Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Home Alone

This past week has been really full-on, hence my lack of writing. I was to be left home alone for 5-6 days, and things did not go as planned.

Last week, I actually worked up the cojones to ask a friend to come over and keep me company for part of the weekend. He asked when my mum and brother were going away, and said he'd come over for most of Friday and Saturday, and only be 10 minutes away if I needed. I thought I had a safety net, and that at least a couple of days wouldn't be so hard.

I don't even know what happened. I really don't even know. I think that's the worst part. My social life is very much a case of "the less said, the better". He came over, we talked and drank and watched Inside Out. It was nice. He had a bag and a new bottle of scotch. I thought he was going to stay. The scotch never got opened.

One of the first things he said was that he'd been dating a girl for four months, and she wasn't too happy about him visiting. Obviously, this is where the shit hit the fan, with constant texts flying, but I don't know what or why.

He left sometime around 1am, I'm not entirely sure. I wasn't expecting it, and it was a shock to the system like having ice water poured all over me. Everything in me sunk and all I felt was fear. I can't even explain how or why it makes such a difference just having someone around. I just needed someone there and I had no one else to call on.

We haven't talked since, which isn't unusual for me, but I don't know when or why plans changed or if I've stepped on toes or what. If it had been a known, I would have tried to sort something else out so I wouldn't be left alone, even if it meant a respite carer.

As a bonus, toward the end of the night, my stomach decided to pull it's magic trick where it randomly ejects its contents. I don't think it was even alcohol-induced, as I didn't drink that much, and I kept being sick until about 4pm the next day.

Saturday was one of the hardest days I've had in a long time. The morning was hell. Between the stress and being physically sick, I wasn't coping. I called mum 10, 20, 30 times, only to hear she'd be turning off her phone in 15 minutes for the wedding. I didn't even know what to say. I then called my brother, who very calmly asked the routine questions and asked if I needed him to come home.

My brother flew back on Saturday. I feel terrible because he'd only left the night before, but I didn't know what else to do. I felt so alone and scared, and it's not like I exactly have lots of local friends to call.

I waited in curiousity to see if I'd hear from him on Saturday. Nothing. I think I've managed to unintentionally fuck up my last local friendship.

A strange phenomenon happens when mum leaves, and I lose all sense of time, all structure, and arguably the majority of my mind. When I started smoking weed, I referred to it as the Eternal Twilight. The same happens when I'm alone. Life is just one, big, long fucking day.

I've missed most of my meds and skipped most of my meals. Saturday, I didn't eat until 6pm when I made an egg with bacon on toast. Just under 200 cals for the day. The next day, I had an Ensure at the end of the day, but that was it. I've had another supplement this morning, and I'm going to try to go and cook a proper dinner after I finish this post.

I should mention, this whole week had been a result of bad timing, with both my mum and brother booking trips some time ago for the same weekend. Unfortunately, no one realised the clash until a few weeks ago, and by then it was too late to change anything.

I had a talk with the dietician this morning, which helped a lot. I might try to see her again on Thursday, just because the last couple of weeks have been so hard with intake and weight. I've lost 2.5kg since she weighed me two weeks ago, and there's four more weeks until I next have to be weighed. She asked if I wanted to do it this morning to get it out of the way, and I thought about it, but ended up chickening out.

Mum got home a couple of hours ago. I told her that
  "After this weekend, I don't think I want you on carer's allowance any more."
This has been a highly debated topic in our household of late, as it's been building for a while. And she got really pissed off and said
  "Fine, cancel it, and move out while you're at it."




  1. Your friend SO should have said "no" from the get go if he knew there would be issues. I'm not blaming the gf; i know i wouldnt want my bf spending a coupla nights with some chick especially if alcohol was involved; she may have threatened to break up or something. It was very immature on his behalf, I'm sure I've played a role in a similar interaction. You will probably remain friends. I don't reckon you did anything! So don't worry. It's relationship dramas for sure.

    As for mum, goodness. You fired her as a carer basically! Didn't she think everything was all set when she left?

    Maybe you guys do need some time apart.
    Are you really able to just "move out"? Seems unlikely.

    Actually i dont think Mum is eqipped to handle this. Shes not coping, you're not coping.

    I think you should demand your mum drive you to another GP. Because where you're going isn't really doing anything. Get mum to tell the story so you don't have to. There has got to be someone else local who can help. If only someone could do home visits.

    I dont know what else to say but i hope you're. ..ok

    I'm worried, honest to God worried. Your health is bad, your state of mind bad, support network troubling...


    PS I'm glad though that your brother took a practical approach. He really does seem like a gem.

    1. I should add, i was in the role of upsetting the boyfriend, not the upset girlfriend. I wasn't upfront enough - maybe that's what happened here. Anyway, not your fault.

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  2. Bella. I wouldn't worry to much about what is going on between your friend and his girlfriend
    As Shelby said
    He really shouldn't have agreed to sit with you if there were other issues going on

    This is exactly why I emailed you the other day
    When you didn't post on Saturday as you so religiously do
    You were on my mind a lot
    And I just had a funny feeling thdt something wasn't right

    I am also concerned about the situation with your Mum
    As it seems to be deteriorating
    I know it can be so frustrating trying to help
    Someone with an ED
    But you need support Bells
    I just hope you both can find a way to get through this

    The weight loss is also worrying
    Pot/kettle/ black over here I know

    I'm glad your brother came back to you
    What a star!

    Always here Bells
    Always have your back
    And would be round to you in a shot if didn't live on the other side of the world..... X

  3. Hi darling, I'm back...
    I'm so sorry to hear how you've been struggling recently; and honestly don't worry about your friend and his girlfriend, you've done nothing wrong.
    I feel massively out of the loop, I'll try and catch up on your posts today. I've missed you so much.

  4. If this had been my life I would have told my boyfriend what I was doing and some of the circumstances around it then did what I want. That was really childish of her. I think you need to be direct and ask him if you're cool and if not you're sorry as you needed to have company. Just be upfront. No reason to be scared if you guys really are friends.

    Here's where my opinion gets sticky. I'm in the counseling field and I have also been in the unfortunate role of caregiver so what I would like to say seems harsh. As a regular person I think there is a breaking point taking care of a mentally ill family member. I did that with my mom and it fostered resentment and feelings of being trapped after a while. We are responsible for how we take care of our mental health and when we don't and leave it to someone else we risk burning them out and leaving them no energy to take care of themselves. I think your mom loves you but I think she sounds tired and frustrated. It's a big responsibility to be a care giver and it's really difficult to always be in "on" mode with a person you have to help. She's at home and I have a hunch her bucket is depleted and not getting filled back up.

    I think it won't change until you want to, and people will continue to be upset or frustrated because even though you know a person is responsible for change, when they come in, not making progress wears on people in this field. I've been saying this for three years now, I think you gotta confront your demons and stop living in chains because this isn't life and you shouldn't have to live scared to be alone or take a drive or enjoy a summer day at the park. Any of those things. View what your mom is doing as exhaustion and maybe think of how you can minimize it. Call your friend and Make it right. Be kinder to yourself. It's not a bad thing to do nor would you be undeserving.

  5. I love you so damn much, I want to come rescue you. You did nothing to provoke the friend leaving. Sounds like he was paranoid and insecure, but you did not warrant or deserve the abrupt departure, and the lack of hearing probably is because he feels guilty for ditching someone who asked and needed his help for what sounds like a highly strung girlfriend. He made an epic error. I'd have stayed with you.

    Your mum is a nightmare. I'm glad you have your brother. I'll message you on facebook.

    You mean the world to me, you really do, I wish the unit mess had happened a week earlier, I would have flown out if there was any way, I sincerely mean that. We should definitely plan something. I LOVE YOU xx

  6. I don't get any scripts. As an outpatient they never give it to me, luckily I saw into the future and on all the leaves I never used a single PRN, just the ones that came in the made up night boxes. So I still have about 24 5mg tablets. I won't use anymore today, namely because I just drowned my body in laxatives. Which should make for a fun fun evening. I feel sick, but I did anyway, and as long as it isn't paracetamol, they can't catch me. Theres no way in hell I'm going back to manor hell. I'd sooner go back to the acute ward here which apparently isn't an option, but somehow I don't believe that, where are they going to put me within the NHS, I cna tell you a private ward hundreds of miles away will not be the NHS's preferred option. Getting to my morning appointment I think will not be a bit of a battle, but never mind. Deleting the MPF entries just so they match the instagram blog. Weight went back down again, keeping same mpf dont worry :P I'm just going to block everyone on there who I don't trust. I like taking photos of everything I eat, because its so automatic that even in trance mode I remember to do it, s I always know everything I've eaten even if I wish I hadn't. Chocolate and BelVitas/ typical cereal bars are banned - protein bars without chocolate and vegan fruit and nut bars are okay as treats. Nothing else is banned. I had years without either. So it won't be an issue. I want people to come rescue us, I can see full well we are both on burning ships on opposite sides of the ocean. I love you so much, I want to see you here on this world in this life, and not in the next xxxx