.:Too Much, Not Enough:.: Four Teeth Less Wise

If there's one thing I get extremely nostalgic for, it's the combination of soup and jelly.

Back in the early days of my eating disorder, Soup & Jelly was my go to. It used to be a hodgepodge of various different vegetables, cooked down and blended into a rather unappetizing sludge. Cabbage, cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, onions. It evolved from me grabbing random vegetables, and ended with those five. Plus a jelly cup for dessert.

At the moment, it's potato & leek soup. Even with a small amount of cream, it's still safe and comforting, and has become a daily ritual. Followed, of course, with sugar free jelly. Lemon, lime, pineapple, orange mango, or my all time favourite, raspberry. It's all wonderful, at a meager 7 calories a serve.

Here I am, four teeth less wise. When I had my wisdom teeth out in January, I thought that it was going to be a couple of weeks on soft foods. When I was recovering in hospital the next day, they said it would be six weeks. I don't know what I expected, really, and I should've probably asked prior to the actual procedure.

Despite the duration being longer than expected, I was fully prepared for the liquid diet. But I was not prepared for the mindfuck that it triggered. The mental obstacle course. To be thrown back in time to the era of Soup & Jelly. There's something about that combination that holds a special place in my heart. It triggered something that I wasn't expecting.

Now, it's been almost three months since the surgery. Initially, I was planning on doing a few days on a full liquid diet, then starting on soft foods. Three days became five, five days became seven... I tried for a while to do soft foods like scrambled egg or mashed potato (things that didn't really require chewing, but more 'squishing'), but found it more mentally taxing than expected.

Although I'm trying to keep solids in for a couple of meals a week, it doesn't feel good when I do. I've fallen back into the safety of liquids. Even when the calories don't differ much to normal, there's something about a full liquid diet that gives me comfort. It feels safer. I've also found that I have less 'food noise', which is wonderful. It's just less stressful.

My dietitian has been asking me to figure out exactly why I've stayed stuck on liquids. And I still don't think I have a proper answer. I don't know how to explain it, beyond that it feels Safe.

The procedure itself went well. Recovery was rough for the first few weeks. The swelling was insane, not to mention the bruises all the way down my neck. The teeth hadn't been causing issues (yet), which is why I was so apprehensive about the pain. It was more preventative, to get them out before they inevitably started causing issues. So, the aftermath was always going to be worse than it had been prior.

I couldn't stay away from my cigarettes. Within ten minutes of getting home, I sheepishly said to my support worker "...I think I might try a smoke". Very minimally to start with, with short, gentle, unsatisfying puffs. I probably barely even got any smoke into my lungs for the first week or so. I did get patches for the first week, which helped to some degree. In the past, I've either used gum or inhalers to top up the patches, as the strongest patches are only equivalent to about half of what I smoke a day, and I couldn't use either this time.

When I woke up with nightmares in the hospital, it was the absolute worst, as I alwaysalwaysalways have a smoke immediately when I wake up with nightmares. Instead, I had to make do with two lukewarm black coffees at 3am.

The surgeon let me keep the two teeth that he managed to get out without shattering them, which I'm chuffed about. I'll spare you the photos. I still have all of my baby teeth, so it's kinda nice to update the collection. Maybe I'll turn them into earrings some day.

I even had my 6-monthly check up with the regular dentist a few weeks ago. After a decade with no dental care, I'm determined to stay on top of it. I book the next one as I check out, and I put a few dollars into savings each week to try to stay on top of it.

Apart from that, there's few other life updates. I met with a new Occupational Therapist, who is wonderful. I'm still waiting to hear back about my NDIS appeal to restore my regular supports, with no idea when I might expect news.

With the aforementioned nightmares, my psych and I have been talking about maybe trying EMDR therapy. At this point, I'm willing to try anything, except actually talking about the trauma. She even asked if I've ever thought about psychedelic treatment, but I'm very apprehensive about it for various reasons. I've been on a medication to help with the nightmares for over a year now, but thus far it only tanks my blood pressure. My GP has given me the go-ahead to gradually increase the dose, as long as I keep monitoring my blood pressure. The nightmares can be incapacitating, and has messed with my sleep for far too long. When I wake up with nightmares, I immediately get up, move around, do anything I can to keep myself from falling back asleep until it feels 'safe' again. And I'm getting too old to function on so little sleep.

Miss Misty gave me a hell of a scare a few weeks ago. One morning, I woke up and she was extremely lethargic, barely responsive, and just not herself. It's hard to explain, but one of those things that when you know, you know. And I really thought 'this is it'. After an emergency consult with her vet and a day in hospital to run some tests, they found that thankfully it was just an infection. I was so grateful to be able to bring her home. She's doing better now, after a course of antibiotics and some rest. But it was one of the most emotionally draining days I've had in a long time. I really thought that it was going to be goodbye, that she wouldn't be coming home. And I know she's 13. She's an old girl. But I'm not ready to say goodbye, and it terrifies me knowing that one day I'll have to, sooner rather than later.

My potato & leek soup. I've constantly had it around since the surgery.
Each batch varies slightly - the ingredients might differ +/- 10%, sometimes it's a bit thicker,
sometimes it's a bit thinner, depending on how I'm feeling when I make it.