Tuesday, 14 July 2015

The Dietician Returns, and the "Don't Think" Daze

It's Tuesday. The dietician is back from her holidays, and I saw her this morning for the first time in a month.

As good as it was to see her, part of me didn't even want to go, so I could just continue in my recent 'block it out' daze.

My GP must've made a note, because the first thing she asked about was the fact I haven't been seeing the new Mental Health Nurse. So I filled her in on my last appointment with the GP (we talked about it and she was going to call the MHN, and asked me to make another appointment), then her office calling wanting to make an appointment with both mum & I, when I panicked and said hell no.

I still haven't even made an appointment. I don't even want to think about it, let alone initiate a conversation, and mum hasn't mentioned it since so I just... haven't. Whenever we do talk about appointments and such now, it only ends in tragedy anyway.

Then last week, I got a letter in the mail regarding my pension. There are a heap of forms they want me to fill out, and I need to see my GP to do that, but I haven't even made the appointment yet. Again; do not want to even think about it. I'm not 100% yet on why, but it's another medical check on top of the regular one my GP filled out only a couple of months back, and it's even more invasive.

They want a complete list of diagnoses, whether they're presumptive or confirmed by a specialist, details of past, present and future treatment, they want names, they want dates (that's over 10 years since my first diagnoses of depression and anxiety), they want to know about my level of compliance, how each diagnosis specifically effects my daily functioning...

It's pretty horrifying.

Needless to say, this all led to a major freakout, panic, tears. I feel like I'm in trouble, although I know there's no reason to feel that way. The thought of possibly having to work terrifies me - not so much the 'work' factor itself. It's having to be a part of the world. in a way I can't explain.

It's just all too much and I don't even want to think about it, let alone do it. I want to shred the forms, burn the remains, and bury the ashes deep at the bottom of the garbage bin (one copy of the forms - they sent two - may have gotten torn up during the initial breakdown).

So I've been sticking my head in the sand. I don't want to see the GP because it's been nearly a month and I still haven't even made an appointment to see the MHN, and I'm afraid to tell her, more so now because I'm worried it'll look bad on this form. And I haven't been able to talk about any of it so it's been going no where.

So today we spent most of the appointment figuring out how to deal with his GP-MHN-Paperwork mess. I swear she'd be a better MHN than my current MHN. I think it helped just to talk about it and have someone to bounce things off.

We decided I should see my GP first to get this paperwork sorted out first, since there's kind of a deadline on that (oops), and then we can deal with what's going on with the MHN. I told her I'd try to get an appointment later this week. To make the whole situation a tiny bit less rough, I think I'm going to ask my GP to seal the forms in the envelope, instead of letting me peruse them when I get home. Some of the questions - or answers more to the point - can be triggering as hell, and I really don't need that right now.

My intake dropped when she was gone, but that's to be expected. In the end I've only a kilo to report. I've also not really been exercising this month except for some cleaning/moving furniture and a couple of stints on the step. I just have no energy, no motivation, and it was having bugger all effect on the scales anyway.

And I've only just remembered that my GP was going to leave the dietician a message regarding my electrolyte and iron labs and blood pressure/hydration, but it didn't come up. If it had, it would've been the same conversation as always, and the same supplements sitting unopened on the shelf.

We were discussing exercise and estimates for calories burned, and I mentioned that in her absence, I'd finished my first 6-month intake journal for 2015. On top of MyFitnessPal, which dates back further, for the past three years I've also used notebooks. Each is evenly split into 6 months, and up the back is a summary of my intakes for each month, monthly/6-monthly/yearly totals and averages for intake, calories burned and net, everything.

So she's asked me to bring them in next week because she'd loved to see them (oh, I was so hoping she'd say that!!!). She said she doesn't know anyone who take as many notes as me, but she doesn't even know the half of it. So be prepared, guys. There's probably going to be a big notebook post coming up.

I have to admit, it feels very vulnerable to let someone see every detail of my intake, even though she is a dietician. In the three years I've been seeing her, I'v never let her in so far. To show someone my intakes and weights and numbers, or my total calorie intake for a calendar year... It feels like I'm letting someone see my DNA, to see what makes me, me.

But it was so good to see her again, Despite our rocky patch earlier this year, we've come out of it stronger, I think. Regardless, a whole month without appointments is far too long. I hadn't seen anyone since I saw the GP on the 25th. As much as I've enjoyed the break and wish I could keep my head in the sand, it'll be good to have some structure back in my week. I just feel so lost and stuck. But this post is long enough already.

Now I have to face the music of the GP-MHN-Paperwork fiasco...



  1. Bella I know how stressful the whole thing is
    I just had my check up on my disability benefit
    The inspector called to my house
    And I had to fill in endless forms
    I know it's overwhelming
    Maybe try to do a little bit every day
    Baby steps
    And lots of deep breathes
    Get someone to help you too
    And take it question by question

    There is a possibility that my benefit will be stopped if I do the course I want to do
    Sometimes these people make so sense
    So today I have to go and see a man in an office and plead my case

    I would say hang in there
    But you deserve more than just to hang in there
    You deserve to live life to its fullest
    And I will never give up the hope that you will

    Love always x

  2. "But it was so good to see her again, Despite our rocky patch earlier this year, we've come out of it stronger, I think." Hallelujah! ! That is really a great step forward. We all have horrible misunderstandings and other stuff. It's inevitable. No one is perfect. ..sad to say. But she's a nice lady I think. The worst part about "life" outside for me is the conflict. In the past If I wasn't wrapped in cotton wool I couldn't cope with anything. I'm getting better at it, letting stuff just be stuff and not classing everything as catastrophic. Most things are just in a grey area, people too. I have to live with that, too. Hard.

    Anyway, It is quite intimate letting her see the intake etc. but it might really help her understand you. Plus it is her job, I think she'll be pretty impartial. She won't see it the way you do. It could actually be really really good. Though I accept it's scary.

    My Centrelink tip! Just fill out the forms in a half arsed way and hand them in. Don't get to perfectionist about it. I notice if you screw up the forms they'll help you. As long as you attempt them.

    HTH, Bella.

    Xoxo shelby

  3. i think that you shouldn't be forced to see someone like the new MHN. i mean...come on. she has only made things worse so far. why the hell are people so bent on you seeing her?

    do you want to know a secret? i had to look up the word 'pension'.

    "It's pretty horrifying." it does sound very horrifying. just hearing all those things together sound like a huge hassle and weight. i'm hoping that you push through relatively unscathed. i'm sorry to know that it's just put you in such a state already. a lot of times, our disorders are above our logic, and that's why they are disorders. it's okay that you 'feel like you're in trouble' even though you're not and you know it. i hope that hearing it from someone else helps you feel better (it does me so hence why i repeat it to you). it's going to be alright.

    you can do this. as Ruby said, little by little. you can do this.

    "I just have no energy, no motivation, and it was having bugger all effect on the scales anyway." aye. i find that when you overexercise, it's the days that you rest that actually shift your weight funny enough. besides, you don't have to be overexercising to reap the benefits of moving around a little more. i remember the lung doc wanted you to exercise, but i think you shouldn't be doing too much. i remember when you wrote hours before on pages and i was thinking to myself: oh no, this is not right.

    i know how it feels like. trust me, my love.

    i have a strange problem with preserving info from before. i stopped w/ MFP a while ago and started logging things on my own (mostly because MFP makes me think 'MACROS'). i've got a nifty little spreadsheet that i've been using for a month. just sitting there and seeing my average calories per week, per month, etc. it's exciting...in a sad way, but still.

    "It feels like I'm letting someone see my DNA, to see what makes me, me." but it isn't. i just wanted to let you know that. you are so much more, my love. your DNA is so much more. <3 i just wanted to remind you of that.

    "But it was so good to see her again, Despite our rocky patch earlier this year, we've come out of it stronger, I think." i'm glad about this. you need more people on Team Bella (of course i'm captain!).

    25? yikes. really? huh.

    but you'll push through. i trust it. loving Shelby's tip in filling them half-arsed!

    i love you so.

    -Sam Lupin

  4. I'm glad it was good to see her again, for you to roll of your issues with someone who is overall good to you.

    I understand how terrifying it is about your pension. I've just had to re-apply for my disability money and it was a scary process and a man even had to come to the house after I had to fill out pages of information. That was scary, so believe me, you're not alone in this.

    Thinking of you Bella

  5. I hope you can get everything sorted with the forms and things. I hate having to do stuff like that, especially with deadlines. It could be worse--you could live in America!

    Deep breaths. <3

    I think it'll be a good thing for her to see your notebooks; she'll definitely get a better insight into you so she can help you more.

    Try and remember to just keep swimming. xo

  6. I know too well the horrors of pension and paper work. In Sweden you have to reapply every third year and I am due next summer. Fortunately I have my counsellor from the disability centre to help me. If it hadn't been for her, I probably wouldn't have applied at all.

    I concur with Ruby: I hope with all my heart that one day you will not merely "hang in there", but thrive.

    Love you to bits, dear Bella.

  7. I'm sorry to hear that you're having trouble with your appointments, darling. Maybe talk with your mother when you are more relaxed?
    Let your GP fill in everything? You're not in trouble. I think, pardon me if I'm wrong, but you're scared of being part of a group, as opposed to staying in your world? I'm a bit confused.
    Your GP understands how you behave, right, so it shouldn't reflect badly on the form, don't worry.
    Oh, I do hope you eat a little more, sweetheart. Take the supplements, if they help. I've always tried to use notebooks for recording calorie intake but they all end up on my phone anyway because I lose the notebooks. And wow, you're very detailed about it. But, it's always your choice, remember? If you don't want her to see it, then don't bring it with you, but it's your choice, love. And I'm happy that you're glad to see the dietician. Good luck with the paperwork, and take care of yourself, dear.


  8. It's been so long since I've commented and I'm sorry. I have similar paperwork happening now and I'm terrified because I'm asking for support to do school but also claiming that I can't work. So... there is this huge risk that they'll just say no to school and say I need to work. School itself is terrifying but it's safer to me than facing strangers behind a counter at a cafe. I'm having big doubts that i can do any of the things. I've missed you Bella and think about you loads. I can't seem to read through your posts from before... my mind keeps jumping around?? I don't know. So I might be a bit out of the loop. Sending a big squishy hug.