She asked how I was going with the mental health nurse and I just said 'not good'. She looked a little confused. It took a while to get the words out, stopping and starting. I explained how she's pushing DBT and everything's moving way too fast. It took months for my GP to get me to even see the nurse, and then it was supposed to just be to have someone to talk to, and to go slowly about it since I hadn't seen a mental health professional in so long.
She was wonderful and understanding and is going to talk to the MH nurse next week and get things back to the slowly-gently approach. I'm not ready to be pushed, I don't trust her enough for her to push me, and if I'm pushed I'll run.
I asked her about my antidepressants again. She said she didn't want to change my meds, I said I still didn't understand why. She thinks what I've got with mirtazapine is the most I'll get out of antidepressants (which is nothing).
"So it's not even worth trying then?"
"No, it is..."
She asked what it is I want from antidepressants. I told her that each day is just so hard to get through and I'm so tired of everything. All I ever want is for the day to be over, but then I wake up the next day and it's just as difficult and painful and I wonder why I even bother. On Wednesday I woke up from flashback nightmare hell and broke down crying on the floor within a minute of waking up, which spiraled into five hours of tears and self-harm and hysterics. I don't expect medication to make everything better, I know it doesn't work that way, I just want things to be slightly less unbearable, and maybe it'd help me get to the next step of starting therapy or seeing an actual psychiatrist or whatever.
She meets with a psychiatrist once a month to get advice on her patients, which is how I ended up on seroquel and the last two tried-and-failed antidepressants, and she's going to ask if there's anything she can change around with my meds. That's in three weeks. I know it's not much, but it's some hope to hold on to at least.
She listened to my chest and wrote me a script. Another infection brewing. My oxygen levels were low but "not jumping-up-and-down low". For the first time in ages my blood pressure was low (99/60-something) and then had a postural drop when I stood. She asked if I've been dehydrating myself, which I haven't; if anything I over-hydrate.
Then she asked if I thought I was getting close to an admission for my ED, and honestly, I wanted to laugh. I've managed to avoid psych wards and ED units for three and a half years now, and I've been within the same ~6kg range for the last three (42-48kg, BMI 12.3-14.0). The dietician's pretty happy with how things are going - my intake isn't great but my blood sugars are stable and my weight isn't plummeting. I work damn hard to avoid inpatient and treatment while still keeping anorexia close; I really don't think I'm going inpatient again any time soon.
To finish on a positive note, I started working on a couple of new skirts this week, which is the first sewing I've done for months, so expect pictures soon. Shockingly enough, one of them isn't all black.
Also, I'm trying to plan my next outing with mum, hopefully for during the next few weeks. I want to do another bushwalk, but the weather's so awful it mightn't be practical, so my other idea is to go to one of the zoos or wildlife sanctuaries for the day. But yes, plans are in the works.
Thanks to everyone for the feedback on my last post. You guys are amazing and I love you all to pieces. I'm pretty sure I'm overthinking the whole mindfulness thing, like, I don't know how to do it 'right'. I made an appointment to see the mental health nurse again in two weeks and I've been writing down notes and thoughts and questions on mindfulness, so I guess I'll talk to her about it then.