Monday, 23 May 2016

Monday Musings

I finally saw my GP last week, after putting it off for over a month. Maybe 6 weeks? But everything was fine. We're working on a plan to get me to this new psychologist in the next couple of months, so she's really not budging on that one. On the upside, she didn't make me choose a benzo to drop, which was a huge relief. It'd be nice to have a more regular dosage again, but for now, it's better than nothing.

She and the dietician are now helping me make appointments while I'm in with them, as until I can get on the phone (which I've never been able to do), it's the only way. Getting to the reception desk in the busy waiting room alone is such a huge barrier, and I'm not even sure why. For now, the girls bring the EFTPOS machine into the room, and an appointment time if necessary.

I've been putting off getting weighed. When the dietician last weighed me, I'd just been discharged from hospital, and was nearly at a new lowest weight. I'd been eating so much in hospital - similar to how much I'm eating now - 900-1,200 calories most days, which was a big increase from before hospital. But I'm starting to think the only reason I lost so much weight was because I was fighting an infection and having my system constantly flushed from the IV antibiotics. Since reaching that low weight and coming home, I tried to keep my intake up, but much to my distress, the scales just kept slowly crawling up.

Since then, I've put on a few kilos, which was to be expected, but I've not been coping with it as well as I thought I would. Now I feel like I have to drive my weight back down before she can weigh me again, even though when I was last weighed, my GP warned it couldn't drop any further.

Now she's away for two weeks, and we've agreed to weigh-in when she gets back. I don't want to get in trouble for dropping even lower, but I don't particularly want to have gained, either.

I'm not as concerned about food as I am about... well, everything else. For some time now, since mum started backing away, the dietician's been the only person I can talk with face-to-face. It's not the same with my GP. With the dietician, I can be open about what's on my mind, and not having that contact over the next few weeks is going to be hard.

I've also been reading a lot of literature on the Australian Dietary Guidelines, the food groups, how big a serving should be and how many servings I should be getting. After calculating my 'serves' for the last week, I don't even get halfway, even on 1,000+ days. The only food group I eat enough of is dairy, and the most deficient being protein (I should be getting some 2 ½ 'servings', but I never eat more than ½ over the course of a day).

My little miss Misty hasn't been feeling too well the last couple of days. She's seemed a little 'off', and last night I spotted a sizable cut at the base of her tail. I have no idea what happened, as she rarely leaves the fenceline of the house, and it's been a while since there's been a cat fight on our property. She's having trouble moving and jumping, so I've put blankets down throughout the house, but for now, she's being treated like a princess.



  1. I'm glad you have the dietitian to talk to, I really hope it helps to be able to offload to someone. It's good to read an update from you! Sending you big hugs xoxo

  2. That's really awesome that you can talk to your dietitian like that. I was seeing a dietitian for awhile before inpatient treatment and she really was more like a counselor than anything else.

    I've found that doing research on my food sometimes helps me feel better about eating. Numbers normally put me into a bit of an obsessive state, but when I look into what certain foods benefit for me both physically and mentally....I'm more likely to eat healthy amounts and feel good about it. I've been thinking about posting more about food stuff on my blog lately....just to spark my own interest again. :)

  3. I'm glad your dietician has been helpful, and it really sounds like she's gone beyond the call of duty. I do struggle with phones a lot too, but I've got a lot better since therapy. I have to psych myself up before making a call though.

    I've always had a protein problem all through my ED, no matter what stage my ED is in. It doesn't help that I've been a vegetarian for 13 years, and can't stand most dairy products, except I like cheddar and mozzarella out of the cheeses. I'm one of these weirdos that builds muscle really quickly, even when more or less sedentary, and muscle weighs more so My weight is far higher than most people think it is (less so these days because I've had a lot of wasteage), but to me protein builds muscle and muscle means weight gain. That is totally illogical eating disorder thinking though. I'm full of those!

    Re period parties, it was something my sister told me, so who knows if it's true. I suppose we could have period period parties, where you combined the two! No idea what that would entail though!

    I didn't get periods properly until I was 22, I started having one at 15, got pregnant at 16, got a contraceptive implant at 17 then had amenorrhea for two years, so having a menstrual cycle is a novelty for me! Getting pregnant is my biggest fear, not because of the fact I am poor, single and out of work (although those are worries) but because I worry at the moment that my body couldn't handle it and I'd end up miscarrying or causing the kid long term harm.

    Thank you for reading my long boring post about Mr Massivecock (yes, I am so mature in my character names!) I did mostly write it for my own amusement, but yeah, I am a hardcore role player! I used to write a lot of fiction when I was younger, can't anymore because I seem to find anything vaguely emotional very difficult, and writing requires lots of emotion because I get very into my characters and invest in them a lot. Writing scripts for games does sound interesting. My steam started being a dick to me and I couldn't log in so in the end I had to make a new account last year. Ended up losing a load of games too :( maybe ill get it back eventually, but I have loads on this account now so I'm hoping it will keep working ok! I stopped gaming for a year when I was very entrenched in my ED. I get what you mean about it occupying all your time. Gaming is great for my mental health, and does help me relax a lot.

    Wood? That's interesting! I know that there's a lot about upsetting your ecosystem (but I may have learn that from the Simpsons Australia episode!) Did check, and chocolate is ok I think (but it was a very long list!) You'll be relieved to hear I'm not in the habit of sending dead animals to people :D


  4. Hi Bella,
    I wanted to thank you for all the positive vibes you've been sending me, and see how you were doing.
    Congrats on upping your intake, it's a difficult thing to do, and it can be tough to see the scales go up but keep on fighting. It's worth it.
    A little advice when it comes to protein: I find that protein bars are very helpful, or maybe try buying yogurt or milk with extra protein? That way you can incorporate some more protein into your dairy? Good luck!!

  5. After a stay at the hospital, we usually get on a schedule. Including an eating schedule. Creating a schedule again can help with more than mental health. If you find a physical activity you love, weight won't be on your mind.
    Hope your kitty feels better! Tails = balance. So are whiskers.