Monday 23 June 2014

The Nothing

"It's the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying this world." - The Neverending Story


It's been a pretty long week. I've just been settling back into being at home. I feel totally overwhelmed by everything. I wish the world would just stop for a moment and let me catch my breath.

I saw my GP on Thursday. A lot of it was just catching up on the hospital admission and treating self-harm wounds as she hadn't received the letter from the specialist yet. It's three weeks today since I was admitted. I've still been feeling not-quite-right. The cough, fever, congestion, pain, headache, sweats, utter exhaustion have sparked back up again, though it's still no where near as bad as it was.

She said that both she and the Lung Doctor Man understand that smoking, both substances, is a complicated issue for me and neither expect me to be able to 'just quit', which was great to hear. She recommended to take things one cigarette at a time for now, and if I can go without one or stub one out halfway, great, but not to push myself if it'll just make my mental state worse.

We talked about how she and the dietitian and the mental health nurse all came to visit, and I think all agree it was definitely a good idea for the MH nurse to visit because it really opened up the line of communication.
"I think now you might know that we do actually care about you and really want to help you, that you're not just any patient who walks in."
I nearly started crying. I've never had any doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, anyone actually care about me before my current team. 

Mum went away over the weekend. I ended up smoking too much and didn't sleep. I've been having more and more sleepless nights lately. The night was spent re-watching the same old movies for the millionth time, cuddling with the cat and dog, drinking too much coffee and periodically bursting into tears. I made sure to spend some time yesterday catching up with all your lovely blogs, because it's just been too much to face some days and I've fallen behind on reading and commenting. At the moment I just can't bear to be in my head. Life is fucking excruciating, waiting for time to pass. There is just nothing. It hurts to think, to feel, to breathe.

I'm trying to take things one day at a time. It seems to be my motto lately. As for this week, I'm seeing the dietician tomorrow and the mental health nurse on Wednesday. I really don't know how she's supposed to be able to help, but I've got nothing to lose by talking. I'm hoping my GP will consider trying another antidepressant soon. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I'll try to update later in the week.


"A strange sort of Nothing is destroying everything."


xxBella

7 comments:

  1. This is really random, but I thought of this when I was reading your blog. I'm obsessed with this one webcomic (Hyperbole and a Half), and she has the most amazing explanation of how depression feels. I found it helpful to read, so I thought I'd share it
    http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

    ReplyDelete
  2. HUGS. I have no words at the moment. gah. Ok. Words: Do something nice for yourself, okies? I got myself a wreck this journal as a present to give me a break from Hell-land. I'm trying to come up with nice things I can do for myself. So far that's all I've got. Loves loves loves you! I hope Something gives u a break from the excructriating Nothing. xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. i wish the world would let you catch your breath as well, my love.
    i really am so tempted to just put you in a bubble... away from the cigarettes. bad Bella.
    "She recommended to take things one cigarette at a time for now, and if I can go without one or stub one out halfway, great, but not to push myself if it'll just make my mental state worse." i like that. i can compromise with that. i hope that things get better. i hate to think that my Bella is sicky.
    "I think now you might know that we do actually care about you and really want to help you, that you're not just any patient who walks in." i want to say that to someone one day. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. it's very rare to find good doctors that don't just see their patients as well...just cases.
    when you're in that mindset, darling, life is excruciating unfortunately.
    "I really don't know how she's supposed to be able to help, but I've got nothing to lose by talking." atta, girl. you are absolutely right. i like to see this. i think with mental disease, logic skews so it is nice to see a statement of pure logic right there. i can't deny it and i don't think anyone else can.
    hopefully, you wouldn't have to keep doing this for much longer. i hope you're able to breathe soon. i hope you're able to think better. x

    as per comment replies:
    Dorian Grey was nice. i might compile a list for things that are definitely watchable. i'd like to say i have good taste in films. :P - of course, i do. i'm Sam.
    i trust that you can make low-cal anything. for someone that can't bake or cook at all, i can make low-cal nothing. i can buy low-cal things and eat them but that's just about it.
    "SAM, you goose. Click on my FB profile and I have my hometown listed :P" i just laughed. why did i not think of this? why did this just go over my head?
    stalking time zones is the best.
    what the fuck is your weather can i just cry i'd freeze to death in that weather. the lowest my body is accustomed to is probably around the region of 17 degrees C.
    I LOVE YOU TOO. good luck to you! <3

    -Sam Lupin

    ReplyDelete
  4. ' I wish the world would just stop for a moment and let me catch my breath'
    Yes, yes, yes. Can totally relate.
    I wish the world would stop to let you feel better. I hate thinking of you so ill. But at least you're out of hospital?

    I think it's such a fine line flitting between mental and physical health - I've experienced that especially with the anorexia, but not smoking. I just hope you can find the balance. One cigarette at a time is quite enough. Don't push yourself too much lovely, all you can do is try.

    ' Life is fucking excruciating, waiting for time to pass. There is just nothing. It hurts to think, to feel, to breathe.' Can totally relate to this too. :( My heart goes out to you Bella. Please hang on in there because the time will pass and it will be better. I'm here for you ok, I don't know what I can do, but just to let you know that I care too.

    Sending you oodles of love and hugs xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  5. To have a breather.

    It feels like I'm constantly running to keep up with my head. My body and my mind don't operate on the same time scale. I'm hoping the yoga will help.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hugs!
    World won't stop but you can shut it down for a while and that's ok. And there's ways to slow it down. I'm a hopeless dreamer and when close my eyes imagining myself somewhere, it slows down. You got a dream team there for you, that sounds so good that I'm starting to wonder should I start believing the health care system again. Some people really get help from there, who knew! Anyway, that makes me really really happy to hear that you're not just another case in their files.

    I know I say this a lot but you're gonna be ok and everything is going to be ok. I promise.

    ReplyDelete