Sunday, 6 September 2015


I know it's been well over a week since I last posted. I've been trying to write for the last two days, but the words aren't coming. I'm just empty.

Everything just hurts. It feels like I have no skin.

Seeing the dietician on Tuesday was, as usual, the highlight of my week. Just having someone who I can actually talk to face-to-face has been invaluable, and lately she truly has been my rock, my comfort, my lifeline.

We actually spoke a little about weight, in preparation for the upcoming weigh-in. She pulled up my history and I whipped out my phone and we made some comparisons.
Comparing weights from my first weigh-in of 2015, and the last time she weighed me in February, I had weighed 1.2kg and 1.4kg (respectively) heavier on her scales than I did that morning on the Wii Fit.

Doing the math - clothing weights, coffee, allow a variable for BMs - the Wii can't be more than 1kg off, two at the most. I'd expect to weigh at least 1kg more once I'm fully dressed with a belly full of coffee (1kg of clothing max, plus 500g coffee).
I don't want to get specific and try to guess exactly, because I know it'll only end in pain, but for now it's sated my curiosity. I know I'm down a little more than 5kg (11 lbs) this year, although some of that was the weight gained during our 'misunderstanding' last year/early this year.

But I actually looked at her screen for the first time ever, with my weekly weights on full display. Same as weighing on the Wii, I know it's not 100% accurate so it means nothing but stress to me. It's only an indication, a hint. I need to get on the proper scales soon. I'm just scared and keep wanting 'one more kilo's safety net to make sure I'm at a weight so I won't do something regrettable.

I think next Tuesday (15th) I'm going to weigh in three times. First on the Wii, then clothed-and-coffee'd just before I see the dietician, and then on her scales. How much of that 1.2kg gap will be made up during that second weigh-in...?

After I got home from seeing the dietician, my lungs hit the dirt. After a breakdown (that could've been avoided if I kept my mouth shut. It seems whenever I open my mouth, I fuck up -- talking, eating, smoking...), I was completely breathless, unable to walk more than 10 meters without descending into coughing fits. My O2sats hit 86% and my heart rate was pushing 150 (even resting, I'm 120 now).

So I was back to see the GP on Friday. Another two weeks on antibiotics, more painkillers, although it doesn't solve the problem of me struggling to take them, as some fucked up form of self-harm. If I'm stressed at med times, I have a bad habit of pick-and-mixing, taking the psychoactive drugs, leaving the pills that could potentially improve my physical health.

Today is Father's Day.
It's been nearly twenty years since we lost my dad to a brain tumour. February 29th 1996, a month before my third birthday, and a date that stings more every leap-year.
He was in my dreams last night.
I don't want to get all sappy, but seeing my friends post Father's Day tributes on Facebook today hit a nerve, so here's my social media contribution.

Happy Father's Day, dad.
I wonder how things would be different if you were still here...



  1. Bells what a lovely tribute to your father
    I have often wondered what happened to your Dad
    But didn't like to ask
    They photo of you both is just precious
    And I'm sure you treasure such photos
    I hope you don't mind me asking this
    But do you ever ask your Dad for help?
    My Mum always tells me to ask my Nana for help
    That's my mothers mother
    She died three months after I was born
    And I often ask her for help
    It's just a thought

    Thinking of you today x

  2. Hmm maybe I do see a family resemblance. You were a very cute baby.

    I'm sorry about Dad. You're life would probably be different if he were still here.

    Hope you your mum and brother are all OK today.


    Shelby xoxo

    1. I also should have said i lost a parent at a young age. Of course we'd be different if our families were different. I ponder this often. An extra parents input might have made a big difference.

      I may be better off without mine, though but it's hard to say.

      Having said all that, I believe in fate/destiny so it just may have had to be that way for whatever reason.


  3. Gah! Wrote a comment and blogger deleted it! Can't internet today!

    I didn't know about your dad, sorry to hear that. My thoughts are with your family today. You wrote a lovely tribute though. He really looks like you in that pic. Similar facial expression :)

    Sorry to hear about the shitty health stuff. I have the same trouble with taking things. Almost like I don't see the point and I don't feel I'm worth it. I hope you realise that all of us on here do value you and you are worth it :)

    All my love xxx

  4. So sorry to hear that you are ill again lovely Bella. I hope you begin to feel better soon.

    Sorry to hear about your father too, that must hurt a lot. I'm sure he has left a big hole in your heart, but know that he is up there looking down on you, protecting you.

    Sending you big gentle hugs Bells. Take care of yourself xoxo

  5. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. It's hard to lose someone. *Hugs*

  6. Sending hugs my friend. I hope you'll take your pain meds. When you take care of pain it is also taking care of your mental health. Chronic pain causes an overload of cortisol which makes fight/flight/freeze mode.

  7. Gosh, just reading the first two statements made me hurt. you know, in that way that i felt like my heart was sinking. fuck, you don't deserve this. nobody deserves this.

    oh, love, you shouldn't be losing anything at all. that makes me sad. 5kg is a lot of weight also so that just makes me feel sad. i think the thing about being at such a low weight is that it makes me wonder if anything is going to happen to you. i mention this because i really do worry. obviously, you know yourself better than i do, but i have to mention it because i truly care and i really want you to be around as much as possible.

    fuck. i hope you're okay (also, no, eating or talking does not fall into that equation. you can do without the smoking however.)

    try your best to take care of yourself, Bella. i want you around as long as possible, and i don't know what to do if anything were to happen to you. i know it is hard now (i think there is so much implication just behind certain phrases you use. i can feel that somehow). you really don't deserve this. i hope you're able to smile a few times today. you made me smile so much i just hope i could return the favour sometimes.

    i'm sorry for your loss. losses like this aren't exactly ones you can bounce back from. i am just idly staring into the screen, wondering what to say about it. it sounds like all of the things that you say to a loved one when they have lost someone falls into the cliche-but-somewhat-true category.

    i love you more than i could ever express it into words.

    -Sam Lupin

  8. Sending you big hugs. Fathers day is in June over here, I'm sorry it's a really hard day for you on top of everything else you are going through. You are a true friend to me and yours messages are keeping me going. I love you to the moon and back and will look into the visa thing when I get computer access at the weekend again. I hate how nearly another year has passed and everything just seems to dip and grow darker. I wish we could both find our way to the light. Maybe if we were roomies that would help, I wish you weren't so far away. I send you virtual hugs everyday through hazel and boo. Love you and thinking of you xxxxxx

  9. Bella, love. <3

    I read this right when you posted it but didn't have the words to respond at the time.

    I'm sorry you're feeling empty and lost. What I've remembered since coming back to our little world here is that sometimes posting and reading is enough to get me through a day or a night and to feel a little more human, a little more real.

    02 at 86% is terrifying. I hope the antibiotics help.
    And please, love, please don't blame yourself for you breakdowns. Life is fucking hard and you've been dealt a tougher hand than most. You are wonderful, Bella.

    I'm sorry for your loss. Sending so many hugs your way.

    Hang in there.
    --The Dancer

  10. I don't really have any words, but I know that there really aren't any that can make anyone feel better in this situation. Social media just hits the raw nerves, which is why I avoid it on those days: father's day, death, birthday.

    <3 I love you Bella xxx

  11. The day two or more scales show the same weight, the seventh seal will be broken and Armageddon will be upon us.

    I don't trust scales, but I think I would trust the wii fit.

  12. comment reply:

    bad Bella. reading a post @ 1:30am when you should be asleep!

    "Percy might have a small infatuation with a particular person that is akin to Percy as Molly Weasley is to Arthur Weasley minus the fact that Percy and Bella do not have seven children yet."
    ...yet. <--this is perfect.

    "OMG, I wrote Kevin?!" aye. Kevin and his cheese. Wally Kevin Dori can be our first name. he might hate us because of his name.

    "Not only were you a subject of my dreams last night, but so was the magnet. It stuck to my dream-fridge." i'm dying. you dreamed about me and the non-sticking fridge? oh Lord, this is the best thing ever.

    dear God, why am i deciding to comment reply on a lecture (that i read before the lecture?)

    gosh, that whole paragraph that about Harry and Ginny was so good to write and even better that you noticed. <3

    "I was missing about 3 types of Furry Friends... I bought like 40 of the damn things trying to find the full set :P" oh my God, sounds like... you know when you buy chocolates and things and they give you cards? or the prize sets at the end of the cereal? Gosh, why don't cereals have any prizes anymore? all i eat is kid's cereal (if that) so i'd love a prize!!!

    "P.S, my mum was impressed that they didn't eat the chocolate."


    -Sam Lupin

  13. I'm sorry there is no excuse for me not seeing this sooner and I'm sorry. You mean so much to me and I'm catching up on all these posts. I took my laptop away this weekend so I can fully since i haven't switched on my laptop in weeks there now given the WiFi is in the unspeakable room. Ill be reading and I'm sending you hugs and I'm sorry lovely xxx