"Life is this big, fat, gigantic, stinking mess, but that's the beauty of it too."

For the last few days, I've been home alone. I say 'alone', although my brother has been here during the weekend.

When he got home on Friday he mentioned getting take-out last night, which had me on edge all day. I ended up choosing Noodle Box, and had noodles with beef, black beans, peas and carrots. I was shocked by the size (750 grams!) when he bought it home. He'd ordered a regular, when even a small would've been two meals. But tonight, I think I'm just going to cook an egg and a slice of toast (which seems to be my new go-to meal, again).

I think it's safe to say I've spent the bulk of the past three days either gaming, watching movies, smoking or sleeping. But it's been good to have some time alone. I haven't broken down or cried or self-harmed once.


This week I saw my GP for our monthly double appointment. She changed my antibiotics and gave me another two weeks, despite my being honest and telling her I've been shit with taking them. She said she wants to keep me on them for a while after my chest's cleared up to help with the redness from picking at my skin.

The dietician also asked me to try to get an Ensure in. She thinks my intake is contributing to this chest infection lingering. It hasn't happened yet this week, but maybe after I get weighed on Tuesday.

She asked if I had any more thoughts on getting back to see the new mental health nurse, but I really don't know. I just don't want to sit down and talk to her, even though I know I have to. She was going to talk to the dietician about it later that day, and mentioned that she was going to call the old MHN to organise a time to catch up.

It was only then the idea struck that maybe she would have some useful advice on the situation. So currently the plan is to talk to her about it, and hopefully she can help me get back to seeing the new MHN.


Last week the postman delivered a parcel from my Starsister with this amazing colouring book.

At first it was really daunting, and I was worried I'd use the 'wrong' colours or somehow else wreck the whole thing, but after I got started it really flowed (...even if it doesn't look like it). At last, the Derwent 72s I bought in high school are finally getting used.

xxBella