Sunday, 13 September 2015

"Life is this big, fat, gigantic, stinking mess, but that's the beauty of it too."

For the last few days, I've been home alone. I say 'alone', although my brother has been here during the weekend.

When he got home on Friday he mentioned getting take-out last night, which had me on edge all day. I ended up choosing Noodle Box, and had noodles with beef, black beans, peas and carrots. I was shocked by the size (750 grams!) when he bought it home. He'd ordered a regular, when even a small would've been two meals. But tonight, I think I'm just going to cook an egg and a slice of toast (which seems to be my new go-to meal, again).

I think it's safe to say I've spent the bulk of the past three days either gaming, watching movies, smoking or sleeping. But it's been good to have some time alone. I haven't broken down or cried or self-harmed once.

This week I saw my GP for our monthly double appointment. She changed my antibiotics and gave me another two weeks, despite my being honest and telling her I've been shit with taking them. She said she wants to keep me on them for a while after my chest's cleared up to help with the redness from picking at my skin.

The dietician also asked me to try to get an Ensure in. She thinks my intake is contributing to this chest infection lingering. It hasn't happened yet this week, but maybe after I get weighed on Tuesday.

She asked if I had any more thoughts on getting back to see the new mental health nurse, but I really don't know. I just don't want to sit down and talk to her, even though I know I have to. She was going to talk to the dietician about it later that day, and mentioned that she was going to call the old MHN to organise a time to catch up.

It was only then the idea struck that maybe she would have some useful advice on the situation. So currently the plan is to talk to her about it, and hopefully she can help me get back to seeing the new MHN.

Last week the postman delivered a parcel from my Starsister with this amazing colouring book.

At first it was really daunting, and I was worried I'd use the 'wrong' colours or somehow else wreck the whole thing, but after I got started it really flowed (...even if it doesn't look like it). At last, the Derwent 72s I bought in high school are finally getting used.



  1. You are doing so well Bella
    Managing your time alone
    I was supposed to be on my own this weekend too
    But sister got ill
    And so she couldn't go on her course

    Wow that colouring book is amazing!!!
    So beautiful!!
    I hope it brings you some peace of mind colouring in it

    You are in my thoughts Bells
    As always x

  2. Sounds like a pretty OK time with the no self harming. I'll call it a win.

    Derwent 72 set. Yay! I had those! I may still have a few of them.


  3. I love the coloring book! Sounds like a decent few days. I like when I have time to myself. Take care :)

  4. Holy crap, you are quite talented!!!

    Time alone is therapeutic I think, especially if you live with family members.

    Your take out sounds much like ours. We had Chinese last night, and the combo dinner I got was advertised as a dinner for one. It will easily be my dinner for the next three days.


  5. HOLY WOWZ. That colouring book is amazing. And so are you Bella. (aww). I'm glad your week was SH and cry free and you've been doing stuff to soothe and distract. Hugs hugs hugs!

  6. i am very aware of how 750 grams of noodles look like. in fact, i've eaten 750 grams of noodles many many times. bad Sam.

    am i the only one that eats 750 grams of noodles in one day?

    do you have your egg on top of your toast? because i do. i love it that way. :3 runny eggy on toast.

    take your medications, my love. <3 don't make me raise an eyebrow at you in a very unsatisfied manner.

    that's...that's a colouring book? it looks absolutely amazing. and you deserve it.

    you deserve happy things.

    you are amazing.

    i fucking love you.

    -Sam Lupin

  7. I'm so proud of you for being home alone and coping ok with your time. God knows I know how difficult that is! You're doing so well!

    Your new colouring book is beautiful! You've coloured in so gorgeously and it looks amazing! I love those adult colouring books and have a few myself! I even got my mum to get herself some! Hope they're helping to keep you busy!

    Take care lovely xoxoxoxo

  8. I love you, Bella... your words give me so much comfort when I feel dislocated and lost. I wish I could do more for you, but I am so caught up in my own tangled world.

    Please stay you for always, stay lovely, and know that you are the last bastion of sanity in my life... and so many others lives. Take care, dearest.

  9. I'm glad you like it :) and noticed my inscription in the front. You are such a big part of my life i would truly be lost without you. I really mean that xxx