I tell myself over and over again, for example, that I will never be good enough. Mum sees it as a negative reinforcement of he belief. But to me, it makes it better. When I'm upset, I can cry and scream that I'll never be good enough and work myself into a frenzy. Then I'll calmly start repeating the same words.
"I'll never be enough, I'll never be enough."
And I stop panicking.
As I tried to explain to mum, I think it's my warped way of trying to convince myself it's okay. It's okay if I'm never good enough/thin enough/happy enough/intelligent enough/beautiful enough/successful enough/enough in general. If I achieve it one day, great, but if not, at least I've prepared myself.
Then today, I remembered that in Unbearable Lightness. Portia de Rossi writes of when she was younger:
"In order to prepare myself for a less than perfect result, I would occasionally give myself the opposite of a pep talk by writing hundreds of times in a journal 'I will not get honours', as I awaited the results of a ballet exam, for example. I'm not sure if this ritual actually helped me to accept the less than perfect grade I was preparing myself for, because I always did get honours."
It got me thinking, maybe it's not an uncommon thing for people with eating disorders, or even other mental health issues, to do this. So, open mic time. For those of you who can relate, I'd be interested to hear why you think you do it, in your words.
On a lighter note, I've always been a hoarder. One aspect of which is food hoarding, which I know a lot of people with EDs do. Usually with food, it's just having a hard time throwing certain things out, or not throwing out packets (empty or full) until I replace them.
I've recently discovered Nature Valley oat bars. I don't eat them every day, but they've become a bit of a staple for me. They've been on special over the past few weeks for as little as $2.00 a box, and between my recent savings attempts combined with marathons of Extreme Couponing and the aforementioned hoarding, I couldn't resist
Over roughly three weeks, I bought nearly 30 boxes.
Misty, feeling much better than she was last week. She's currently taking full advantage of the heating being on due to the current wintry chill.