Friday, 18 September 2015

Weigh Day

On Tuesday, after months of gentle but increasing pressure to stand on the scales, I had my long-awaited weigh-in with the dietician.

We did it first, to get it out of the way. After drawing up Wii vs Her Scales comparisons with her the week before, I told her that I'd weighed 47.9kg on the Wii this morning, and just before we left I weighed myself in the same clothes she weighs me in, and I was 48.4kg

On her scales, I stood facing them, fearless but terrified, as the little red numbers flashed up.

I groaned "Oh, I don't like that..."
"I don't think you ever will."

I'd been feeling bloated, the scales hadn't been moving that week, and I was pretty sure I was carrying some extra food/water weight, which is likely considering I'm already down another kilo from Tuesday. I thought about putting it of for a week, but what good would it serve?

We'd figured a 1.2-1.4kg difference, between my morning weight and the clinic weight, and this was much the same. I know I should really adjust the Wii to line up closer to her scales, but at the moment I don't know if that would be a good idea or not.

When did weighing become so complex? I miss the days of waking up, peeing, stripping and weighing each day. It seems so perfectly simple, looking back.

So, a bit of an overview.
  • I was 43.7kg (BMI 12.6) when I last weighed in at home, early last year before returning control of the scales to the dietician.
  • Then, due to the whole ridiculous 'misunderstanding' with the dietician, I saw in this New Year around 53-54kg (BMI 15.3).
  • This year, I've been dropping pretty damn consistently, even if not quickly, and am currently around 47kg (BMI 13.6), give or take.

Which is still too much. But at least I have a better idea of where I am.

I'm still not ready to face the real bathroom scales, first thing in the morning, naked and void. Like I said before - when did weighing become so complex?

She congratulated me for looking at the scales. In the three years I've been seeing her, every weigh-in has been blind, simply because the weight wouldn't be my true weight (naked, void, AM, you know the deal) and would serve no good. Now that I think about it, it did serve no good. Seeing the number has only triggered a push to lose more. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure its something worth congratulating.

The dietician asked me to have a think about how often we should weigh in.
    "Whenever GP pushes it?"
I was only half-joking.
She suggested monthly, adding that it'd mean I might be given some slack with blood tests. I was thinking more like 3-monthly, and to try to fill her in on any losses/gains I'm aware of, but I don't know if that's a reasonable situation at all.

Any input here? I know there's been a lot of discussion lately regarding how often we should weigh ourselves (both in recovery and not). What's a reasonable time frame for weigh-ins that I really don't want to do?

Mum ended up being away for an extra day last weekend. Basically, she was picking up a new car from some friends, and began her journey home, but after not even an hour on the road, it just kinda... stopped. When she called to fill me in on the details of when it'd be fixed and when she'd be back, I couldn't help but laugh when she said the mechanic, being in the middle of woop woop, wouldn't have the part until 4:30 the next day, meaning it could be 6 or 7PM before she gets home.

A full extra day would be perfect, thank you very much!

After I blogged (at which point I was expecting her home that night), I spent most of my Sunday and Monday beng a couch potato. Monday was a totally lost day. I took full advantage of the extra time, and pushed everything productive down my to-do list so I could spend one more day on the couch, smoking and dozing in-and-out, with my Disney & Pixar favourites marathon in the background. I know that's no existence, but it's all I feel up to right now,

And now, it's back to the daily grind, with tension hanging thick in the air and two Taurens like bulls at a gate. That's what we are. Today we got into an argument, crying, full on break down. I've taken to locking myself in the laundry when I want to be alone. Took a few too many PRNs, and one that isn't supposed to be PRN. Right now, I just want to sleep.

"Two lorazepam. One seroquel. One bright orange, 
so hopefully I may sleep. Four more lorazepam.
It's like candy.
'Swallow, and you will be happy'"

I only really realised after, that the only times I really ate over those four days were when my brother prompted me, whether to join in take-out, or just eating something for dinner in general, or to have a piece of the Vegemite toast he makes in the middle of the afternoon. The first day when he was at work and I was completely alone, my intake consisted of an egg & toast, plus a small tub of light choc mousse (200 total).

My dietician's parting words of wisdom this week was to be kind to myself, to take care of myself, to just get through each day one step at a time, but at the same time it makes me feel so selfish.

She suggested trying to get in contact with "that one friend" who I might actually see a few times a year, and that it might provide a break from the hellfire currently raging at home. I would be nice, but I can't initiate contact with people. I haven to wait for them to come to me. Even with some of you guys, I can't start a conversation, because I'm so worried of being seen as annoying or weird or I don't even know what. 

I think I'm gonna have to call it a night. This has taken so long, and my head is not in a good place. Imma hurry to finish this up, and hope that tomorrow isn't so hard. Sorry for any typos. I simply 
cannot today.



  1. Things with Mum have certainly deteriorated. Has anyone suggested family counselling? Like you both sit together? Does that MHN do family counselling? In ED patients often the family dynamics are a contributing factor. Even though members are often in denial. It might help your relationship and the ED/anxiety. Just a thought.

    I don't think looking at the scale was a good thing personally. But I am not the professional. She's right about one thing though - you're never gonna be happy about that number. So really it would be best to give the whole game away.!!! Ha ha. I can live in hope!!

    Eggs are so good for you. Do you take vit c? Just thought you could use a bit more vit c. I read somewhere vitamin c can also help your state of mind.

    Xoxo Shelby.

  2. I'm with Shelby on the scales^, to be honest I'm not sure why they want you to see you're weight. If such a low weight still feels too high to you, then I feel like seeing the numbers won't do you any good. The ED brain won't be happy until the number drops to zero. If you stop looking at the numbers, they will gradually stop meaning anything. But then I am not a professional, so I presume she has her reasons.

    Shelby's also right about the vitamins; they can definitely make a huge difference in mood. I never knew that until a while back I stopped taking my multi (I take children's vitamins, as my dr insists the chewable ones are easier for your body to absorb) and my depression got like 100x worse. The first thing the dr asked was had I stopped taking my vitamins. :/

    Sometimes we simply cannot. I hope you can tomorrow. <3

  3. I don't think you should have to see your weight, since it obviously makes you uncomfortable; at least not too often. Gah, that scary number, so harsh for your soul :(

    1. It's a tricky one Bella
      Weigh too much
      And we can be one obsessed with the number
      But then again if we don't weigh
      We could be losing or gaining too quickly
      I guess it's different for everyone
      For me
      Weighing is not a good idea
      In active anorexia
      I put too much importance on my he number
      And it kind of shadowed everything else
      Ideally we would never weigh
      And go by how we feel
      But I think at a low weight it's important to keep an eye on it
      So maybe once a week
      Supervised by a professional
      So you have someone to talk to if you need to

      I don't weigh at all now
      If my clothes fit
      And I feel ok
      Then that's god enough for me

      I would say talk it over with the professionals
      And come to an arrangement that suits you
      The only thing is that the ED will never be satisfied
      No matter what the number
      Just to be mindful of that

      I know weighing is s minefield
      And I guess we all have to find out individually what works for us
      To stay as healthy as possible

      Take care sweet one x

  4. I think weighing/ not weighing depends on where one's at individually. For me I can have long stretches where I don't care what the scales say or specific intakes (measuring, weighing, calculating). Restriction tends to sneak up on me and isn't triggered by body perception (unless its a body related ptsd trigger). Occassionally it's happened but usually it's not feeling hungry, feeling sick when I eat, and being too scatterbrained/ stressed to remember to eat. And then it puts me in a hyperfocused state that I want to hang onto, and thats when things get entrenched. So I'm not sure my relationship with weighing would really match up with yours.

    Also. Please start up conversations with me. I would not be annoyed at all, in fact the opposite. I'd be really pleased that you wanted to talk with me.


  5. I agree weigh ins are complex especially when they read so differently. You could never annoy me by messaging me. If i see a message from you in my mesanger or wherever my eyes beam. You're my star sister and always will be. There is nothing I wouldn't want to hear from you and I always want to be there for you. I need to be better at that. You matter so much to me and we've been through a lot since we met on here. I'm goibg to start using mine more or try and maybe make it public again so it's easier to see the posts. Ill let you know If I do. You are my star, my hope, the idea I could meet you is my dream. I love you. For you. Nothing will ever change that xxx