Sunday, 16 August 2015

Winter Blues

Thank you all for your comments and support on my last few posts. The past week has been really difficult for a multitude of reasons, and words are hard to find so you'll have to bear with me.

On Thursday I saw my GP. When I sat down, she kind of looked at me funnily, then said,
    "Have you always had your lip pierced?"
It actually made me laugh. I've been seeing her for three years, and I didn't think it was that subtle.

I didn't talk to her about seeing the one who hurt me. I couldn't even bring myself to tell her I'd gone out to dinner. I haven't even really talked to mum about it, and I only briefly spoke to the dietician. I'm having enough trouble even writing about it in my journal.

We talked for a while about my concerns with SNRIs and my history with SSRIs and all of that fun stuff. I've been on the Duloxetine/Cymbalta for a little over a week now. Still a low dose, but no side effects (or any effects) to speak of. But there wasn't really much that Google and you guys hadn't covered. I told her about my lovely friend in Bahrain who's studying medicine and really helped clear things up. I think my initial fear was that they'd be a bigger, badder version of an SSRI, but that doesn't seem to true at all.

Like I wrote last week, I'm feeling kind of okay with this one from all the information I've read, which is a rarity for me. I even put off reading about it for weeks because looking up new antidepreants usually results in breakdowns and millions of worries and apprehension. She said if I haven't read anything concerning (and was surprised I hadn't), she doubts there's much more she needs to tell me. When I see her next month, I'll start on the full dose.

She mentioned that my old Mental Health Nurse, the one who I lost at the start of the year, had found a new job. At first I said nothing but then I realised that after so long, it's probably now or never.
    "Do you think I could maybe still see her again to say goodbye, with you or even just the dietician there? I just can't do it alone."

She's going away for a couple of weeks, but when she gets back she's going to call her and sort it out. Hopefully, it'll be a positive. Even though she said a few shitty things, for the most part she was good. The only reason I'm so bitter was because our last appointment ended terribly, and she was going to call to arrange a time to say goodbye properly after her holidays, but never did.

    "And I still don't know what to do about the new MHN..."
    "Well, I was going to give you a break from that until next time, but I thought I made it pretty clear you need to get back to see her."
    "I know. I just don't know how to. I really don't want to talk about what she said, because it's already ingrained in my head ("MUM'S TIRED OF YOU!"),  I can't hear it any more. I just don't know how to face her. I'm scared to go by myself, and mum's always been there, but now she just says I'm on my own."

She was going to talk to the dietician and try to come up with a plan of action. So I'm going to talk to her about it on Tuesday, and we'll reassess in a month.

She asked if I'd spoken to the dietician about weighing, and I explained she was cutting me some slack until the chest infection cleared up. Which given I'm now on steroids, which always have a chance of fucking with your weight, may not be such a bad thing. My GP, loving deadlines as she does, tapped into my notes that I have one month to get on the scales.

I'm on a third course of antibiotics for my chest, and have started on two weeks of prednisolone. Oh, and because of all the antibiotics, I have oral thrush and tonsil stone, which explains the sore mouth after throwing up last weekend. I ended up being sick for a couple of days after. I'm not sure if it was my stomach not coping with the strange food or the anxiety or both, but it seems to've passed now.

To top things off, last week a downpour of rain swept on to the back porch overnight. When I woke up, the bottom 6" of my electric blanket was soaked. I panicked, dried it off with paper towels, and it worked okay for a while, then slowly but surely died over the next few days.

Since then, I've been using a hot water bottle while waiting on a new electric blanket. It's been clasped to me pretty much 24/7, layered between camisole and cardigan, the belt and wrap on my dressing gown helping to hold it up.

As weird as it might sound, it's actually been fucking with my body image (which I normally consider to be relatively sound). Carrying it around all the time, having to reach over it, makes me feel bulky, two extra kilograms sloshing around, like the extra mass around my middle is actually a part of me.



  1. An old college friend used to sit next to me in psychology on my right side. I'd had my right eyebrow pierced for months and she only noticed it when I swapped the bar for a clear plastic 'work' bar.

    I'm sure you'll be able to bring it up with the right person at the right time.

    Fingers crossed that the meeting with old MHN goes okay for you.

    Hugs for all the steroids and antibiotics. I hope you're off them soon. Steroids fucking suck; I was given them at 15 and I noticed a weight difference after a week AND they didn't do what they were supposed to be doing.

    I understand the hot water bottle thing. I usually tuck it into my waistband and it makes me feel as though the extra weight is just strapped onto my stomach like the fake pregnancy bellies. It FEELS like I'm wearing one of them too. At least you have a new blanket on the way. :)

    I hope you're feeling a little better soon <3

  2. I hope you begin to feel less poorly soon lovely Bella. I hope it all clears up really quickly for you and that you're right as reign again in no time!

    I do that with my hot water bottle - use my dressing gown to hold it up! Yay I'm not the only one who has an extra hot water bottle belly! I know what you mean!!!!

    Sending loads of love to you! xoxoxo

  3. Dearest starshine starsister who I adore. I wish I could make your body heal faster so that the antibiotic and steroids could stop, I can't imagine the combination but I know when I had to have 16 antibiotic tablets a day I was burping up antibiotic and that alone was horrendous. I hope the gp and the dietician can come up with a plan, both for seeing old MHN and the new one who sounds very unsympathetic. Please let me know if they think something up? Or if I can help in some other way, in any way whatsoever. I'm scared Bella and you mean lot to me, I really do think of you as someone very special to me and knowing you are my friend makes me feel lucky :) I just wish I could do more and that the ocean between us wasn't so vast. All my love and glitter hugs xxxxxxxxx

  4. Dear Bella

    Your mum loves you and will love you forever but of course she would rather see you well. That's just what mum's are like.

    If she did not want you to be well, she would not be a good parent. It would be very unhealthy. Isabelle Caro had a codependant r/ship with her mum and that was no good at all.

    Maybe the professionals aren't wording it properly and it is affronting. Maybe "Mum's stressed out" might be better than "mum's tired of you"

    I think you should ask the MHN to clarify.

    I wonder if the fact that it upsets you so much means you should talk about it. I know it's hard. I'm wondering if you should write it down. "I don't like it when you said 'x' and it makes me feel 'y'. It might be important to your recovery. Unspoken issues can be very important.

    I can definitely see though, that these health professionals don't have much in the way of bedside manner!!. However you just need to get what it is you need out of them. You don't have to like them. But it would be nice.

    Re Tonsil Stone. That is not a nice thing to have. Have they told you to gargle? If it's not too big I think gargling salty water helps. Also fizzy drink! I know you drink plenty of that. It can actually stop them forming, so it's unlucky you got it.

    I have a friend who took cymbalta for a while and he got through a tough time. He credits the drug.

    I think though you will have to do your mindfullness techniques to help with breaking bad habits, like intrusive thoughts and rumination as well. And that's where the MHN comes in....unfortunately (!)

    Thinking of you,

    Xoxo Shelby

  5. I never dare to read about my medications, because then I would get all the side effects. I just gobble down my pills like a good little girl when my doctor tells me to.

  6. "Have you always had your lip pierced?" <--i would laugh but i just ate so much so i shouldn't. omg.

    honestly, it is disconcerting that that person came up in one of the few times you were out. what the fuck man? though for hurting you, i would like to harm that person best as possible. :)

    "I told her about my lovely friend in Bahrain who's studying medicine and really helped clear things up" dear God, you should see the smile on my face. I LOVE YOU BELLA.

    i'm with Shelby on what she said regarding the whole mum thing. no mother wants to see her child suffer. how could they? you've been in pain for so long, honestly. even if mum's reaction is justifiable, i'm sad that she isn't putting up with the appointments as much anymore. you deserve all the support that you can get, of course, of course. you're a wonderful human being and just the thought of you smiling makes a bad day turn all good and mushy.

    ew on the antibiotics and prednisolone. funny thing - they were giving a young infant here like 3 different types of steroids for a cough??? steroids for an infant? why the fuck?

    "As weird as it might sound, it's actually been fucking with my body image (which I normally consider to be relatively sound). Carrying it around all the time, having to reach over it, makes me feel bulky, two extra kilograms sloshing around, like the extra mass around my middle is actually a part of me." doesn't sound weird but you know it's untrue. i hope you gets yourself a new electric blanket soon (which i've never heard of but then again, with a country that is nearly warm year round it's not needed?)

    in our 'winters', i do have a heater in my room. i cannot cannot stand the cold. i'd rather melt than freeze.

    oh, oh, i hope i didn't say anything offensive. legit had one of those panicky dreams where i really offended someone for some reason (?) and now, i'm just like: fuck, don't say anything. you'll offend everyone. so just in case...the usual disclaimer shall remain. <3

    -Sam Lupin

  7. comment reply:

    "Oh, Sam *facepalms*
    I hope you become a lecturer one day. Seriously."

    omg you think??? i'd love to be a lecturer. though nobody would take me seriously if i ever make that joke.

    gosh that dream you had made me laugh so hard goooooshhh

    -Sam Lupin