Before...

A few times recently, the dietician and I have ended up talking about my pre-ED life and how things have changed, both relating to food and not. 

At one point we were talking about how periods of overexercising had little effect on my weight overall compared to lengthy bouts of being sedentary, and she asked about how I used to exercise.

Long story short, I didn't. Not even at school. Once, just before my ED started, I went to this boot camp thing with a friend. I struggled to even jog. When the trainer asked me if I usually got 30 minutes a day, I said something along the lines of
    "Does it count if I spend one minute walking from the computer to the fridge, and go back and forth 15 times a day?"
Then I got a kebab on the way home.

    "Were you happy?"
    "Yeah, I was really happy."
It hit me hard as soon as I said it. That kick in the chest. I can't remember the last time I was happy. Don't get me wrong - life had long been ruled by mental illness, and I hadn't been able to function in society for years. But things are different now. 

As far as weight goes, I'd never really had to worry about my weight or watch what I eat. I was confident in my body, nearly approaching self-love. My weight has always been on the lower end of the spectrum. I maintained 60-65kg (BMI 17.3-18.8) without a thought for years, though went up to around 75kg (BMI 21.7) in the year before I got sick. 

This, as I informed the dietician, was a result of spending most of my life at a gaming cafe eating junk food. Egg and bacon baguettes, Caesar salads, carbonara, sugar-filled energy drinks and fat-laden snacks - not to mention the drinking every weekend.

    "Do you think you think and process things different now?"
    "Definitely."
My head works differently, in a way I can't explain. My thought process has changed. I'm sure you all can relate. And it's not something that can change back. It's kinda of like The Matrix, seeing reality. I chose the wrong pill, and I can never have Wonderland back.


So today I've gone back through and picked out some old photos to share with you all. These are from between the ages of 16 through 17, when I developed AN. When I showed the dietician one of me with short hair, she said she wouldn't recognize me. I don't really know how to feel about that. 

At some point I am thinking of posting body check pics from the whole way through, but for today I'll keep it to 'normal' photos.

Before the LGBT+ formal

1880s polonaise & walking skirt in black velveteen

One of my favourite dresses. One day I must dig it out and try on for comparison.

I'd be facepalm-ing if I had to be seen in public with me dressed that way, too.

Okay, so the short hair may be age 15

I think the ED may have started by the time this photo was taken, but my skirts and corsets obviously still fit, so it was very early on. 

Too good to crop, so Derpface the Ex gets a sticker. 

(EDIT: Not that ex)

xxBella