Friday, 28 August 2015

The Surprise Scales

Shortly after I wrote my last post, I went to run myself a bath. It seemed like a sure-fire way to get through an hour or so stress-free and try to relax for a little bit.

I grabbed my incense, lighter, and a pair of fresh pajamas and fluffy socks. I ran the water, poured in some bubbles, and sat at the bench to wash my face.
It was only when I knocked over the box of tissues and bent to retrieve them that I saw them staring at me. The little white box, crack on the right side of the cover, was peeking out from beneath the vanity.

They've been hidden away for years, unused by me since last January. But suddenly, they're baaaaack!

Panic washed over me, followed by the urge to stand on them-- no, smash them-- no, throw them out the window-- no...!

Not knowing what else to do, and with mum out for the day, I picked them up by the edge, not wanting to even trigger them on with my hands, did a U-turn, walked out and knocked on my brother's door.

Situations like this can obviously leave on feeling a little speechless, and for me, tends to result in word-vomit gibberish, but it was something along the lines of:
    "I just went to have a bath and the scales were there and I haven't used them since last January and I don't know why mum's put them back and she's not home and I don't know what to do."
Thankfully he just took the scales and hid hem in his room until mum got home that night.

I broke down and called mum several times before she got to the phone. Apparently, she didn't think it would trigger me (?!?!), nor did she think about talking to me about it before just putting them back.

I sat and sooked on the kitchen floor for half an hour. Billy came to sit with me. Then I pulled myself up and sat in the half-cold bath with its flattened bubbles, still sobbing for another half hour. After that, I refilled my water bottle, got Boo, and sat in my armchair, smoking and staring into space, feeling numbed by the whole thing until mum got home.

We didn't really talk about it any more except for her saying she didn't know it would upset me, she didn't know it would trigger me. I just can't understand how the scales didn't automatically equal a trigger in her mind. It doesn't make sense to me.

Then on Tuesday, I didn't go to see the dietician. I couldn't bring myself to even cancel. Around half an hour after our appointment should have started, I got a text.

She asked if everything was okay. Normally, missed appointments mean my lungs are playing up and/or I've landed myself in hospital. I tried to explain the situation with insurance reaching the limit and having to cut back appointments, but I couldn't find words to respond when she replied.

I ended up making an appointment to see her yesterday (payday). The first/only appointment she had free was at 6:20pm - the polar opposite of our 8:10am Tuesday starts.

She called me from the waiting room, and walking to her office, put her arm around me.
    "How are you doing?"
    "Not too great."
    "I didn't think so, if you're here of a night time."

She asked what happened on Tuesday, and I explained the situation with insurance reaching the limit, and how mum usually covered part but won't this year. I told her I feel like, if mum doesn't care if I go to appointments any more, why should I care?

She said that I need to keep coming in. It meant a lot to hear her say that, that it's important. She talked about how far I've come and how I can't go backwards now.
    "Plus, I think it really helps you just to have someone you can talk to."
She said she was going to set it up with the desk so I can keep coming in each week, but every second appointment would be free.

    "No, no, you don't have to do that, it's too much."
    "No, it's my gift to you."
This is where I lost it and started tearing up.
   "You're going to get me crying soon."

I better think up one hell of a Christmas present. 

I told her about my run-in with the scales on the weekend.
    "Why would she do that?"
    "I don't know. She said she didn't know it would trigger or upset me."
    "She... what?"
    "I thought it would be obvious that scales = trigger."
It was good to get confirmation that I'm not crazy.

She asked what my thoughts on it were now, and I told her I'm planning on getting them back out soon for a 'proper' weigh-in (I've only been weighing myself on the Wii, so I don't have an accurate weight, but know I've lost Xkg since date.), I just want to make sure I'll be below a number that'd trigger self-destruction (okay, I didn't tell her that last bit). Seeing them out has just brought the issue to the forefront of my mind again.

    "Maybe that's something we can work on. I know we had our disagreements earlier this year, and I don't like weighing people much at all, but even if we can get more comfortable just talking about your weight..."

I'm starting to get a bit worried about the upcoming weigh-in, though. There's no winning - it'll either be too high for me to want to get on the scales, or too low. But as far as my team's concerned, I know I probably would've been better off sucking it up and getting on the scales when they first asked and I was a few pounds heavier.

On the way out, she asked if she could give me a hug.
    "You've got a friend in me, you know that, right?"



  1. I haven't spoken to you for a while bells. I think about you often. I just don't seem to have the right words. I wish they came to me more naturally. You have an amazing dietician bells. Honestly you know the scale dilemma that you face. You step on them once and your hooked. I used to use my wii. I was obsessed but then I bought scales after not having them for a year or so and its nightmare. You know that. I would prefer to have my dr (whoever weigh me) write the number down and not even comment. That's what I used to have. But then my team fell apart. Now I'm in constant check with my weight literally 14 times a day! Ugh. Trying to break the cycle. I agreed with my dr back in March nobody would weigh me. She asked to weigh me this week and I lost it. I suppose I need to become comfortable with it again. Or get my game back. The ecg lady asked my weight (something about a more accurate reading or some bull) and I just couldn't.

  2. I love your dietician. I'm so glad you've got her on your side. I teared up a little when she said she would do some appointments for free. OMG that woman is amazing, and she really, truly cares about you.
    I'm not sure why mum thought the scales wouldn't be a trigger- we can all confirm that you're not crazy for thinking that. I'm very proud of you for taking them to your brother though and not biting.

    <3 xx

  3. The kindness of the dietician actually made me start crying in the cafe I'm sat in reading this Bella! Can you please tell her I am really grateful that she's not giving up on my friend my starsister, I'm actually tempted to send the next package to you with a thank you car included addresses to her. You deserve so much and she is fighting your corner and I love you and please remember you have a friend in her and a sister in me. And if I could hug you from Scotland I promise I would never let you go xxxx

  4. I know you and the dietitian had a disagreement, for want of a better word, earlier this year, but things seem to have improved by a million percent and I am so pleased for you that you have her in your life. She sounds so so lovely, just the physical tough of putting her arm around you at first, then giving you a hug. It's those little things that make the biggest difference.

    I'm sorry that your mum put the scales back. You're definitely not crazy for being triggered by it or wondering why she did it. I just hope that the trigger fades fast and that you can move on from it. Lean on your dietitian for support when it comes to weighing. You know she'll be there for you.

    I am here for you too always Bella, please know that lovely. Thinking of you xxxxxx

  5. Mum probably doesn't understand, as she is, I think, very different to you.

    Also I think know she is distancing/disengaging herself from you a bit, just to coax you into Doing it for Yourself. Which is a healthy behaviour.

    Good on you for giving the dreaded scales to your bro though. That must have taken a lot

    Xbox Shelby

  6. Bella!!!! xxx

    i'm trying to think about what the white box is. i am so dense sometimes.

    oh. d'oh. scales. *looks at the title* i am ashame.

    good job for giving him the scales. i'm exceedingly proud of you for doing that. i know that honestly, i don't think i would've waited another second before stepping on them. aye. i could just imagine the anxiety... dear God.

    i think to a lot of normal people - it just slips out of their mind. i do not think that she intended to harm you as much as she literally doesn't understand how the scales are an automatic trigger. i am so sorry that you had to go through this though. i cannot imagine how down-the-drain the day must've felt after the scales incident.

    i find that triggers can still stay in my head for a week or so before i even recover from them. i hope that's not the case with you. i love you and i hate to see this.

    i just hate the thought of you crying so badly. i literally feel a pain in my chest when i read that. aw, Bella.

    my heart literally welled up in my chest when she said the whole second appointment be free thing. i never know how to feel when someone does something that. it just sounds so...but it says it all, doesn't it? that she genuinely cares for you and she genuinely wants you to get better. more people for #TeamBella.

    see. that would actually make me feel better. having someone else confirm that it is a trigger. i hope she applauded you for bringing the scale to the brother.

    i'm glad you have someone like her. i really do. i'm glad that whilst the GP + dietitian seem to be misguided sometimes that they genuinely want you to get better, and it's not just "yeah, she's another patient" thing.

    you mustn't be losing weight, Bella *gives you a motherly look*

    -Sam Lupin

    PS. i love you so so much. also, i hope i didn't offend you. i will continue to say that as long as i continue to breathe. i love you too much that if i said anything that might've harmed you, i need you to know that it wasn't intentional and i would never ever intend to harm you. you are too precious. <3

  7. aww ur dietician is the sweetest <3 & so r u dear. Thank u so much for ur comment its comforting to know someone somewhat understands how i feel <3 Great job for recognizing that the scale would be a trigger and putting it away!

  8. That's so lovely of her. Omg thank goodness. It breaks my heart that everything is always so precarious for us ED folks. And the scales thing? WTF!?! I'm sorry I've been missing in action lately. Everything has been total chaos. But I'm sick now and can hardly move so I'll have plenty of blog time. Love you very much Bella. Xoxo