Saturday, 26 September 2015

Get me Out of my Head

This week has been an utter mess.
I ended up seeing the dietician twice and my GP twice, even though I only had the one appointment to start with.

When I saw her on Tuesday, the dietician suggested 6-weekly weigh ins, which I'm not too sure about yet, but I guess I've got a month to think about it.

I told her about last weekend, when mum and I had gotten into an... intense disagreement (about food, no less), and my brother actually stepped in and spoke to us separately, first me crying on the kitchen floor, then her outside.

I didn't tell her about them freaking out when they came back inside and saw me sitting with three different boxes of meds, searching for a PRN that would help.
Note: I didn't take a huge amount - I just didn't want to stand at the medicine cupboard and sort through everything - although it did add up to a bit much throughout the day.
But they panicked and inspected packets and tried to figure out how many were there before. Mum 'offered' to take control of my meds again, but for whatever reason, I've been pissy about that since we've been clashing lately.

That said, the next morning I couldn't remember much at all from after the breakdown, but apparently I got restless legs from hell and was unable to move about by myself for a few hours.

Then on Thursday, I made an appointment to see the dietician again because I was having such a low day and really needed to talk to someone.

The same thing had happened with my meds, but I didn't think much of it.

She said I looked a lot worse than when she'd seen me two days prior. Concerned, she went to get my GP, who asked me to wait with the dietician while she finished with a patient.

The GP took my blood pressure a few times, sitting and standing, as well as drawing bloods herself right then because it was too busy for me to go to pathology. I was kinda irked because my bonus for getting on the scales last week was not having a blood test this month.
Blood pressure: 90/65, 51/33 standing

    "Do I need to tell your mum to take control of your meds?"
It's only in the last year or two that mum has returned my meds to the medicine cabinet after being in hiding since a nasty overdose nearly ten years ago (oh god, I'm getting old).

I had to make an appointment to go back the next day to show my blood pressure was improving and my blood tests were clear, otherwise she was going to call an ambulance. She said I was very close to an admission, but even then, I didn't see what the big deal was. I'd just taken a couple of extra PRNs - wasn't it a good thing I was actually using them for once?

Clinical note on my pathology request read:    "Anorexia, recent neglect."
(Self-neglect, I should add)

The dietician wanted to give me one of those pre-mixed Ensures, but said I'd have one when I got home. I ended up falling asleep by 4:30, after a 2:30 appointment, and sleeping for a solid 10 hours for the first time in an age. But I had one yesterday, so I guess that's close enough.

In the morning, I'd forgotten most of the day. It hit me like a tonne of bricks when I remembered her ultimatum of improvement-or-hospital, and saw I did indeed have an appointment in my calendar for 9:30am.

Thankfully, my bloods were okay, white cells aside, and my blood pressure was back to a reasonable level. When I pulled up my sleeve for the cuff, I still had the crumpled tape and cotton ball in the crook of my elbow, forgotten.

She was going to contact the dietician to let her know I was okay. I just feel like an asshole for worrying them. I just wanted someone to talk to. It was entirely incidental that my PRN intake even came out.



  1. that title tells me that this post isn't going to be very happy.

    my heart hurts. oh no, bby. i'm so sorry to hear that you and mum fought (about food no less).

    aw, sweetie. i really wish you hadn't done that. i guess it was probably more of an impulse-thing that you did at that time. i hope that things have cooled down a bit... i really wish Mum didn't just stop going into appointments. i feel like this whole crisis could've been avoided!

    i don't know what to type here, my love. i'm reading and i'm reading and i'm just lost for words.

    it's their job to worry about you, love. it's okay. i'm just glad that the testing went already. i'm glad you got a bit of shut eye.

    you don't need to justify this to us or anyone else. it's okay.

    i hope that things even out a bit more in the future. hang in there, love. xxx

    take care of yourself as best as you can. i know you're not very good at this, but still...i have to say it at least once or twice. i hate seeing you harming yourself, but i can't blame you for it either considering that you're in such a compromising position with the thoughts/having low days/etc.

    fingers crossed that the load will be lighter soon xx

    -Sam Lupin

  2. OK the first BPs were very bad.if you have too many of those in a row it Will lead to an admission. She's trying to warn you.

    I don't know what else I can tell you. I'm wondering if this antidepressant is not helping. Things seem to be getting more...intense lately.

    Maybe you should tee up a visit with your "male friend" just to get you out of your head a bit?

  3. Bella I'm so sorry to read this
    But you know
    I can relate so much to when I was ill
    Fighting with family
    Because let's face it
    As hard as it is for us to live with ourselves
    It must be so hard for our families too
    It's just part and parcel of the illness
    But it is so hard

    I am glad that your professionals are taking things so seriously
    Your health is of paramount Importance

    I wish I had more words of wisdom Bells
    Just please know that I am here
    And will always bea
    Friends like you don't come by very often
    So I'm damned if I'm going to let you go... X

  4. I don't have many words at the moment Bella, but I wanted to comment to say I'm sorry to read this and everything you're going through. It must be so tough for you, fighting with yourself and with your mum too. I'm glad you have the dietitian and GP to talk to. Please look after yourself, you deserve so much more than this life. I'm thinking of you so very much. Sending love and hugs your way xxxx

  5. What an awful situation to be in. Oh, dearest Bella, do care; you are so precious.

  6. I'm sorry you argued with your mum :( and I'm sorry the week has been hard on you darling.
    You are not an asshole. It's understandable that you'd want to talk to someone. It's comforting to hear that your blood pressure/tests were fine, mostly. I hope things get better for you sweetheart.
    Take care, Bella dear <3 I miss you.


  7. You're not an arse at all you I think did the best thing you could have and asked for support when you were clashing with mum. I'm worried about you and I am so sorry I've been a shot starsister. I'm hope the admission ultimatum stays away as I know how much you'd fear that. I'm going to drop you something in the post tomorrow or Monday. Ill keep you posted about the post :p xxx