Tuesday, 28 February 2017

Beginning of the End

I've been struggling to write for a couple of months now. Even my journal has been seriously neglected. There's something about having the words written down that makes it so much more real, so much harder to ignore.

Over the weekend, I was informed that my mother will no longer be teaching me how to drive, and on top of that, will no longer assist with transport to appointments.

It's barely a 3 minute drive away. But I can't walk there. I can't take a taxi there. It scares me more than I can find words to explain. Walking around the neighbourhood alone makes me terrified - I can't tell you how many years it's been since I went for a simple walk around the block - and don't even get me started on the fear of getting into a car with a stranger (isn't that what we were always told, anyway?).

I'm just going to miss my dietician and GP so, so much. With the dietician, that's a five-year relationship turned to dust in an instant. But that's how great the fear is

I guess she might change her mind about teaching me to drive, but I doubt it. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm scared, and it all just feels so hopeless.

I've lost all access to every kind of help and support I had. If I can't see my GP, I'll probably lose my meds. I was supposed to keep seeing my new psychologist for my GP to be comfortable continuing meds as it is, but obviously that's not going to be happening. I cancelled another appointment with her last week, again due to the taxi issue.

What do I do when I have another COPD exacerbation?

After this, I told mum I was scared. That I felt unsafe, like I was falling into a deep dark pit, and didn't know what to do.
  "I think you need to talk to someone."
I wanted to laugh.
  "And how the hell am I supposed to do that now?"

She would call an ambulance. She would even drive me to A&E, but I'd have no way of getting home. When I was there a few weeks ago, I was given a 24/7 phone number for the youth mental health services, who can do immediate risk assessments. I can't talk on the phone to call up for one, and neither would mother dearest.

Sometimes, like now, it feels like I have two sides of my head fighting to and fro. An angel on on shoulder, a devil on the other.

One side is wanting to get help, desperate to talk, devastated that I can't.
The other side asks me why I'm still bothering. All that I've wanted for as long as I can remember is to disappear, so why am I still trying when it feels like everyone else has given up?

My head is screaming, fighting, bursting against my skull.

Then the latter half takes over, and I feel an eerily complete calm. I stopped panicking and crying and breaking down, I sit myself up, the emotions stop, and a small smile comes across my face. I don't have to do this anymore.

At the end of the day, part of me is kind of relieved, you know? It's kind of like getting permission to throw in the towel. And I feel free.

I don't know what will happen with the ED without the support I've had from my dietician for so many years now. I'm just devastated that it's all come crashing down at once. I'm in free-fall and I'm so scared and I don't know what's going to happen

Now that I've got my thoughts somewhat together, I guess it's time for the part I've been dreading - writing the 'break up' text. I'm going to ask about occasional home visit appointments, and I'm pretty sure my GP does them too. But really, I'd settle for giving her a hug and saying goodbye,

On another note, I was home alone for a couple of days last weekend. For the first time in months, I ended up cracking and smoking. Not synthetics - that stuff's gone for good. But I spent six days in a blur. Between everything that's been going on, I felt like it was either that or self-harm/overdose, and at that point I wouldn't have been able to get help. After the past few days, I wish I had more to numb the fucking pain. But I can't fall back into the 'all day every day' trap, and considering the cravings/withdrawals I'm still feeling, I know I can't risk it.

Since I finished it, I've been drinking for the past four nights/afternoons because I didn't want to deal with sobriety, I didn't want to feel. I never drink that many days in a row. But when I had weed, I went eight days without a drink, which is better than I've done since... well, since I last smoked, to be honest.

Probably the last time I'll be all dolled up for... I don't even know how long. Without appointments, or learning how to drive, there's nothing left for me to get out for. They were the only access I had to the outside world. 

I'm trying to plan an outing. Maybe spend a few hours going to my favourite thrift stores, maybe going to the zoo. But right now, I can't even think about it. My head is overwhelmed with everything I need to do. But I'm so depressed, I rarely get anything done. I just zombie on the couch in my pajamas all day, re-runs playing in the background to try to distract myself from the nothingness.



  1. your journal has been neglected? that's so odd.

    i still cannot believe your mother. dear God. what the hell? i do not want to speak ill of your parent because i'm not allowed to. they're not my parents, but seriously.

    i definitely understand both those points you brought up. it's just... it's amazing that she's even gone down to not taking you to appointments. a three minute walk away. and she wouldn't let you say goodbye to them. it's just... this is unbelievable. like you need more reason to stay in that hellish house of yours.

    i cannot believe this. a 3 minute... oh God. i'm not even going to finish that sentence.

    i want you to get help. because that's what you deserve. this is just... this situation is beyond everything.

    "Without appointments, or learning how to drive, there's nothing left for me to get out for. They were the only access I had to the outside world." reading this honestly breaks my heart so much.

    "I just zombie on the couch in my pajamas all day, re-runs playing in the background to try to distract myself from the nothingness." and that's alright. God. this is a bombshell. you need time to process this. i'd be worried if you didn't. just try to breathe in. take it all in. do what's easy for you that day.

    keep your head up as best you can, love. i trust that this is not going to be how it's always is. you are amazing. you are astounding. i am so proud of you for everything that you do against the little devil. i really do hope one day you'd be able to block that little arse out completely.

    but for now, really... breathe, love. breathe.

    - Sam Lupin

  2. My guess is your mother is desperate. She probably thinks that doing something this severe might be the thing that spurs you into action as far as taking your wellness/appointments/etc. into your own hands, which would be a huge step towards major recovery. If it works.

    Hang in there, luv.

  3. OH Bella, I'm so sorry! I hope she changes her mind - more isolation is the last thing you need. Love and hugs!

  4. I don't believe this is the end for you.

  5. "How in the world did you manage that?! How long were you driving for?" maybe 40 minutes. Bahrain is small.

    i love you too. ditto on hating that you're struggling right now.

    i honestly have to believe that things will get better for the both of us. it's got to. i mean... we deserve so much better than this. we really do.

    you are so wonderful.

    - Sam Lupin

  6. "Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me.”
    ― Cheryl Strayed, Wild

    Stop telling yourself that you're terrified. No one is born fearless, you have to make yourself that way. So tell yourself you're strong and courageous, and take that walk around the block! Maybe listen to music or a podcast or an audiobook if it helps you distract yourself.

    You are strong. You are courageous. You can do whatever you put your mind to. But in the meantime, baby steps. I know you can do this.