Friday, 8 August 2014

Progress (?)

I saw my lovely GP yesterday, and it actually went okay. A lot of things got sorted out and I left with more hope than I went in with, at least.

She asked how I was going with the mental health nurse and I just said 'not good'. She looked a little confused. It took a while to get the words out, stopping and starting. I explained how she's pushing DBT and everything's moving way too fast. It took months for my GP to get me to even see the nurse, and then it was supposed to just be to have someone to talk to, and to go slowly about it since I hadn't seen a mental health professional in so long.

She was wonderful and understanding and is going to talk to the MH nurse next week and get things back to the slowly-gently approach. I'm not ready to be pushed, I don't trust her enough for her to push me, and if I'm pushed I'll run.

I asked her about my antidepressants again. She said she didn't want to change my meds, I said I still didn't understand why. She thinks what I've got with mirtazapine is the most I'll get out of antidepressants (which is nothing).
"So it's not even worth trying then?"
"No, it is..."

She asked what it is I want from antidepressants. I told her that each day is just so hard to get through and I'm so tired of everything. All I ever want is for the day to be over, but then I wake up the next day and it's just as difficult and painful and I wonder why I even bother. On Wednesday I woke up from flashback nightmare hell and broke down crying on the floor within a minute of waking up, which spiraled into five hours of tears and self-harm and hysterics. I don't expect medication to make everything better, I know it doesn't work that way, I just want things to be slightly less unbearable, and maybe it'd help me get to the next step of starting therapy or seeing an actual psychiatrist or whatever.

She meets with a psychiatrist once a month to get advice on her patients, which is how I ended up on seroquel and the last two tried-and-failed antidepressants, and she's going to ask if there's anything she can change around with my meds. That's in three weeks. I know it's not much, but it's some hope to hold on to at least.

She listened to my chest and wrote me a script. Another infection brewing. My oxygen levels were low but "not jumping-up-and-down low". For the first time in ages my blood pressure was low (99/60-something) and then had a postural drop when I stood. She asked if I've been dehydrating myself, which I haven't; if anything I over-hydrate.

Then she asked if I thought I was getting close to an admission for my ED, and honestly, I wanted to laugh. I've managed to avoid psych wards and ED units for three and a half years now, and I've been within the same ~6kg range for the last three (42-48kg, BMI 12.3-14.0). The dietician's pretty happy with how things are going - my intake isn't great but my blood sugars are stable and my weight isn't plummeting. I work damn hard to avoid inpatient and treatment while still keeping anorexia close; I really don't think I'm going inpatient again any time soon.

To finish on a positive note, I started working on a couple of new skirts this week, which is the first sewing I've done for months, so expect pictures soon. Shockingly enough, one of them isn't all black.
Also, I'm trying to plan my next outing with mum, hopefully for during the next few weeks. I want to do another bushwalk, but the weather's so awful it mightn't be practical, so my other idea is to go to one of the zoos or wildlife sanctuaries for the day. But yes, plans are in the works. 

Thanks to everyone for the feedback on my last post. You guys are amazing and I love you all to pieces. I'm pretty sure I'm overthinking the whole mindfulness thing, like, I don't know how to do it 'right'. I made an appointment to see the mental health nurse again in two weeks and I've been writing down notes and thoughts and questions on mindfulness, so I guess I'll talk to her about it then. 



  1. OK this is probably a stupid question.. Why aren't you considering the ED admissions? - I mean.. You are still so young, and you have so much life a head of you.. And maybe this will be it.. You know?

    You don't have to answer this if you don't wanna. It's ok.

  2. Sewing YAY! Good hear that there's some life in you again! Zoo or any other animal sanctuary sounds amazing. You definitely need a kitty saying purrrrrr to you and sleeping in your lap.

    I hope you can avoid inpatient because I have a feeling that would make things more crazy in the end. You're strong girl and you are getting closer and closer to the range where you're getting the hang of it how to live and laugh. You know, the anorexia is always going to be there as an option even if you tried something different for a few years... that's the thought which made all the difference for me in the end. That if this "happier life" wasn't for me, I could always go back since the beginning and the start was the coolest part with the whole ed anyway.

    Stay strong and fight for you because then you can do what ever. I don't know who said to you that you can't, but that's a poor way prove him wrong. Getting out of there makes it much more proving :), you are my hero <3

  3. Oh, and I've seen those cokes only in Estonia. Finland we have names on the bottles... horrid hassle when everyone wants their own name. Or in some bottles there's tittles too. I got one saying Queen :D. It doesn't say anything relevant next to the coke logo... it's just logo.
    Thanks girl, yea we had some quality time :)

  4. When I had depression I had mirtazapine and, as psychology student at the time, I questioned the GP as although it is an anti depressant it's strongly used as a sleeping pill. I got so cross when he said "well, you don't feel depressed any more" and I said "Because I don't feel anything any more!". I guess it's a pretty low risk drug as it is impossible to OD on. Also if you're having horrific nightmares then mirtazapine is a bad choice as it causes ridiculously vivid dreams which is why I just stopped taking mine. Sometimes I could never be sure what was reality and what was a dream. It reduces slow wave sleep so your quality of sleep will be dire so you can sleep for ten hours and wake up feeling shit still. Sorry for going complete psych grad on you but you are totally well within your right to want a different treatment. It is your body at the end of the day xx

  5. Taking any medication that doesn't really do anything for you... Hm. I wouldn't. Especially not mirtazapine, the drug from hell. I totally agree with Skylar Rainn; I don't think I've ever heard about anyone who actually preferred mirtazapine over any other medication. I just hope you can find anyone that actually works for you.

  6. Sorry your GP isn't listening to you. I really hate talking to those people and it's even worse when you walk out feeling like nobody heard what you tried to say. All the best luck with the new skirts and the Bush trip!

  7. I can see things from more of a mental health perspective and so I can see the need for some meds and some therapy but you'll never trust them if you don't try and you don't like to go so how will you meet them anyway? I know that with trauma you can't just push things as I have my own trauma I had to work through, but the thing is, you do have to push. You can't stay where you are hoping to change. I get sad because I think you just want this life job and you don't know how amazing you are. It's heartbreaking. I love you and I just want you to get better.

    Mindfulness is just taking stock of your first instinct thoughts and actions to things. So the dog gets out day and my first thought is that I want to kill him or maybe I think the worst and cry. You look at your reactions to the world and you understand them. You also notice the details of things and people. Listen to what they say and how they say it. Notice the environment t and the beauty or the danger or anything. You connect with the world. It's hard for people with EDs because it a process of disconnecting. That's what Mindfulness is. Just learned a lot about it in class. :)

    I live you to the moon and back.

  8. You're never far from my thoughts Bella. Can't wait to hear about what you get up to on your next outing. I'm wishing you all the very best for that, I know it won't be easy for you, but hope you get all you want out of it :) Sending you bunches of love and oodles of hugs xxx

  9. I know it sucks, but life is funny like that. I love how when I read your posts, I can still hear strength and tenacity in your tone. It sucks to push the rock back up the hill every day, but some day, you'll reach the top. Stay strong, and never stop pushing that rock <3 SUnshine

  10. Oh hunny, it was so nice to read an update from you. I understand the whole part about maintaining but keeping your ed close. It's something we all do. But sweetie, your BMI terrifies me. I know I don't have much room to talk, but I do worry for you. I miss you and hope to hear from you soon.

  11. I'm so glad your GP is understanding! And I hope you can get a change in meds, and they can figure out something that will actually work.

    Oh! that made me so glad to read that you're sewing again! You have such talent and I'm glad you're able to start working on it again, even if it's just a little bit. Love love love!

  12. It seriously brightens my day when you post. You know, although life may be tough and you're going through hard times, somehow on here you seem slightly positive about it, like part of you wants to be happy, you say you feel like giving up sometime, yet you don't, and that's brave and courageous to me.

    I think it was very brave of you to tell your doctor you don't like the way the mental health nurse was talking to you, as in being too pushy, that's the best thing to do for yourself, be an advocate for yourself, too many people get pushed around by health care professionals, or get pushed through the cracks and ignored, I'm glad you keep going to your doctor, and being honest with them, that's a good thing.

    Also, I'm glad to hear you're sewing again, It's good to have something in your life that's not ED. Sometimes when I do things, and realize I didn't think about food for a few minutes, I SOMETIMES feel like a normal person lol.

    Hope to see you posting again soon<3

  13. I hope MH nurse will scale it back a bit. I don't like the pestering for inpatient thing tho. 1) You struggle with agoraphobia and being thrown into that environment could be way too much at once and might just retraumatize you. 2) Your mh is more complex than just anorexia. Throwing you into an environment that only focuses on that one aspect will probably drive up the other stuff, which ultimately only reinforces that ED-brain keeps you safe and you need it. Working on things in little steps like slowly building trust with the mh nurse, is so much more important, especially since the support from your dietician has kept your medical status relatively ok all things considered. ... anyway, my latest smoothie is strawberries + blueberries + bananas + orange juice + calorie void yogurt. I've been researching protein-rich/ low kcal seeds and nuts to try (grind them to a powder and add them in). One day it will be perfected. Your stew sounds good but I've been mostly vegetarian for so long so beef is off the menu.

  14. I'm glad you're sewing again. I'd love to see the skirts when you've done. Where are the patterns from?
    Also, well done for opening up to your GP about the MH nurse. Hopefully something will start to help you soon. <3 xxx

  15. I can see you need the ED. There's a catch 22 though and that is the anorexia is actually making you worse. You're brain and body chemistry are all messed up. Panic attacks and all other attacks are worse without enough protein and calories. I hope you decide to work on recovery for real because you are dicing with death. I think you'll make the right call for yourself in the end.

  16. I forgot to add if you don't go into recovery for the ED you won't be able to work on the other MH issues. Especially if you become seriously ill again. It's a terrible thing Bella, I'm not wanting to sound harsh, I'm trying to be realistic. As someone with some experience the ED is not worth dying for. X

  17. I do hope the psychiatrist has something to help. 3 weeks is a long wait. I know the push for DBT is sudden, but for me it helps reading about everything beforehand. Therapy was really overwhelming to me at times.. the psychiatrist more so. It helped me to read a bit about what they were saying online. Recently, my diagnosis was changed to bipolar. I didn't really process this at first, but then I looked through some books and it made more sense.

    The other thing is that if it's moving too fast, you can say something. This may not mean not doing what the mh nurse says, but explain that it's overwhelming. It may change how the discussion goes. You may need to be your own advocate, and that was really hard for me.

    My therapist has some weird new methods she's using (involving light and stuff) and I finally had to tell her I wouldn't do it. It was only making me angry and limiting how much I could talk. She mentions it now, but I get more time to process my week. I will point out to my doctor if meds aren't working or if they're too expensive or if I am on too many. It may just be that you say it's too fast and the mh nurse can change the approach.