Tuesday, 28 July 2015


I saw my GP last week. Everything is such a mess right now, it's not even funny.

I was a bit of a wreck at the appointment, and I'm not even 100% sure why. I think it worried her a bit. Normally, I never let her see me cry, but this time there was no holding back.

She took my blood pressure so many times I lost count. The cuff stayed on for the whole appointment, and every now and then she'd reach for my wrist to double-check my pulse. Up until the last appointment, my blood pressure had mostly been fine, although my pulse always sits near 100. When I looked up at the screen as she typed in one of the readings, it said 96/83, pulse 127.

Printing out another blood test, she asked
    "Can you get these done today?"
    "Can it wait until Tuesday?"
First thing in the morning, straight after the dietician, is the safest/quietest time.
    "It depends on your blood pressure."
But thankfully by the end of the appointment, she let it slide.

Then the appointment took a turn for the worse.

She said she's worried my condition has deteriorated over the past few months, and dependant on my bloods, may need a 'short admission' for refeeding.

She's already said, not that long ago, that she doesn't think inpatient would help at this point. And if we're talking about just refeeding - not weight gain - there's nothing good IP can do for me that I can't do at home with the dietician and GP (and medical admissions, if necessary).

   "We'll see what your bloods say, but I think we're close to needing to weigh you."
I told her it's fine, I'm fine, I don't need to be weighed. I actually told her exactly how much I'd lost since the dietician last weighed me, which was 1.5-2kg, as much as I hated saying it (I'm still only weighing in on the Wii, deliberately so I don't know an accurate weight but can tell when it changes).
    "Well, I don't know if our scales would say that... but talk it through with the dietician and see what she thinks."

It's just all so fucked up. I don't know where this sudden burst of worry-panic-urgency came from. That's what I get for being so teary instead of just holding it in.

Obviously the mental health nurse was going to come up, and I had no idea what to say. We hadn't spoken about it since I was supposed to make an appointment, the MHN called to make one, but I couldn't bring myself to.

She asked if things with mum were still stressing me out, in particular the fact she's refusing to come to appointments.
    "I was actually talking to the MHN about it the other day, since you're obviously having trouble getting back. She agrees it was too sudden a change, and needs to be worked toward slowly and gradually. It was one of the first things she wanted to work with you on."
    "It doesn't matter. She won't listen."

We spoke a bit about my not going back to see her. It's too overwhelming, especially after so long, especially by myself, even if gong back could help. The last thing I want is to go back to see her and have her go on and on about what she meant by the 'mum's tired of you' thing. And I know she wants to explain what she meant, but I honestly cannot cope with that right now.

I can't even remember the outcome of the conversation. The gist was that I'm still expected to go back, but I don't think she told me to make an appointment. It was all just too much and my head was not coping.

She asked if maybe my mood has gotten worse since stopping Mirtazapine, but I really don't think it has. If anything, they're just seeing it more because I feel without outlet at home. To be honest, I'm just glad to not be putting that crap into my body any more.
    "What would your thoughts be on starting a new antidepressant?"
    "I don't know. I really don't think they'll help."

She gave me the name of a new pill, saying it had only been around for a few years but was showing promising results.
    "Can I at least come off the Gabapentin first? I really don't think it's changed anything and I don't feel comfortable taking pills that don't do anything."

She wrote me up a 3-week plan to cut back the Gabapentin from 3-a-day to 0, and start this new pill at week 3. At least I didn't have to take myself off it unsupported like the Mirtazapine.

This will be antidepressant #7. I haven't even read into it yet, but when I do I'll let you all know what it is. Normally, I'd be straight on it, but it's just too much so I'm trying to forget about it for the next 3 weeks.

I really don't think they'll work, but what does not taking them get me?

As we were finishing up, she asked if I'd had my scripts filled yet. I hadn't. They'd all been sitting on the garage floor for nearly a month, along with the forms. I don't want to even think about it, let alone touch them.

She started going on about how she'd need to legally involve mum in my care if I couldn't ask her to get the scripts filled, saying she'd go get her from the waiting room, and would I prefer to leave while they talk. I talked her into leaving it and told her I'd get them filled, but ugh. It was all just such a fucking mess.

Walking out, she says
    "I'm only pushing because I care, you know."
    "I know."

I tried to get an appointment with the dietician later that day, but she was booked out. I was just a wreck and needed to talk to someone and have it not end in disaster. Instead I sat in the car in the garage with my pipe and cried until I fell asleep.

This morning I got my bloods done, saw the dietician. It was so good to just talk to her about all the crap from the GP appointment after holding it in all week. She seems to agree that hospital is not the ideal situation given my emotional state. I told her it seemed a bit over the top. She's much more relaxed and less panicky about this stuff than the GP.

She does want me to think about starting regular weigh-ins again, but only every six weeks to start with. She suggested blind weighs, just so there's a number on the computer for the GP, and I just keep going by the Wii. I don't know. I'm still kinda bitter when it comes to the scales. Not getting weighed is more of a 'fuck you' than trying to hide anything.

As far as leaving the house goes... yeah, no. After this week, I feel less able to than I have in a long time, if ever. I don't have the energy to get into it right now, but things are not good. I just want to block everything out and have everyone leave me alone (not you guys - don't worry <3).



  1. Bella
    I wish more than ever I could be there for you
    I worry for you
    You are too precious
    And I hate what this illness is doing to you
    But I firmly believe that no one can do this for us
    We will get well when we feel ready
    And not a moment before that

    I just want you to know that I am not giving up hope on you
    And never will
    I can see beyond the diagnosis
    To the amazing young woman that you are
    Funny ( And you know I love a good sense of humour!)

    Just don't let go Bells
    Hold on just a little bit longer

    Love you as always x

  2. Like Ruby says, I hate what this illness is doing to you. I wish people would take the time to really get to know you and your needs so that they could act accordingly rather than simply panic and say you need a hospital admission. I've been there, done that, got the tee-shirt, as they say. It is not in the least helpful, so I can imagine how you are feeling. I hope things start to pick up for you soon, and you never know, this new antidepressant you're going to start taking might be the pill of dreams! I'm hoping and praying that things slowly and surely start to pick up for you in the very near future. Thinking of you lots and lots, sending big gentle hugs to you xoxoxo

  3. I'm so sorry for what you're going through dear. I hope you don't have to go inpatient. I hope the antidepressant works well for you and the side effects aren't bad. Hope everything gets better love, take care darling <3


  4. i read Christine's comment and read IP and immediately said OH HELL NO WHAT IS THIS POST ABOUT EXACTLY

    "I saw my GP last week. Everything is such a mess right now, it's not even funny." oh dear God this is not a good post mayday mayday

    dear God this is not a good start to the post my heart is sinking in my chest i love you Bella

    oh wow that's a low bp/high pulse. yikes. i have a naturally low bp but mine was never this low normally. oh dear, i hope you're alright. funny thing: i do know multiple Asians that have bp's this low normally.

    "She said she's worried my condition has deteriorated over the past few months, and dependant on my bloods, may need a 'short admission' for refeeding." WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT IS GOING ON

    Gosh, it actually makes me sad that you lost any weight at all since you are so underweight. but honestly i'm just glad you're in one piece 100% of the time that your weight doesn't matter to me at all.

    honestly my eyes just bulged out of my sockets - 'refeeding' dear God

    honestly i'm half avoiding the idea of the MHN i just can't be arsed with her but that's just me. i honestly am so done with her mentally i couldn't... i wouldn't go back to the MHN especially after the nasty spat she's said before.

    i'm glad that you're going off Gabapentin. i'm glad you're off more so useless pills that don't do shit.

    i'm so sorry that you weren't able to leave the house this week but honestly, its understandable with the amount of shit thrown at you, love.

    i hope i didn't say anything offensive. i half have been writing these comments in the weirdest state so i don't know what i've written or whatever. rereading does me nothing. it just makes me feel like i've written something wrong. hope i haven't.

    -Sam Lupin

  5. comment reply:

    also i agree with everything Ruby said. i just read her comment. it phrased my words about you very well.

    in another note because i'm so obsessed with you and sometimes you comment on a blog before me/after me, i read the comment like it was meant for me bad Sam. i read the comment you left on CP for the breadless Nutella. God, you're my favourite.

    there's this Nutella and go thing i have in my cupboards and i love the Nutella part dislike the crispy sticks that i'm supposed to dip the Nutella in. for some reason, when i'm talking about Yan Yan, it's okay but with Nutella it's not?

    i love writing food reviews. absolutely adore them.

    i always laugh when i think about how much you hate Ben and Jerry's and here am i pretty much just living off it. you didn't send Ben and Jerry's to me in the mail did you? gosh, if you could though...i'd demand that maple one. probably #2 reason for going to Australia ever (#1 would be seeing you but God, i think we'd be very awkward and anxious around each other in real life because i'm awkward and anxious around people unless i know them very well).

    "Also, what's a marshmallow swirl? Was it solid, or like marshmallow fluff?" like fluff but less sticky. it melts right in. and i can rarely - if ever - taste it unless there's a huge gob of it in a chocolate-based ice-cream.

    God, that little tidbit about the UK being most expensive to ship made me laugh so hard. Gosh, i will gladly await your parcel.

    i love you so so much.

    Gosh though i feel like i offended you somehow in the comments this time. hopefully i didn't but if i did, please know that it wasn't intentional. i love you so so so much (yes i'll say it again).

    -Sam Lupin