Tuesday, 27 September 2016

A Rock and a Hard Place

For better or for worse, I've had a few impulsive outings in the past couple of weeks.

Last weekend, I had an argument with mum. I told her I was feeling trapped and lonely, and wanted to go out, even just for a drive in the car. I don't know why, but she started snapping at me about wanting me to be more 'active' and not spend all of my time between the couch and my arm chair on the porch.

I do a lot with my days. She just doesn't see it. Between writing, keeping my notes up to date, reading and commenting on blogs, exercise, self-care, cleaning, reading books, mindfulness, sewing and crafts, not to mention just getting through each day, I actually have very little downtime. I do everything I have the energy for (physical and emotional). She thinks I have no structure or routine, and that the only way to be productive is if you're moving around. 

After crying all morning, I raided my meds. After two mini overdoses in a week, taking over an extra week's worth, mum realized I've been stockpiling my meds.

I tried talking to her some more, telling her how hurtful her comment was, and she backed off. I still don't know why me wanting to get out of the house made her have a go at me for not being more active in the house. She said that I was doing so well keeping busy after she first had surgery, and didn't understand why I couldn't just keep going. Never mind that I told her at the time that it was a struggle, and not something I could deal with long-term.

  “Let's all go out for afternoon tea – the three of us.”

Self-conscious about the newest addition of cuts, and scratches on my face, I said I didn't think I could do it. She had lunch, and came back out and asked again. I'd been thinking about it, and said okay, but that we'd have to buy something and go somewhere like a beach or park – not somewhere busy like a cafe.

And then, she backtracked, saying we should do it the following day. I burst into tears, saying I didn't know if I could. Going out is more of a 'carpe diem' thing. I can't plan in advance and be sure I'll be able to follow through when the time gets here.

Going out at all is getting so much harder. Even walking beyond the house, down the backyard, is hard. I need mum to walk with me. Walking to the garage to collect my laundry from the dryer this week was nearly unbearable. My chest hurt, and I felt like I was going to throw up.

I was desperate to get out of this house, and after the argument, I started running around manic. After a bottle of wine, I decided to go see A. Yes, I was that desperate. And yes, I told you all to slap me if I saw him again.

When he first asked, I hesitated. I told him I was still trying to work through the cow comment and the subsequent OD. He said he was seriously kicking himself for saying that, and apologised yet another time. I guess everyone fucks up now and then – what really counts is how they follow up.

So I put a caveat on meeting up.
  “Please, at no point, comment on my body shape/weight/size. With an ED, even things that may be intended as a compliment can be received the wrong way.”
And with that, he got in the car and drove the hour each way to pick me up. 

We stopped at a strip club to play pool again, and I had another vodka and Diet Coke. It feels weird being the only girl in the joint wearing clothes.

At his place, I drank another half bottle of wine. My tolerance for alcohol, and how often I drink, has increased exponentially since I stopped smoking synthetics (three months today!). Drunkenly, I told him how negatively I thought of myself around him, which led to more questions and a deep-and-meaningful about my mental health in general. The kind of conversation where you wake up the next day and want to die of embarrassment.

I told him I felt like an idiot for breaking down, but he thanked me, saying he really appreciated me talking, that it helped him understand more. He asked a bit more about the past abuse, the anorexia, the link between, but without a few drinks under my belt, I just sat silently.

I know it's potentially a bad idea, but apart from feeling so lonely and isolated, I feel like I need to keep as many options open as possible. With mum pushing me to move out, and the fear that I'll one day be kicked to the curb, I need friends around to fall back on.

Then, this weekend, I caught up for drinks with R. I now feel like I have to take the precaution of telling everyone who sees me to please not comment on my weight/size. He said I certainly don't have to worry about that with him, and the thing is, I know that I don't.

So I spent all of Saturday trying to make myself look like a presentable human being again, after being a mess when I went out the week before. I straightened my hair, painted my nails, neatened up my brows, did my make-up... I wore a long sleeved cardigan with a tubigrip covering my forearm and hand, with a fingerless glove to complete the illusion of not being a total fuck-up.

I had no idea if I'd be eating with him or not, so I had a little bowl of pasta with bolognese sauce (153 cal) and a dinner roll (99 cal) when my family had dinner. Having not eaten so I wouldn't be bloated when I went out, it was probably a good decision. I'd already had half a bottle of wine – call it social lubricant – and wanted to make sure I didn't make an idiot out of myself by throwing up again. 

On the way to his place, he stopped at the servo to pick up snacks – lollies, chocolate bars, chips, Ben & Jerry's. But I was too scared to eat any of it in front of him. My stomach was burning by the end of the night, and I wanted a handful of chips so badly, but I couldn't. What would people think if they saw me eating such junk?! 
Going to people's houses is a lot easier than going out in public though, so that was at least one less stress.

I've missed more appointments with the dietician since I last posted. After last week I texted her, apologizing for missing so many, explaining that mum still can't drive and the anxiety of catching Uber or a taxi makes me feel physically ill.

She asked me to cancel our appointments until I'm ready to get there again.

It's not like I do it on purpose. Every Monday, I get the confirmation text, and tell myself I will get there this time. But I haven't been in over a month.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so alone and abandoned. It's like all of my appointments and support I have are just slowly slipping away. I just wish everyone cared so little ten years ago instead of not giving me a choice in getting treatment or not. Now I'm on my own, and I don't think I want it enough to fight alone. 

To top things off, I'm being pushed back to weekly dispensing, after over a year on daily. Mum won't pick them up on her walks anymore, and the chemist can't keep delivering daily. I've got a week getting deliveries on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, but after that, it'll be weekly. I'm afraid, but at the same time, I don't care if I fuck up. I know if I misuse them, my GP will just notify the chemist to give me more, as she doesn't want me going without. 

Everything's falling apart, and with everyone backing off and withdrawing support, I feel like they've all just given up on me and are giving me permission to give up too.

I'm just so very tired. I don't know where my head's at these days. Next time I see my GP, I'm going to ask her about a possible admission to the private psych Clinic. My self-harm is out of control, I don't know how much longer I can fight the urge for another laxative OD, I haven't been taking my meds properly because I'm too scared to sleep, then I take the entire stockpile. I only feel safe from the flashback nightmares if I'm drunk, or stay up for 24+ hours and run myself into the ground.

And thank you for all the support on my last post. I know that my team probably consider it unethical to maintain the status quo, preventing a further decline but not actively seeking treatment, but if that's the case, I feel like I should just stop going. Frankly, my only apprehension about stopping all appointments is my meds, especially the assorted benzos that keep me sane.



  1. Hello my dear sweet Bells,

    First of all
    I want to apologise for my lack of contact
    It's only been in the last week that I have finally caught up on blogs
    I want to acknowledge the positive
    And congratulate you on three months synthetics free!!!
    So well done
    I hope this shows you that you are stronger than you think you are
    That you can do something when you put your mind to it
    Because you can
    And I believe in you so much!
    Also I think getting out and about is good for you
    Although I don't know what to say about A
    I don't know enough about him to comment
    But I suspect he's not the best person for you to be around
    That's up to you though
    I just would hate for you to compromise unsavoury people because you are lonely

    I'm so sorry that you feel so alone
    I know blogging is probably the only support you are getting
    I would give your mum time and space
    Let get work through whatever it is that is going on for her
    But I would urge you to try and keep your appointments with the professionals
    If only just to stay in the system

    If there's anything I can do to help
    All you have to do is say
    I worry for you Bells
    You are only 23
    And I would hate for you to lose as many years as I have
    I am 35 years old
    And I am just starting to get my shit together
    Please don't wait that long
    I think the idea of going to treatment must be looked at
    Is it something you would consider?
    I would seriously think about it Hun

    In the mean time
    Stay as well as you can
    And mind yourself
    Don't be so hard on yourself
    You are doing your best with what you've got

    Love you x

  2. Hi Bella,
    I agree with Ruby Tuesday. I have spent my whole adult life running from myself and it's only just now that I have started to feel like I am doing something for my own wellbeing. I wish I could help you and I would if there is anything I can do, just ask. I am worried for you and I think maybe going into treatment for a bit might help. In any case, you are in my thoughts and I care about what happens to you. I don't want to see you hurt yourself any more. Please try and stay as safe as you. Be gentle with you!
    Sarah xx

  3. I'm glad you got out a few times, though sad you are struggling so much with the self harm. If you think the private psych clinic will help, that might be a good idea. Finding a good shrink might also be a good idea. You have so much bottled up inside, and eventually that will poison you. Like Ruby said, you have so many years ahead of you and you deserve for them to be good ones. <3

  4. I'm sorry I don't have much helpful to say. I have been in a place where doctors have given up on me. I'm here if you ever need anything.

  5. I think it’s a good sign that you want to go out and it’s good you’re filling your day up. Sorry to hear that your mum isn’t being understanding of the situation.
    Oh, lord. I got worried when you said you were going to see him- he seemed okay? If a bit tactless. Please be careful with the alcohol though, lovely. And don’t ever feel like an idiot for breaking down.
    Would calling a taxi help? Instead of trying to catch one on the street. I don’t know if that’s a thing in Australia though…I hope you do see her soon, she was helpful to you.
    It makes me sad to hear that you’re feeling so down, dear. Please, please don’t OD, it’s not worth it. I hope everything gets better really really soon.
    I’m always here for you <3


  6. I'm so proud of you for managing to get out, that must have been a huge deal for you, it's a huge achievement anyway.

    I'm so proud of you too for 3 months without synthetics, another fantastic achievement!

    My heart goes out to you Bella. I so wish that there was something, anything that I could do or say that would make you feel even the tiniest bit better, to take some of the tremendous pain away from you. I hate the fact that you are struggling and suffering so much. I am here for you always, just reach out.

    Love you xoxo

  7. I'm sorry your mom is so non-understanding. I think it's a good idea to mention the idea of IP and....just see what comes of it. Maybe that can help spur you on and provide some peace and healing. You're not a hopeless case, you know. :) Don't stop fighting for yourself. *hugs*

  8. Glad you managed to get out, I do worry about the whole A thing, especially after the overdose. As long as you know what you're doing and being careful it's not necessarily a bad thing.

    And also 3 months without synthetics is a great achievement!

    I think it's great that you're filling your days, and sorry things are so difficult with your mum at the moment, guess it's been an ongoing thing though... Maybe inpatient won't be such a bad idea, shaking things up and breaking the routine a little.

    I also have the spontaneity thing when going out. I'm better with impulsive decisions/ having things sprung on me than something pre planned. Less time to wind myself up/ get anxious/ talk myself out of it!

    Was thinking about getting a recovery notebook, but wussed out in town the other day because I felt I didn't deserve it... I will do it! Lol

    Glad I'm not the only one that gets shy online! Haha! I've read some blogs years before I've commented, and I do panic on Facebook when people message/ comment because I need to reply but I worry about saying something stupid... Probably need to work on that! Lol :p

    With the garlic thing, discovered I do like it, when it's roasted, but not when it's just in things... I've never liked onion or garlic much, which is annoying as my folks add tonnes to all things (every meal my dad makes involves frying an onion), I get funny looks for my onion free cooking, back when I used to cook.

    With weighing food, sometimes it baffles me that people don't, and yeah with certain things, like hot chocolate, getting the ratios right is important to be, and I find 'three heaped teaspoons' is kinda vague and subjective... I either end up with something horribly watery, or just clumpy... Same if I make porridge, because porridge soup sucks! Never been good at dry ingredients either. Can never do it by eye! Especially pasta! I've always weighed that! Even pre ED!

    I make spice mixes, which do involve weighing, because they're big quantities... So yeah. But still, fruit and snacks is probably a bit abnormal, I don't even think many dieters do that! I do even weigh things in packets a lot because I'm so mistrustful at times...


  9. Hi sweet lovely Bells! I'm also glad you managed to get out just for a bit. And I'm sorry things are the way they are. Because you deserve the best. You really do, Bells. I hope you're hanging in there.

    You know - I think that even the fact that you're thinking about IP (whether or not you do it eventually) is a good thing. It's like a baby step on a very long journey. And that's really all you can do - take baby steps. Because your little baby steps got you to the point where you're now 3 months without the synthetics, and where you've managed to go out in spite of the agoraphobia. And I really really think that you're making progress and that's important and I'm really happy and really proud of you for taking those tiny little steps.

    You're amazing - you're an amazing friend, you're kind and compassionate, and good. I want to give you the world, but all I have is just lots of love and support for you. xox

  10. I'm not really understanding these strip club outings. Like, wth. I would never take a lady there. Also I'm dead against the objectification of women so there's that too. But even if i weren't i wouldn't take you there.....like why not a quiet wine bar, or even a casino ffs.

    Anyway I'm glad you will self refer. I can see you are acopic. Do you think your mum will be more supportive if you get serious about some treatment?