

I've also started exercising again in this past month. The dietician's concerned, and wants me to limit it to no more than four times a week, because I start intending to do just 30 minutes, but it always builds into 60, 90, 120 minute sessions.

And I wanted to say quickly - I was amazed by the response on my last post. I figured it had to be something more than just beating myself up. That's one thing I love about this community - you're never the only one.

Happy long weekend.



  1. I love that wine bottle, very cute :). I used to always try and keep pretty bottles back when I used to drink, but then always forget and chuck em in the recycling!

    I tried to comment on the last post, but blogger was a dick and deleted it, and so I rage quit! I don't think the iPad likes blogger that much! With negative mantras I've always been quite self deprecating, I don't think I'm a particularly negative person in general (well except when I'm going through a depressive phase/ mood crash after being manic), but I suppose I tend to put myself down a lot and tell myself I'm going to fuck up, or not achieve the thing I want because when I succeed it feels double good, and when I fail at least it's a case of 'well I knew I was going to do badly.' I guess the only danger for me is the whole self fulfilling prophecy side of things. I think we're all a little strange!

    Oh yeah, by the way, I'm also glad I'm not the only one that knows just how much their clothes weigh! I know all my shoes, and I have a favourite pair of trainers I get weighed in, I had to replace the old ones with the same brand and make when they fell apart... I don't know how much all my clothes weigh, but I know all my wardrobe staples, and have an approximation for each 'type' of dress. I rarely wear trousers because I've always hated the way they feel on my legs, but I sort of have an approximation of my jeans... it's funny, because it really doesn't matter, what's a fraction of a kilogram anyway? Yet for some reason it always matters to me.

    I get what you mean about not wanting a higher number on record, I've always been the same (even when I've been aware I've 'looked' bigger, and everyone knew I gained weight, I didn't want the number written down), you know logically that a few kilos is nothing, and you're still dangerously underweight, but I get that distorted ED thinking too. Hope you manage to get weighed, but mornings are less stressy.

    The exercise kind of worries me too, with your lungs and everything. I hope you're able to cut it down a bit.

    I don't think you're wasting the dieticians time at all, she clearly cares a lot for you and I'm glad you have that support.


  2. Hello my dear, I hope you are feeling better <3 I hate unexpected schedule changes (I couldn't handle them at all a while back) just take a deep breath and don't let it over take you. You prove time and time again you are a lovely, amazing and strong person. I love you to bits Bella xx Take care

  3. Hope you're ok Bella. Lovely to read an update from you. Take care and stay strong. xoxo

  4. I feel the same about the community here (and the ED community in general) matter how weird I think my habits are, there's always someone else who can relate. Even when it feels like it, you are for sure not alone.

    I hope you have a happy and restful weekend!!

  5. Hope you get it figured out. It was always hard for me to convince my treatment team to let me exercise, because I never really abused exercise. And it was such a relief to be moving. Everyone is different though.

  6. sorry you've had such a rough day, Bella love.

    you keep on going, love. you just keep on going. you keep a lot to yourself i think. it's an observation i made but never fully said but i think that you do. you are a very kind and gentle soul.

    i know what you mean about it building up as well. the only way i'd make sure that it doesn't is not to entertain the thought in the first place, make it prohibited really.

    i love you sweetheart. i love you to bits.

    keep on swimming!

    -Sam Lupin

  7. comment reply:

    i don't want your weather. max 12C should be banned.

    "You know, you could just drizzle some honey on the PB before digging in?" aye, but that requires me having to do the work! *insert laughing cat emoji*

    Nutella. i think a requirement for my friends is to be able to eat their weight in Nutella. otherwise, i don't trust them.

    Violet Crumble sounds so bloody cool. i can't wait to try it.

    "Also, YAY YOU'RE POSTING AGAIN!" THAT I AM. i'll do a post today even.

    -Sam Lupin

  8. Hey starshine, I have some catching up to do, I'm grateful for you messaging me on messanger while I haven't had much internet connection and a keyboard to write replies off of. My GP wants to weigh me too, but I've gained more since the last time in February, and in February she said it would be fortnightly, and I think 4 months later might be stretching it too far... she said she didn't care what I weigh, but same as you I do not want a gain to be logged. She has given me a week... I may end up cancelling that...

    Love you xxxx

  9. I have no sufficient words, but I am thinking of you every day.