Sunday, 2 August 2015

The Weighing Game

When I saw the dietician last week, she asked me to have a think about starting 6-weekly weigh-ins, mostly with the goal of keeping my GP happy, and what I would like her to say, if anything.

I've put a lot of thought into it, and depending on the day and my mood, I'm going for one of two situations:

  • A) she weighs me blind, says nothing, puts the number in the computer to keep the GP happy, and I just keep going off my Wii Weights,
  • B) she still blind weighs me, but tells me exactly how much I've lost since she last weighed me.
  • I weighed in on the Wii Fit that morning, so theoretically I know I've lost X.Xkg since then, so this would be out of sheer curiousity.

Either way, I'm not in a place right now where knowing my exact weight would be helpful in any way (not that clothed/coffee-d/awake for 4+ hours will be 100% accurate anyway). I know it's probably confusing and seemingly pointless, but weighing in on the Wii (...even less accurate) and just being able to tell the different from 1/3/6 months ago is enough for now.

I don't know about the 6-weekly thing though, or if I should just leave it until my GP really pushes again.

I don't want to get into it too much, but I said I'd explain why the outing didn't (and isn't about to) happen.

I think things have reached a point where I don't feel comfortable going out at all, even in safe and rare situations like the past few years.

And I think I've realised that I now need more/different support for leaving the house than mum can provide. It was fine for a while, but when I think about it, the last few outings (including the overnight trip earlier this year) have ended in tragedy. She ends up getting frustrated and I'm left alone to deal with the stress, and I cannot cope with that right now.

For the first time ever, I feel like any ventures out would have to be professionally guided. I just feel so lost and scared and stuck. I don't know where to even start. I do want to try to get out to visit my Great Aunt & Uncle soon, which is easier than going out in public, but with my Uncle's health, I need to wait for my chest to clear up first.

I don't want to use the word 'low', but it feels like another step. I've written before about how agoraphobia isn't black & white, and has progressed alongside other anxieties for the majority of my life. Even in the last few years, there have been big steps.
At the start of 2013, I stopped going to the supermarket, my last safe place.
Last year, I made it out a total of nine times in twelve months.
This year, I'm losing my sporadic outings and my safety in the car.

Shortly after I posted a few days ago, I got a call from my GP. I panicked, unable to talk on the phone, worried about what she was going to say to mum. Mum went to hand me the phone, and I reached out to get it, but hesitated, freaked out, and was overcome with an urge to hang up or throw the phone into the garden.

She took it back and put it on speaker. I could never do phone calls.

My GP had my bloods back from that morning, and apparently they indicate an infection. She asked if I've been feeling chesty, which is always a yes, but especially with the depression and staying outside of a night at all hours to smoke, I thought it'd been building these past few weeks.

She wanted me to start antibiotics straight away because it can escalate quickly. Thankfully she always has me keep an extra box in the house just in case. But I've been feeling pretty physically crappy and haven't wanted to do much more than lie on the couch, so excuse my severe lack of things to write about.

Spotted on a drive a few weeks ago. 
I saw the dragon's head while coming over a bridge, so we went for a mosey to investigate. 
(photo taken through the car window - don't get too excited)



  1. Bella
    Dear Bella
    Something occurred to me while reading this post
    I'm presuming you are still smoking the bad stuff
    And I'm wondering if that is contributing to your anxiety and fear
    I don't know if you are still smoking synthetics
    As I feel they do a lot more harm than the natural stuff
    But we know that any of these substances can contribute to mental health issues
    Do your professionals know that you smoke?
    Would you consider talking to someone about it?
    I know you probably feel that it helps you?
    But I am starting to wonder if it's not hindering you
    It's just a thought
    And maybe you don't feel able to tackle this right now
    But maybe think about it
    And let me know what you think

    As ever sweetie
    This was all written out of love and concern for you and you health x

  2. hmm. not sure how i feel about either two situations. all the recovery accounts i know would be like: B!! is like feeding ED!!! but hey, i know you well enough, love. i'm just hoping that the GP is appeased and is off your back and you don't end up being 'forcefed' (was that the word she used? what the fuck?).

    i genuinely believe if you want to recover, you can, but if you're not in the mindset, then all of Olympus can rise and fall in the same day and you wouldn't change your mind. besides, you have to use whatever energy you have to fight those bad feelings (and that's okay).

    not sure how accurate/inaccurate Wii is. i do know that i'm glad that you aren't into that 'knowing your exact weight' thing. i think there's no need for it right now.

    "I don't want to get into it too much, but I said I'd explain why the outing didn't (and isn't about to) happen." i will tell you what i genuinely think when i hear this: you don't need to justify yourself for anything or anyone. you are going through such a tough time and i'm glad that you're even considering an outing. i'm hoping that you're able to do the next one you do plan. you are very special, Bella. and i love you to bits and pieces.

    "For the first time ever, I feel like any ventures out would have to be professionally guided." i'm sad to hear this, but honestly, i've been here reading all those past few outings and i can see where you're at. i can understand why. i just am sad that it's come to this.

    aye. phone calls are terrifying for a good set of the public, so imagining someone with any kind of mental illness with a phone is just...

    it took me two years of recovery to even feel comfortable with a phone. nowadays, i'm more and more 'normal'-ish so i'm glad for that. i'd even answer the phone in the lavatory and have multiple times.

    "But I've been feeling pretty physically crappy and haven't wanted to do much more than lie on the couch, so excuse my severe lack of things to write about." you don't have to tell us this, my love. it's fine. if you don't have anything to write about, you can write anything you want. this is your blog. and we chose to read it

    that photo made me smile. you make me smile.

    and of course, you know the drill - anything i say isn't meant to be offensive and i hope i didn't offend you in any way. i love you dearly, and only wish good things for you. (i will continue to write this because better safe than sorry!)


    -Sam Lupin

  3. comment reply:

    i think i reread your comment a few times. maybe even cried once. i definitely felt my tears well up first time i read it and didn't even know half the things you were saying. Gosh.

    "Just because you didn't score the right percentage on the right day" that is a very carefully worded statement... God, i love you.

    "Its just a road bump. I'd still let you cut me open." this one made me smile.

    Gosh, i might have to ban you from my blog because you say the things to get to me and i just sit here and go like: what a perfect human being. dear God, what a perfect human being.

    it's funny how you said the right things that got to me in the right ways it's just

    "Really. I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I hate knowing you're beating yourself up so much :(" it's fine, love. this, too, shall pass. i think that i'll feel a bit better when i get the exam out of the way and get the green light to register for the new year. a friend did tell me that the system is practically made for me to fail (she doesn't know anyone that hasn't failed at least once apparently! and she's the kind of person that knows everyone).

    "And you know what? Even if you failed the medical modules, even if you didn't get into medical school to start with, even if you were a high school drop-out, you would still be the same precious Sam, I would still love you just as much, and the world would still be a darker place without you."
    God, this is perfect. if i could, i'd have it tattooed on my belly (strategy 3343252 for self-love obviously).

    Gosh, that parcel. (yes, i said Gosh a lot it even lost its meaning).

    well, i still didn't decide on my birthday gift, so that's okay. it's better than my birthday gift to you of (air). i'm keeping my fingers crossed. i love packages so i cannot wait to see what you've packed for me.

    i'm not planning on going anywhere. i still haven't eaten all the Ben and Jerry's to ever exist yet! <- valid reason for staying alive.

    you got to a comment reply before i did? jealous.

    oh my God i know those little Nutella things because they were a part of my childhood. they sell them in generic coldstores here. i always ate it in the same way too - you know i scraped the "jar" contents and then i ate the part where the "lid" was and oh my god i loved it because the spoon is just made for scraping the lid.

    and because i was a kid, i had the habit of licking afterwards to get more out of it omg socially acceptable at that age too

    "This would be 100% true. Meeting up with internet friends is usually the most awkward thing ever and it'd be easier to get out your phones and text while sitting next to each other." aye. it doesn't help i'm usually the one that sits back and listens to the conversation. and laugh when appropriate.

    "You didn't offend me. Silly bean." bean? not a bean stalk? is it because i'm short?

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. i love you sooooooooo much.

  4. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time hon. I have severe social anxiety and I think the way I feel about interacting with people is the way you feel about going out. I hope it gets better for you though. Don't let yourself be dominated by your illnesses. <3

  5. In my home town the disability centre offers personal support for things like going to a café, going shopping, or just getting outside for a walk or a drive. I don't know how things work in Australia, but perhaps that could take some strain away vis-a-vis the situation with your mother?

    I wish I had a solution, because I hate seeing you this low. You are such a wonderful person and you deserve to have a wonderful life.

  6. Sorry that things are still so bad for you lovely. I think I can relate because my agoraphobia is worse than ever. I have an appointment with a support worker this week - the plan is to start slowly getting me at least out of the house. Can you get access to a support worker? It might help?

    I hope your chest feels better soon and that your infection clears up. Is it the smoking that causes it or is it the anorexia leaving you with a poor immune system? Anyhow, I just hope you're on the mend soon and able to do more things.

    Sending you gentle hugs xoxoxox