Tuesday, 11 August 2015

An Unexpected Outing

On Saturday I ended up going out *gasp* to have dinner with my mum, brother, and his girlfriend. There was a big (by my definition, anyway) multi-family get-together on this weekend, which was far more than I can cope with right now, so we ended up doing a small dinner to catch up. Since both getting out of the house and having people in the house is so hard for me at the moment, this was the first time I'd seen her since we all went to Warrnambool for my birthday.

I spent most of the afternoon getting ready, I was so nervous. It was the first time I've worn make-up and proper clothes in months.

I wanted to leave early so we'd have time to go around the block looking for the closest car park. Unfortunately, it was still 100-200m away from the restaurant. It's further into town than I've been for years, and getting from car to restaurant was the hardest hundred meters I've ever walked.

We went out for Japanese. The funny thing is, none of us eat sushi and barely any seafood, but we all enjoy sharing the appetizers and meats and whatnot.
We got there fairly early, around 6, in hopes of beating the crowds, but it was still really busy for the first hour.

It took them forever to take our order, and it was 40 minutes before I even got my wine, which didn't particularly help. They didn't have the bottle I ordered, but didn't bother to say anything until the food started arriving. I nearly cheered once she found a Shiraz.

We ordered pork gyoza (dumplings), vegetable and seafood harumaki (spring rolls), yakitori (chicken skewers), tatsua age (fried chicken), tori no teriyaki (chicken) and gyu no teriyaki (eye fillet). We ate everything - plus four bowls of rice - except for four of the spring rolls. I ended up having one dumpling, one vegetable spring roll, a small piece of tatsua age, and some teriyaki beef with rice.

Not long after we got home, I ended up getting really sick. I'm honestly not sure why. I haven't had a drink in a couple of months, so I got pretty tipsy on just the half bottle, but I didn't think it'd make me puke. No one else got sick, so I don't think it was the food, and even though it was more than normal I didn't eat that much.

In either case, I woke up the next morning 0.7kg lighter. I nearly threw up again the next morning, and spent most of the day on the couch. The roof of my mouth is still hurting today. On top of my chest infection, I just feel sick and sweaty and yuck.

I don't know how to talk about it, but I ended up seeing my biggest trigger while we were out. The main reason I don't leave the house. I've just been feeling frozen since. I tried talking to the dietician about it this morning, but it was near impossible to get the words out. She knows who I saw. She said she was worried by how quiet and flat I was, but I just felt guilty for wasting her time. She even asked if there was anything at all I wanted to talk about, just to get it out, and I just said "I don't know".

Even when I do get out, it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress. I don't get more comfortable with it, and if anything, each outing makes me want to go out less. It's one step forward, two steps back. Maybe this is where professional support comes in. But still, my confidence is shot after this weekend.

And thank you all for your input on Duloxetine/SNRIs in general. It's really good to get input and opinions from people I know, people who've taken it, and not just from Google and my GP. Despite the initial worry, I think I'm actually more comfortable with this than some of the other antidepressants I've been trialled on in the past few years. Surely that's a good sign? I'm seeing my GP this Thursday, so I'm going to talk to her about my worried with SSRIs vs SNRIs (although Dr Sammy's comment was amazingly helpful).

On the bright side - pictures! Apologies for the spam, but this is only like the second time all year my ugly mug's looked presentable.

Gyu No Teriyaki
Tori No Teriyaki
Aaaaand, the next morning...



  1. Bella I absolutely adore you, and if you want to speak to me about who you saw, I'm more than willing to read and hear, but there is absolutely no pressure and I just want you to know that I am here for you and always will be, I'll catch up on the rest of your posts I promise, and I'm sorry for not being a better friend to you, you are amazing to me and I adore you so much. I love the photos, I love photos of food I can't help it, it does look really yummy. You are such a special person to me and please never forget that at all. I'm here for you, and if I can help, I really want to be able to. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. p.s
    that has more of my actually day-to-day comments on it than blogger xxx

  3. Awww yayyy Bella, I am SO proud of you! Isn't it funny how we both got out of the house in the same week after both struggling for so long! I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you're not making progress when you go out but it feels like you want to go out even less. I completely get that. It's frustrating because you feel you ought to feel better about the whole thing? That's me anyway, and everyone tells you it gets easier the more you do it, but I don't believe that any more. Not from my experience anyway!

    I'm so sorry you got sick :( I hope you still don't feel poorly after it? Maybe it was the wine if you haven't drunk for a while? Anyway, I hope you're better now.

    I'm still smiling with being so super proud of you, even though you saw someone you didn't want to see, and it has knocked you, you still did it and you still told us about it, and I couldn't be prouder of you. Stuff who you saw, you have every right to go out wherever you want to. You can put your life on hold because of someone else...but I know that's easier said than done, and it's hypocritical of me to say that!

    Sending you big hugs from across the sea! Take care lovely xoxox

  4. You look lovely!! Even with your sick/hangover face. ;)

    You might have gotten sick because the food was richer than what your body is currently used to? Even now after eating sort of normal for the last couple years, I still get an upset stomach if I eat something really rich. But YAY I'm so happy you had a nice night out!!

  5. You look beautiful. I love your hair; it's gotten so long! I'm so jealous as that's the length I want mine to be. And I love your outfit. I'm obsessing over the first photo- it's just, WOW. And you still look super cute in the morning after pic.

    I had this dream last night that I came to stay with you- except you lived in Melbourne, right in the city. That was a very strange dream. I brought lots of hot chocolate with me. <3 xxx

  6. "On Saturday I ended up going out *gasp* to have dinner with my mum, brother, and his girlfriend." oh my gosh, i'm happy. AND THERE ARE PICTURES IN THIS POST TOO!!!

    "It was the first time I've worn make-up and proper clothes in months." babe, i don't even know how to make-up yet

    i'm so proud of you for walking that distance to the restaurant, especially since i know that it must've been so difficult for you. especially since you've been going through so much these past few months. especially since i know that you probably weren't exaggerating when you said it was the hardest hundred meters you had to walk.

    agreed on with Mich. when your body isn't used to something, man... i could write sonnets about the things my intestines have said 'no lol' to.

    "She knows who I saw. She said she was worried by how quiet and flat I was, but I just felt guilty for wasting her time." dear God, i'm glad that it didn't completely destroy your evening. honestly, sweetheart, you mustn't feel guilty for wasting her time. i'm sure she just wants to make things better as like us. i know it won't stop you from feeling guilty.

    "(although Dr Sammy's comment was amazingly helpful)." <--LOOK IT'S ME

    as always, i am transfixed by how much colour you wear.

    Gosh, you are so beautiful. even with your sick/hangover face. i hope you're feeling much better now!!!!

    -Sam Lupin

  7. comment reply:

    "This was beautiful. Every point you made is at least slightly miraculous." thank you, my love. i'm not counting on deleting any of my posts nowadays. i'm mostly okay with what i've been posting so i don't need to delete. ^_^

    "I'm just hyper-vigilant when it sounds like you might be being a bit hard on yourself. Because you are amazing for getting to where you are today." aye, i am too hard on myself. that is true. my expectations of myself are probably not humanly possible, hence why i've been tweaking them. i think being more lenient on myself is going to be one of my biggest challenges yet. but i think i can get to that point one day. thank you for noticing.

    "it is okay to want a peaceful and non-exciting life."
    This was strangely comforting to read. I hope I can be as content as you are one day. At the moment it's all just overwhelming. <--i know, sweetheart. honestly, i think that you getting to that point of contentment is probably just as important to me as getting my medial licence at the end of this scrutiny.

    "Oh shit, that's not acceptable at 22?" so i've been told. unless you do it really fast before anyone sees.

    "OMG, this made me so happy. Writing it, I was thinking "no ones going to understand this... but SAMMY!" Gosh, i actually nearly fall of my chair every time i read this that's how happy i get what are you doing to me Bella this isn't what i wanted

    alas, i do come in pill form. it's called a glucose tablet. ;)

    -Sam Lupin

  8. Super proud of you Bella
    I know how big a deal that was
    Especially as you had a blast from the past too

    Always just an email away
    If you ever want to chat

    And you look beautiful in the photos
    I hope it felt good to get dressed up

    As ever
    Love you lots x

  9. I love Japanese food SO SO much. Gyoza are my fave.


  10. I am so proud of you, going out like that!

  11. I'm really pleased to hear about your impromptu outing! I don't really suffer from out-of-the-ordinary levels of anxiety, but in my experience with minor anxiety and people who do suffer from it, sometimes having less time to think about a decision can be good. I know that's not a hard-and-fast rule, but I'm glad you were able to get dressed up and go out and enjoy a good meal, even if some parts were challenging. I wish you could see that it's actually a big accomplishment and you should be proud, not discouraged (despite the challenges). I agree that the feelings you have about going out and about aren't normal and it's certainly where professional support SHOULD come in. I wish there was someone/some sort of therapy that could help you process your trigger. No one should be punished to spend the rest of their days locked indoors like Rapunzel because of fear.. you deserve so much more than that. I haven't given up hope that you'll find it, but I hope you find the help sooner rather than later.

    I'm in the midst of knitting a cardigan for my friend to wear at her wedding, but I'm probably going to start a little project to mail to you soon! I've had an idea cooking in my head for a while, so I just want to start it! :)

  12. I'm so happy to hear that you went out, love! :D
    And you are beautiful, as you always are.
    I didn't eat any seafood in Japan either, I just don't like it :P
    I'm sorry you got sick though :/ you probably just drank a bit much?
    I hope you feel better now <3
    Don't feel guilty. And I'm sorry you went through that. And take your time, dear.

    Take care of yourself love~

    Love and hugs xoxo,