Monday, 20 July 2015

Paralyzed with Anxiety

Today we have some tradies around the house. Something to do with the roof, I think.

As we all know, proven by the last batch of handiwork we needed done, I do not cope well at all with having people in the house.

I've been stressing over it ever since mum called them. On Friday, they said they'd be here this morning, 'before eight'. Now, I'm an early bird, so that aspect didn't bother me (I was up freezing my butt off at 3:45 this morning), but the impreciseness meant I felt I had to be ready to bolt inside from the porch from 6am onward, and every noise had me on edge.

He got here at 7:50.

So today I am hiding in the lounge room, curtains drawn. The entire contents of my study, furniture and all, is currently in my bedroom in preparation for painting (out of necessity - my GP's 'redecorate' speech has not impacted me), meaning both rooms are currently out of order. Going out to the hallway or kitchen or study means windows, and potentially someone on the other side. I can't.

I've been utterly frozen all day. Not just from the weather, although it did get down to -1.4°c this morning (what???), but mentally. I can hear the tiler banging and clanging outside and thumping over the roof. And I am stuck. Staring at the wall. I can't do anything. It's taken me until 3pm to even pick up my laptop.

Paralyzed with anxiety.

I did see the GP last week to fill out those bloody forms.

I told her I didn't want to even look at them, and she thought that was probably a good idea. Although I normally enjoy perusing her answers, this one was so in depth, and at the moment I really don't need any more triggers. She did ask a few questions, but most of my history she just looked up. As soon as she was done, I crammed the papers in the envelope and sealed it before temptation could get the better of me.

The dietician and/or mental health nurse must've talked to her, because she said she was still listing the MHN as part of my current treatment team even though I haven't been seeing her. She didn't push it or ask about it though. I guess she's saving that for the double this Thursday.

And, amazingly enough, despite taking them nightly she gave me another script for temazepam, though she said to keep taking breaks occasionally, and to use them as a 'treat' rather than a nightly thing.

I still haven't filled in my half of those forms. They're due in on Friday so I might be able to get my GP to help on Thursday, if mum can take them into town instead of posting them. Sigh. Currently they're sitting spread out on the garage floor from a post-appointment breakdown. I don't even want to pick them up.

Thank you guys for your feedback on my recent posts. Sorry for being so negative all the time lately. On the bright side, yesterday I dyed my hair and tomorrow I'm going to paint my nails, then I'm going to try to get out after this week's appointments.



  1. It's tough I know Bells
    Any disruption to our routine is tough
    And having strangers in the house is really difficult
    I am delighted to read that you dyed your hair and are going to paint your nails
    I firmly believe it's the little things that keep us going

    You are a brave soldier Bells
    I know every day is a struggle
    And you handle it all admirably

    Am away for a couple of days
    But will email you when I get back
    Hope the work men aren't in for too long
    In the mean time try to keep yourself feeling as safe as possible
    Not easy I know

    Take care sweet one x

  2. I wish I could help you with your stress, I do medical forms here at work every day and I know how overwhelming they can be. I would do them for ya if I could.

    Hopefully the tradies can finish quickly.

    What color are you doing your nails? Red perhaps? Its just my fav color ;)

    You are a star and I know you can get through this, if online chatting is your thing feel free to catch me anytime on FB or shoot me an email.

    You are such a doll to leave comments on my blog, it means so much and I would love to help you out in return.

    Much bacon smothered love

  3. Don't apologise for being negative, you're not really being negative, you're just updating us on things that are going on, reaching out to us I guess.

    I can completely relate to hating people in the house, especially strangers. I hide myself away in my bedroom, door closed until they have been and gone, so I think I understand what you are going through in your own home at the moment, and I have an idea of how impossibly hard it is for you. Just keep going until the work is done. You'll be ok, I have every faith in you because you are so unbelievably strong, even if you don't think you are, you really are.

    Thinking of you so much, and enjoy painting your nails after dying your hair! You'll be looking gorgeous as ever! Take care lovely xxxx

  4. I just knew from reading the title that this was not going to be a good post.
    I'm sorry you had more disruptions at home with strangers. Especially with both rooms being out of order. I can't imagine how much of a nightmare this is for you!

    Wow, I think you had typical UK cold temperatures there!

    That's progress, I mean, getting the GP to do her half and then not looking at them. I don't blame you for not wanting to look at yours. Hopefully filling them in won't be as difficult as you may think. Although I'm sorry you had another breakdown. <3

    I'm glad to hear you dyed your hair and are going to do your nails. Your hair always looks even more beautiful after dying it; and you should feel better too. It's even better that you are aiming to get out this week :)

    Love you <3 xxx

  5. Tradies again?
    Any more bearded cute ones?
    No seriously glad you're hanging in there and the forms are going to get done. Stupid Centrelink, they always punish the wrong people!!
    you're such an early bird. I wish I was...maybe not as early as you though. ...

    xoxo shelby

  6. Love you loads and loads. *wraps you up in a cozy sweater and makes the stress disappear*

  7. I feel like I am sitting in the same room as you. I love listening to you speak.

  8. "I just knew from reading the title that this was not going to be a good post."

    whilst i was strolling down, i caught Lolita's statement there and i, too, knew it was not going to be a good post. i delayed writing until i was in a slightly better head space, love. i didn't want to say anything that might potentially be triggering to you or harm you in any way. i fully embrace the "better safe than sorry" thought process.

    "As we all know, proven by the last batch of handiwork we needed done, I do not cope well at all with having people in the house." when i read that there were people in the house, i genuinely felt my heart stop. in all honesty. dear God.

    aw, kitten. sorry about the supposed sounding sleep disturbances. honestly, if i woke up at 3:45am freezing my butt off, i'd be angry as bloody hell for the rest of the day (!). add this on with the anxiety, i couldn't imagine that being a good combination. you must be completely and utterly exhausted. and i do say this a lot but it does sound absolutely exhausting. anxiety is exhausting. being on edge in the wee hours of the morning doesn't seem to be everyone's (or anyone's) cup of tea for a reason.

    honestly, having anyone come to do any form of work around the house is normally terrible for me without actually having any added issues. having fresh memories of camping inside the sister's house and having a disturbed eat/sleep cycle due to people coming around the house from early morn and not leaving until late at night (and i don't have issues with people around the house as much as i don't like being able to move around my own bloody house - confined into that bloody tight space. i hate hate tight spaces. it's heinous!) makes me realise that it could be very bad very quick. and i don't even really have a general problem with it. and it could be exhausting for me.

    so for you? ... i can only imagine.

    you're in my thoughts, love. as always.

    by the way, it's alright. it's going to be just fine, love. a lot of the work is done with those forms and soon, they'll be out of your hair and you won't have to think about them. hopefully, it'll be relieving to just get them out of the way for now.

    "Sorry for being so negative all the time lately." darling, i have never once thought of you as negative. you are just telling it how it is. i really do mean it. if i spent the next 10 years writing about how much i hate people, you wouldn't think of me as negative either. i think that it's unfair that life is throwing you all this bollocks and consistently hope that something good happens to you because you deserve good things.

    i'm proud of you. i cannot wait to hear about this outing and see the nice hair/nails.

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. black nails?