It's Tuesday. The dietician is back from her holidays, and I saw her this morning for the first time in a month.
As good as it was to see her, part of me didn't even want to go, so I could just continue in my recent 'block it out' daze.
My GP must've made a note, because the first thing she asked about was the fact I haven't been seeing the new Mental Health Nurse. So I filled her in on my last appointment with the GP (we talked about it and she was going to call the MHN, and asked me to make another appointment), then her office calling wanting to make an appointment with both mum & I, when I panicked and said hell no.
I still haven't even made an appointment. I don't even want to think about it, let alone initiate a conversation, and mum hasn't mentioned it since so I just... haven't. Whenever we do talk about appointments and such now, it only ends in tragedy anyway.
Then last week, I got a letter in the mail regarding my pension. There are a heap of forms they want me to fill out, and I need to see my GP to do that, but I haven't even made the appointment yet. Again; do not want to even think about it. I'm not 100% yet on why, but it's another medical check on top of the regular one my GP filled out only a couple of months back, and it's even more invasive.
They want a complete list of diagnoses, whether they're presumptive or confirmed by a specialist, details of past, present and future treatment, they want names, they want dates (that's over 10 years since my first diagnoses of depression and anxiety), they want to know about my level of compliance, how each diagnosis specifically effects my daily functioning...
It's pretty horrifying.
Needless to say, this all led to a major freakout, panic, tears. I feel like I'm in trouble, although I know there's no reason to feel that way. The thought of possibly having to work terrifies me - not so much the 'work' factor itself. It's having to be a part of the world. in a way I can't explain.
It's just all too much and I don't even want to think about it, let alone do it. I want to shred the forms, burn the remains, and bury the ashes deep at the bottom of the garbage bin (one copy of the forms - they sent two - may have gotten torn up during the initial breakdown).
So I've been sticking my head in the sand. I don't want to see the GP because it's been nearly a month and I still haven't even made an appointment to see the MHN, and I'm afraid to tell her, more so now because I'm worried it'll look bad on this form. And I haven't been able to talk about any of it so it's been going no where.
So today we spent most of the appointment figuring out how to deal with his GP-MHN-Paperwork mess. I swear she'd be a better MHN than my current MHN. I think it helped just to talk about it and have someone to bounce things off.
We decided I should see my GP first to get this paperwork sorted out first, since there's kind of a deadline on that (oops), and then we can deal with what's going on with the MHN. I told her I'd try to get an appointment later this week. To make the whole situation a tiny bit less rough, I think I'm going to ask my GP to seal the forms in the envelope, instead of letting me peruse them when I get home. Some of the questions - or answers more to the point - can be triggering as hell, and I really don't need that right now.
My intake dropped when she was gone, but that's to be expected. In the end I've only a kilo to report. I've also not really been exercising this month except for some cleaning/moving furniture and a couple of stints on the step. I just have no energy, no motivation, and it was having bugger all effect on the scales anyway.
And I've only just remembered that my GP was going to leave the dietician a message regarding my electrolyte and iron labs and blood pressure/hydration, but it didn't come up. If it had, it would've been the same conversation as always, and the same supplements sitting unopened on the shelf.
We were discussing exercise and estimates for calories burned, and I mentioned that in her absence, I'd finished my first 6-month intake journal for 2015. On top of MyFitnessPal, which dates back further, for the past three years I've also used notebooks. Each is evenly split into 6 months, and up the back is a summary of my intakes for each month, monthly/6-monthly/yearly totals and averages for intake, calories burned and net, everything.
So she's asked me to bring them in next week because she'd loved to see them (oh, I was so hoping she'd say that!!!). She said she doesn't know anyone who take as many notes as me, but she doesn't even know the half of it. So be prepared, guys. There's probably going to be a big notebook post coming up.
I have to admit, it feels very vulnerable to let someone see every detail of my intake, even though she is a dietician. In the three years I've been seeing her, I'v never let her in so far. To show someone my intakes and weights and numbers, or my total calorie intake for a calendar year... It feels like I'm letting someone see my DNA, to see what makes me, me.
But it was so good to see her again, Despite our rocky patch earlier this year, we've come out of it stronger, I think. Regardless, a whole month without appointments is far too long. I hadn't seen anyone since I saw the GP on the 25th. As much as I've enjoyed the break and wish I could keep my head in the sand, it'll be good to have some structure back in my week. I just feel so lost and stuck. But this post is long enough already.
Now I have to face the music of the GP-MHN-Paperwork fiasco...