Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Don'tCryDon'tCryDon'tCry, Don'tThinkDon'tThinkDon'tThink

It's been a few weeks since I've posted. Truth be told, I'm in a very deep depression at the moment, especially since the overdose incident. I'm barely functioning, getting through the days and precious little else.

I've missed so many appointments in the past two months. Two with the psychologist. One with the GP. With the dietician, I've seen her twice, missed four, and she's been away for two.

I'm not sleeping. The past four nights, I've slept about four hours each. Last night, I didn't sleep at all until a two-hour doze around 7am.

Mum keeps pushing me to do more and be more and move forward or move out. She doesn't even see the progress I've made recently. I've been off synthetics for nearly three months. My intake wasn't too terrible for a couple of months. But everyone thinks I'm making no progress. They all just get angry and tell me to move forward or leave them alone.

What more can I do? I'm so tired. No matter what you do in the life, you can never make others happy. That's one thing I'm slowly, and painfully, learning.

I'll never be good enough. I'll never meet everyone's expectations. I'll never be perfect and successful and happy and healthy.

Everything takes so much effort.

I want to sleep. I want to drink. I want to smoke. I want to OD. Yesterday I found myself eyeing the new box of laxatives. So tempting. What I wouldn't give for a few solid days of pain to stop the thoughts.

I'm losing hope. I'm scared to sleep. I wake up screaming from flashback nightmares. At the same time, I dread every waking hour. When sleep isn't an option, and neither is being awake, there's not exactly many other options.

“Today I felt like a ragdoll that has lost its stuffing.”

I saw my GP the week before last. Mum was away staying with friends for a few days, so my brother worked from home for the day so he could drive me in. Most of it was just going over the overdose, but she's really pushing me to get back to see the new psychologist. After the initial meeting, I ended up cancelling both of the appointment we had planed because it's just so far away, and especially until mum can drive again, I just couldn't do it.

Needless to say, my GP wasn't too happy.
  “I do have some rules, and both myself and the dietician could use the support.”
  “She needs to be part of the team.”
  “...and you did tell the mental health team in hospital that you were seeing a psychologist...”
Looks like my little white lie got back to her.

Between her insistence that I see someone who I really don't want to, and the fact mum told me the other day that she won't be driving me to appointments for much longer, I'm so close to just saying goodbye and going back to my bubble. Mum has always been the whole reason I started, and kept, seeing people to help with my mental health. Ever since I was 12, I've gone because I felt like I had no choice. When she started withdrawing support over the past year or so, I've started wondering why the hell I'm still doing it.

I don't want to talk to a psych. I don't make any progress with the dietician anymore – honestly, she's more like a therapist. I don't want people invading anymore. I don't want treatment or help or to move forward. I just want my GP and dietician to hold my hand and support me to try to keep things at the status quo.

Mum had more surgery last week. One of the wires in her elbow didn't hold, and the whole thing was just a mess. So she was in hospital for another two days while they fixed it up. The major impact on me I that it means another 6+ weeks before she can drive. I've already missed so many appointments because catching Uber, or even taxis, is so hard.

“I want to hide, from people, and life, and uncertainty.”

This week, I had been planning of ordering the last of the furnishings I need to set up my new sewing room and getting it all set up. But now I have some kind of infection building, and it's really kicking my ass, for nearly a week now. It started as a lump on the back of my ear (which I'm assuming is the lymph node). It gets bigger by the day, and a few days ago, I noticed the lymph at the base of my jaw is swelling too. Then, it hit my new navel piercing, which is now a mess.

Last night, the skin on the back of my ear started to break open. It's that swollen. For the past couple of days I've had a fever, chills, sweats, nausea – all that infection-y stuff. I'm seeing my GP tomorrow, but I just feel so run down.

A random little design I came up with



  1. *hugs* I was starting to wonder where you'd gone. :) It sounds like you're in a spot where you have to decide for yourself that you don't want to live inside your self destructive bubble. Only you have the freedom to really do that. Other people can intervene and keep you sustained a little, but that only goes so far. I'm in that position myself right now, I think. Nobody can stop me from doing what I do and nobody can really and truly help me unless I decide to let them. *sigh*

    Depressing comment, sorry. lol I guess I'm just learning some harsh truths right now and reading your post today reminded me of them?

    I hope you know that you're worth fighting for. Not only are you beautiful on the outside, you are absolutely precious on the inside. You deserve happiness and peace, my dear.

  2. I've also been worried about you. I don't have any words of wisdom, so sending all the love and hugs. Xxx

  3. Oh Bella, I was really worried about you. Haven't seen or heard from you in awhile, and I'm a big worrier. I'm still worried, not about you but for you. I'm so sorry that everything is so fucked right now. I wish I was good with words, but unfortunately I'm not. Pretend I said something amazing and comforting and enlightening, and know that you are always in my heart. Screaming Willow said it best- you DO deserve happiness and peace. <3

  4. You can be happy and healthy! I promise it's true! But it is also true that achieving that does involve participation and "work" on your side. It may not be easy, but it is possible.

    I don't know if you've considered this when mulling over the comments of your GP, but your GP and your dietician probably consider it unethical to help you maintain a status quo. They have both taken oaths to do no harm as well as work to restore their patients' health. While there are many ways o go about that as a practitioner, it's probably important for you to at least consider that perspective.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so low as of late. I hope you get some rest and kick this nasty infection. And I hope you're encouraged to take the first step to seeing the psych. My mom is currently battling depression and finally decided to see a professional about it. Her issues aren't all solved after one session, but she said she was super glad that I essentially

    1. Forced her to go. Self care can take a lot of effort... But I hope you see that the effort will be rewarding even if it seems overwhelming right now.

      Biggest hugs and warmest sentiments from over here, my dear. I often think of you.

  5. sometimes, getting through the days is enough. this is one of those times.

    you sound so exhausted. and especially with that amount of sleep, i'm surprised you're functioning enough to type up a post. i'm not surprised you're missing appointments to be honest - with the sleep and the depression looming over, it's no wonder.

    i am actually so proud of what you've done thus far. you are trying. i always believe that. they suddenly expect miraculous recoveries for some reasons. it's so disheartening because if this was a physical illness, i'd doubt they'd feel this way about it. i am so proud of you being off synthetics for three months, and that you really do try with your intake. you've maintained your weight until recently, which i'm very worried about because you don't have weight to lose. you really don't (and i mean that. and i genuinely hope that this was in no way a triggering comment to you but i felt like you might need the reassurance in any case.)

    you are always good enough. always. you wouldn't look at someone else and think that they are not enough. it's the same for you.

    you are worth so much. and i do not doubt that you can be happy and healthy one day. perfect? you are. to me, you are always perfect. you make me smile in that sort of way that makes your heart fill up in your chest.

    "I just want my GP and dietician to hold my hand and support me to try to keep things at the status quo." i think you should just tell them that. this is what you need. the ball is always in your court when you're seeing them, or at least, they should be. as desespperee de maigrir has mentioned, they do probably consider it unethical and they probably feel complied to do something about it but at the same time, they have to listen to what you want as well. because you're the one that's living through this day to day at the end of it. at the end of it, i just hope that whatever happens does help you. i hate seeing you so low. nobody in the world deserves this, especially not someone as lovely as you are. (and i say this a lot but only because it's true)

    i hope that the day with the GP goes by alright. and i do hope that you get some antibiotics for that infection. rest well, love.

    it's so hard to read this post. it saddens me that you're in such a muddle.

    you really sound so exhausted. i hope you can sleep well soon. can't you mention this to the to GP/dietitian? to give you some sort of a stronger sedative for the sleep. and for the urges of course. i know that they're being weird about your medication rotation right now from what i know but still, it's no harm in mentioning - especially if lack of sleep has been so frequent lately. and the nightmares!

    i... i don't know what else to say other than i love you dearly. and i'm thinking of you xx and i hope i didn't offend you with anything that i've said.

    you are worth the universe. don't forget that.

    -Sam Lupin

  6. Hey Bella
    I'm sorry you are struggling. I've been in a spot very close to this one before and it was so hard but I had to fight in the end because I needed to get through it for me. I think you really are at those crossroads where you need to decide what you want and it's a huge decision, it really is. I'm almost there, I still have body issue thoughts that come up but usually when I'm really stressed out. You know, that whole control thing. It's hard to let go of. I wish I could say something to you that would make you feel better but all I can do is say, thank you soooo much for your support on my blog and I hope you find a bit of peace and are able to get some sleep. You are in my thoughts :)
    Sarah xx

  7. For what it's worth, I'm glad you made progress, and I'm happy that you recognize it.
    I'm sorry you're going though a tumultuous time darling. Please don't overdose, because the pain isn't worth it.
    Perhaps it's stupid/overstepping for me to suggest this, but maybe talk to your mother about the psych? Even though y'all aren't (I think?) on the best of terms right now.
    I hope the sickness (the lumps and nausea stuff) get better <3 take care lovely and don't be too hard on yourself.


  8. I worry so about you. I don't want things to get any worse. I wish I could take you by the hand and just let you know I'll follow you through what ever is needed.

  9. Jaysus! hope you're ok. Private psych might be logical Bella. Daunting. Just start with the self harm and build up from there x