The Days are Long, But the Years are Short

  The New Year has rolled over, and I find myself feeling uncertain about what 2024 will hold.

  Next week, I have a brief hospital trip for the long-postponed removal of my impacted wisdom teeth. Because I'm a lonely loner, I get a little overnight vacation at the hospital, because I don't have anyone to stay with me to supervise for 24 hours after coming out of the anesthesia.

  I know that it would have to be done at some point, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted to put it off further, until they started causing serious problems. I'm a little apprehensive about the general anesthesia, and the pain afterwards. But my biggest concern is that I'm incredibly mentally uncomfortable with the concept of having four gaping holes in my mouth. Even thinking about it sends chills down my spine.

  I'm stocked up on all forms of liquids for post-surgery, from clear to full. I've got sugar-free jelly in five different flavours, plenty of skim milk for iced lattes, 45-cal hot chocolate sachets, my favourite vanilla yoghurt, sugar-free Zooper Doopers (I think most of the world calls them 'freeze pops'), and I'm sure there's some ice cream lurking in the freezer. I've plenty of broth cubes - both chicken and beef - as well as some potato & leek soup. It's been a few years since I've done more than 48hrs on liquids alone, but I'm going to try to make the most of it by seeing it as a little break, obligatory, from the constant thoughts of food.

  I've also organized pre-prepared scrambled egg mix, and low-carb mashed potatoes, for when I'm able to get back to soft foods. But at the moment, the mere idea of having four giant wounds in my mouth, stitches, blood clots... I might be working myself up to think it's worse than it really is (and if you guys have done this before, I'd love to hear from you, as I've not found much specifically about EDs and dental surgery online), but I'm not sure how much liquid I'll even want to put in my mouth.

  In the last few days, I'm also becoming increasingly nervous about the possibility of dry socket. As it stands, I've been smoking cigarettes for over half of my life. These days, around 40 a day. The first 24 hours will be easier, because I'll be in the hospital, but it's going to be hard to resist once I get home. I'm planning to grab some nicotine patches, plus some mouth spray if the surgeon says it's okay. When I've used them in the past - mostly during sections when I wasn't allowed to step outside of the hospital room - I've always used a combo of patches and inhalers, but any suction is a no-go. Even then, they've barely touched the sides.

  I've scrounged around online, reading about other people's experiences of smoking after dental surgery. I think I will actually follow the instructions for the first couple of days, because reading about others' experiences with dry socket has definitely put me off. But oh man, it's going to be rough.

  I know that the general consensus from society as a whole is 'what a great opportunity to quit!'. But frankly, if being diagnosed with COPD in my early 20s didn't push me to quit, and neither did watching my mum go through lung cancer, I don't know if it'll ever happen for me. Over the years, I've overcome addiction to weed, synthetics, and as I try to knuckle down on giving up the booze, I lean especially hard on my cigarettes. I'm only human, and surely, I should be permitted one vice.

* * *

  In other news - just before everyone went on break for Christmas, I got my new NDIS plan. Apparently my (now-former) Occupational Therapist refused to write a report for my review, and no one seems to know why. Without it, there's 'insufficient evidence', and my funding has been decimated. My support worker, S, who I usually see four times a week, has been cut to twice a week. My fortnightly psychologist appointments? They're now once every three months.

  There's a whole appeal process going on, as well as finding a new OT. But in the meantime, I'm terrified at the prospect of losing such a large amount of support. Aside from the practical issues, it would be very isolation, to say the least.

  I'll still have my dietitian and GP every two weeks, sure. But adding on my GP retiring at some point in the next year, it feels like 2024 might be the year that my support worker crumbles.

* * *

  I hope everyone is having a wonderful start to the New Year. As for the holidays, the less said about that, the better. I got through. You think I'd be used to it, being my third year spending Christmas alone, but it doesn't seem to get any easier.

Sitting in the backyard with a good coffee,

 a new book, and Marty the Emotional 

Support Demon (it's short for Martholemew)

  It's only taken me two years to get around to buying a copy of The Opposite of Butterfly Hunting. I'm about half way through, and so far, I'm mostly enjoying it. It's a nice break from cycling through the same old ED memoirs that I seem to re-read at least once a year.

xxBella