Saturday, 3 October 2015


A few times recently, the dietician and I have ended up talking about my pre-ED life and how things have changed, both relating to food and not. 

At one point we were talking about how periods of overexercising had little effect on my weight overall compared to lengthy bouts of being sedentary, and she asked about how I used to exercise.

Long story short, I didn't. Not even at school. Once, just before my ED started, I went to this boot camp thing with a friend. I struggled to even jog. When the trainer asked me if I usually got 30 minutes a day, I said something along the lines of
    "Does it count if I spend one minute walking from the computer to the fridge, and go back and forth 15 times a day?"
Then I got a kebab on the way home.

    "Were you happy?"
    "Yeah, I was really happy."
It hit me hard as soon as I said it. That kick in the chest. I can't remember the last time I was happy. Don't get me wrong - life had long been ruled by mental illness, and I hadn't been able to function in society for years. But things are different now. 

As far as weight goes, I'd never really had to worry about my weight or watch what I eat. I was confident in my body, nearly approaching self-love. My weight has always been on the lower end of the spectrum. I maintained 60-65kg (BMI 17.3-18.8) without a thought for years, though went up to around 75kg (BMI 21.7) in the year before I got sick. 

This, as I informed the dietician, was a result of spending most of my life at a gaming cafe eating junk food. Egg and bacon baguettes, Caesar salads, carbonara, sugar-filled energy drinks and fat-laden snacks - not to mention the drinking every weekend.

    "Do you think you think and process things different now?"
My head works differently, in a way I can't explain. My thought process has changed. I'm sure you all can relate. And it's not something that can change back. It's kinda of like The Matrix, seeing reality. I chose the wrong pill, and I can never have Wonderland back.

So today I've gone back through and picked out some old photos to share with you all. These are from between the ages of 16 through 17, when I developed AN. When I showed the dietician one of me with short hair, she said she wouldn't recognize me. I don't really know how to feel about that. 

At some point I am thinking of posting body check pics from the whole way through, but for today I'll keep it to 'normal' photos.

Before the LGBT+ formal
1880s polonaise & walking skirt in black velveteen

One of my favourite dresses.
One day I must dig it out and try on for comparison.
I'd be facepalm-ing if I had to be seen in public with me dressed that way, too.

Okay, so the short hair may be age 15

I think the ED may have started by the time this photo was taken, but my skirts and corsets obviously still fit, so it was very early on. 
Too good to crop, so Derpface the Ex gets a sticker. 
(EDIT: Not that ex)



  1. Bella
    I just landed home and yours is the first post I read
    I can't tell you how much I love this post!!
    And love you sweet girl!!
    I love that you talked about this with your professionals
    I love the photos
    Like looking back on your life
    And you look so full of life and fun and energy
    Oh I know you think it's not possible to get back there
    And maybe it isn't
    But you can have another life
    Make a new and different happiness for you
    That's what life is all about
    Dealing the cards your dealt
    And making the best of any situation
    Bella dare I say it
    This post gives me hope
    And one thing is for sure
    I will never give up on you

    I hope any of that didn't sound flippant
    I don't mean to make light of your situation
    I just want it for so so much x

  2. Wow Bella. Great pics!!!!!!!!

    I had that short haircut myself, in 2010. It's nice. I'd like to have it again. To me, it's "grown up" and together. The thing I want to be now I guess. Anyway I think it still looks like you.

    You look very happy and optimistic in those photos. You have a genuine sparkle. I feel happy to see them but also I feel sad because you SO deserve to be that girl again.

    Actually you really sound like you've had a moment of clarity. I'm loving it.

    Love the photo of you and derpface. Though I think a smiley was WAY too kind.


    1. Actually it may have been 2009. But I'm always behind the fashion 8 ball when it comes to hair. I get sick of my long hair as soon as it reaches my desired length so I'm always cutting it.

      I think you should get out that cool dress as a reminder of how nice it WILL be to show it off again.

      You'll turn that corner, I know you will.

  3. You know, it really is positive to rewire the brain. It takes time and a lot of effort, but it's doable. It took me a good year to take compliments and be okay with them and it took me probably a few years in general to really have confidence. I just promise you that you can be happy again. Truly. I also had a chuckle about your gaming. When I'm playing I've got like drinks and snacks and I'm going hard core Haha. No energy drinks though, more like Gatorade. You can't afford to get up! :) you look beautiful in every one, past and present.

  4. I didn't recognise you with the short hair either. It's like you're a completely different person, but still as beautiful. Do you want to go back to how you were? Or are you happy with the way you are now? Xxxx

  5. I absolutely adore your outfits in these posts. I briefly used to want my hair exactly like your short style; after a girl I knew online got it. I still love it, but it really wouldn't suit me. You look beautiful in all of them.

    And I agree that a smiley was way too kind for that douche.

    There isn't really much I can say that Ruby hasn't covered already. I too sense a glimmer of hope from this.

    Love <3

  6. Oooooooooooooooo your outfits are GORGEOUS!! And you are too obvs.

    Like the others said, I also sense some hope in this. There is a way out of the ED, some of us are living proof of that. You can beat it as well. <3