Sunday, 23 August 2015

Survival (and precious little else)

It's kinda funny (read: not funny at all) how the smallest circumstance can be the biggest trigger.

I've been really thrown for a loop since the dinner incident a couple of weeks back.

I feel afraid. I've realised that I've become one of those people who legitimately believe horrific things will happen if I leave the house. Just because I survived last time, does not mean I'll survive again. I feel like all I can do is hide away, and die before it can get me.

Last week, mum asked if I'd feel up to going for a walk in The You Yangs, which has been one of my few 'safe' destinations in recent years. I've never shot down an outing so quickly. It wasn't even an option. What if I go and he's there? The only escape would be off the mountain face.

Even the car has me filled with dread. It's no longer a safe bubble separating me from the big, bad world. My eyes scan every car, every pedestrian... Going for drives has been such a big part of getting through each day, but now it's down to once a week.

I know the sudden fear probably seems ridiculous. Part of me actually thought that I'd never see him again, that he'd moved away. The last time I saw him would have been five years ago.

On Wednesday, I had a major day-long breakdown. I didn't just self-harm, I beat myself up, and feel like I've been hit by a car. My feet, legs, chest, arms and face/head are covered in bruises and open wounds, complete with black eye. Now I just want to wrap myself in cotton wool. Even my chest hurts because I kept frantically running around the house trying to escape myself.

It was the most I've spoken since it happened. But talking just hurts more. There's nothing I, or anyone else, can say to make things better. Everything hurts. It physically hurts. What are you supposed to do when all you can do is cry and scream?

I saw the dietician on Tuesday. No clue what we talked about, except for setting a weigh-in deadline (for a month, so the 15th September). I'm not even sure if I'm going to be seeing her this week, because I've reached the limit on insurance and now it's all out of pocket. Ugh. I don't even want to think about any of it right now.

I'm just focusing on getting through each day, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time. I'm trying to focus on sewing or reading ED books or gaming to keep my head distracted. And it helps. Until I stop, and have to think again.

Sorry for such an all-over-the-shop post. Gold stars to anyone who reads this far. You guys have been seriously amazing. I know I've said it a million times, but I would be so very lost without this little community.


On a brighter note, the other day, I spent some time distracting myself looking through my 'Glory Box' (I think you guys might call them 'Hope Chests'). Essentially, I have pretty much everything I need to set up a household, which was purchased while planning to move out with my ex a few years back. Kinda depressing, kinda fun. Sometimes I look through and find little bits and pieces that make their way to the kitchen, or even spare appliances when ours' break.

Last week, I went hunting for the first apron I ever made. It's the same pattern I used for the Christmas Aprons, but I made this about 6 years ago. There's two little ravens appliquéd on the pocket. It's not the best quality and I need to make more, but I love this one as much as ever.

The camisole: my current sewing projects

Bonus: I also found a spare set of kitchen scales! They're the same brand and capacity as the ones I normally use, but these new ones are slimline, so they're going to be my travel/hospital scales. When I bought them, I was still measuring food by volume, so I had no idea they were there.

...unfortunately, it's my little 0.01g scales that currently need replacing.



  1. Sweet Bella
    It seriously hurts me that you are hurting so much
    I hate that you are taking it out on yourself
    Please chicken
    Don't hurt yourself
    I'm not entirely sure who 'He' is
    But I can make an educated guess
    If you want to email me to talk/write
    You I am always here

    You deserve more than just to hang in there
    So I won't say that
    But at this tough time
    Be gentle with yourself
    Go easy on yourself
    Stay warm and comfortable
    Do the things that ease the pain and anxiety
    Talk if you can
    Don't carry this burden alone

    You are one of the special ones Bells
    Don't ever forget that

    Love ya x

  2. "I've realised that I've become one of those people who legitimately believe horrific things will happen if I leave the house." honestly, i don't blame you. i am deadpanned. what are the chances that you'd come across a huge arse trigger on the one very seldom nights when you're out? and yet you did. God, if that ever happened to me, even i'd be frightened as hell to leave the house. it's understandable, love.

    "What if I go and he's there? The only escape would be off the mountain face." like Ruby said - reading this just makes my heart hurt. fuck him. i hate what he's done to you. like Ruby, i can make an educated guess as to who 'he' is. either way, it doesn't matter what he did as much it how it's effecting you. and it IS effecting you. bad. and i'm sorry that you had to see him that day. what are the fucking chances really

    "I know the sudden fear probably seems ridiculous. Part of me actually thought that I'd never see him again, that he'd moved away. The last time I saw him would have been five years ago." it is not ridiculous. honey, it's understandable. do not be too hard on yourself about it. you don't have to justify anything. you don't have to force yourself to do anything that you can't do. right now, you are in a compromising situation.

    nooooo, Bella, you musn't hurt yourself. don't hurt yourself, love. you didn't do anything wrong. so why would you harm yourself?

    "What are you supposed to do when all you can do is cry and scream?" nothing, love. nothing at all. you don't do anything and you don't HAVE to do anything. you mustn't force yourself to do a thing if you don't feel up to it.

    you don't have to think either. you don't have to. distract yourself at all times, and only go to bed when you are so wrecked you can't think anymore (this is my survival strategy when i know that the nightly thoughts are going to get to me/end up with me having terrible nightmares for no fucking reason).

    i have to look that up. "a chest containing household linen and clothing stored by a woman in preparation for her marriage." this is a thing?

    omg i cannot deal with the ravens they make me happy

    i cannot deal with the idea of a 0,01g scale. man, sounds like something out of a fantasy for me. hmmm.

    you're amazing, lovely. listen to Ruby, or to me. or to anyone. you don't need to force yourself to do anything. do anything that makes it easier, and avoid anything that makes it harder.

    -Sam Lupin

  3. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you and I too want to wrap you u[ in cotton wool and put you in my pocket and carry you around on my wanderings or in your lounge. You've really come to mean so much to me over the years I've known you now, and I really wish there was something I could do that could easy some, any, even a tiny part of this extreme pain you're going through. I love you so much, you have become a little piece of my heart and I can't imagine ever having not known you. Plunge headfirst into books and films and gaming for the moment, if that's all you can manage, that's plenty enough to manage when existing itself becomes such a heavy weight task. I'll send you anything I can that will help if I can, or photo pages of the books I have, anything Bella, literally anything. Hug hazel and boo and know I am hugging you through them. I love you so much, and want you to message me whenever you feel able to if it helps. You are a bright light in a dark world, and I cling to your light and your kindness, so if any light comes from any of the things we can do to help, let us know. I'd fly around the world if I were allowed just to knock at your door and give you a hug and sit with you all month just on the sofa with boxsets and talk. I really mean that. Sincerely. I love you xxxx

  4. The sudden fear doesn't seem ridiculous given that the chances of you seeing him were low and unfortunately you did. If I were terrified of leaving the house because of seeing someone and then saw them on one of the rare times I did, I would probably never want to leave it ever again. It's not ridiculous and I'm so sorry that happened. I wish I could make it unhappen for you because you didn't deserve that.

    You should wrap yourself in cotton wool; you deserve to try to look after yourself, even a little.

    Love you <3 xxx

    (Fully aware I owe you like a month of comment replies! Getting on that in a minute)

  5. I'm so sorry that you're going through a hard time, love :(
    And, no, it doesn't seem ridiculous. Being afraid is a natural feeling. Give it time, okay? Maybe it will go with time, dear.
    Oh, dear...I'm sorry you hurt yourself. I hope it will hurt less.
    Shh, don't think about it, then. Just don't think about it. Distract yourself.
    And don't apologize for anything.
    I have a box but I never thought of calling it anything. I suppose it's a bit like the reverse of a Glory Box, I keep my happiest memories and stuff there. A Glory Box sounds nice.
    I'm always amazed by your sewing. It's so detailed and precise!
    That's a lot of scales! When I cook I just estimate and toss everything in and hope for the best :P usually turns out okay, or edible.
    I really hope you feel better. And like Sammy said, don't force yourself to do anything <3


  6. I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time with everything at the moment cherub. Try to go easy on yourself. Thinking of you.

    Much love

  7. Soo so sorry that you're going through such a hard time. I am always here for you if you ever want to email or message me or anything. I know what you mean about how impossible it is to talk, but sometimes it does help to let it out by writing rather than speaking. No pressure. I just want you to know I'm here. Love you always xoxox

  8. I'm sorry things aren't going well. Don't let this person spoil your life. It's something I truly believe you will have to tell someone about like the dreaded MHN even if you just scrawl a sentence.

    I'm so glad you've got your sewing outlet. I can see it brings you peace in a tough time.

    I pray this time next week you'll be feeling better. This is very concerning.

    Have you been taking the Cymbalta? ? Could it be just the settling in of the drug?
    I hope it's not making you worse or anything?!
    I hope your next GP appointment is soon. She needs to know about this episode. You may feel it's the outing but she may see it as the Cymbalta isn't going well.

    Shelby xoxo

  9. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. I wish there was something I could do/ say that would help. It's horrible how thoughts and feelings control us so much, and our heads can be our own worst enemies.

    Thinking of you


    By the way, that apron is awesome! Wish I could make something that cool!

  10. You are so incredibly talented at sewing. Seriously.

    I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. <3 Keeping you in thoughts and prayers. xoxoxoxo

  11. Fear is such a powerful emotion. Fear of fear is worse, when you start making up scenarios. But how do we stop that? I wish I had the answer.

    I hope you will find some calm.

  12. i'm here for you, im probably not much use x