Monday, 23 November 2015

One by one...

The last few weeks at home have not been the most pleasant. When I last posted, I'd just seen the dietician that morning, and in the afternoon, mum got back from her mini-vacation. After a horror weekend alone, I told her we really needed to change the carer's payment situation, and she told me to move out while I'm at it.

It hit me as a bit of a shock, for her to say that. It hurt. I didn't have the energy to sit there and pointlessly argue. I went out the garage, and smoked and broke down until the tears ran dry. Then I went back to the porch. I accepted it. It is her house, her life, and ultimately her decision.

I have to make this clear. I'm not angry or frustrated at mum for not being able to continue as my carer. I do get it. I'm angry that she won't accept it means losing the payment, and whenever I've tried to discuss it with her, she gets offended and argumentative, and I had to draw the line. (I should note: I do pay my own way covering everything I eat, my share of bills, the housework etc.)

She's a great mum. I think (or hope) most of you guys know that. She's just not fulfilling the role of 'carer'. It's a fact, not a judgement. I honestly think that if we redid the forms, which I'll be asking my GP to do, the outcome would be different now. It's not a sudden change - it's been building all year.

She's burnt out. I get it. Before I was ill, she cared for my brother for some years too. It isn't a 'blame' situation, not by a long shot. It's just the way life works. I just need to know what's going on so I can start looking at my other options.

To me, though, it just confirms everything The Horrible Psychiatrist said all those years ago.
"They will get tired, and they will leave."
Mum looked him straight in the eye, and told him he was wrong. His reaction was basically,
"Just wait."

I always knew he was right on that one. Now, I'm taking his second piece of advice.
"You should free mum from her role as carer."

After that discussion and the aftermath on Tuesday, I made an appointment to see the dietician again on Thursday. That didn't happen.

For the last few months, mum has been pushing me to do more by myself, especially at appointments. It started with going to every appointment alone, and currently, she is pushing me to go to reception, talk to them by myself, go back afterwards and talk to them again to pay. For reference, the most I've been able to interact with the girls at the desk is saying 'hi' and 'thanks'  in the last few months, and even that has been a huge challenge. Before that, it was just a smile, sometimes a wave.

And I couldn't do it. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it was too much. If I were in a better place I might consider the challenge, but at the moment it's just another roadblock in getting to appointments. I asked mum if she could please put a 'pause' on her agenda, because I'm already struggling enough with food and getting to appointments as it is. No.

But I'm not going to push it. In the end, mum is backing away for a reason, and I can't change that. So I cancelled Thursday, and cancelled tomorrow's regular appointment too. Like I said before, I'm just rolling over and accepting it. It is her house, her life, and ultimately her decision.

So I guess you could say, appointments are currently up in the air. I still have my weekly standing appointments with the dietician, and have an appointment with my GP next week, but it could go either way. I feel like my supports are crumbling one by one, and I don't have the self-caring factor to be pushed in to these scary situations, just to get to appointments, and for whose benefit...?

And I want to thank you all for you comments, support, input, feedback and opinions on my last post. I was actually kind of scared to check the comments for a few days. I think I prepare myself for others to judge me just as harshly as I do. I checked a few days later, expecting the worst, but instead they made me cry. I really don't know what I'd do without the support and friendship of all of those in the blogosphere.

At the moment, I'm just trying to find my feet, my routine, and keep up with the human race in general.

As for the whole thing with my friend, I don't have a friggin' clue what's going on there, but I think I'm good with that. Or, more to the point, I'm just over. I don't have the time or energy to waste on social dramas right now. Isolation is the best medication.



  1. Dear Bella,

    I so very sorry that things are so tough right now
    It's just not fair
    I remember when I was using
    There was a point where my mother refused to help me any more
    Stopped bailing me out of all the sticky situations I got in to
    And kicked me out of the house
    It was actually a turning point for me
    And was the start of my getting well
    I'm not saying this is what will happen for you
    But never say never

    I can understand that your mother is tired and fed up
    And maybe feels sick of the whole situation
    But Hun
    Where does that leave you?
    How will you get to appointments?
    How will you manage day to day?
    It worries me
    And I hate that that cruel doctors predictions seem to be coming true

    I don't know Bella
    This leaves you in really difficult situation
    You need all the support you can get
    I guess at least you have this community
    You know we are always here for you

    Love you Bells
    You are stronger and more resilient than you know
    Keep us update x

  2. Bella! I missed you, gorgeous <3 Reading through all your blog posts atm to see what I missed =P Stay safe, beautiful

  3. Hey darling,
    Wow that sounds scary trying to become fully independent again, I'll be thinking of you and praying you're doing okay and find the strength to keep your appointments that you need.
    I know it can be terrifying navigating social situations with everything else going on..
    Love you sweetie, hope you're okay. I'm always here if you need anything xx

  4. I feel so scared for you. I so wish I could say or do something that would be helpful. I hope that your mother and you can figure out something that works. Please let me know if you ever need to talk or vent, I am here or catch me on FB.
    Much love

  5. You know, I think I probably have one of the least popular inputs when it comes to commenting on your posts and I don't mean to seem as though I don't care about your feelings or that I'm purposely harsh. I'm trained in the counseling side of things and I work in a treatment center so I'm problem solving a lot to try and help people make these types of situations work out. I don't feel like it was professional or maybe even ethical for him to speak to you guys like that. I could see him possibly saying that to your mom behind closed doors when you're not there but I just don't know how I feel about that,. I also don't quite understand the payment situation there. Here yes, hut I didn't know anything about the carer pay thing. Here's what I'm concerned about, that you'll regard this subconsciously as your last person you felt cared about you as a person bailed and it really does show that you're worthless and that's not the case at all. I think it's probably tough to see reality right now in such am emotionally charged situation I agree with Ruby in that this could be a rock bottom for you and encouragement to get well. If you do things that he'll you, is it because your mom wants that and now that she's not taking the active role does it say to you that you have no other reason to get better? I just don't fully get the underlying thoughts and messages you tell yourself but now is a good time to examine yourself and what you want. I don't think slowly letting yourself die is the answer, however, and I hope for your sake you reach out and find some new supports and maybe a clinical care giver that can go home at the end of the night and decompress and come back and provide you with the kind of care they're trained to give, no judgement, no emotional exhaustion, just working with you to help you recover. This is important. You living and conquering your trauma is important. You are important. Just please don't give up and not even consider that truth. I know it's hard to self evaluate when you already feel like shit but this is your very life now and you gotta want this. More than you want to live your life locked away alone in your room please choose life.

  6. What do you feel a carer needs to do in order to fulfil that requirement? You need to nut that out with her.

  7. Hi!
    I'll start this comment With saying how much I want you to get well. It's a terribly destructive desease, which will kill you eventually.

    I can understand Your Family's despair, and Your, though horrible, psychiatrist is right. There's only so much support and care one can give, and you might have to suffer alone, eventually. Hopefully, that doesn't happen, but you have to be prepared. I'm not trying to scare you, and not to increase Your, probably existent, guilt, but trying to make you understand that fighting the People who're trying to help won't solve the problem. You'll leave Your fellow beings in despair due to the inability to help. Eventually they'll leave you, but hopefully not. What you wrote in a previous post just confirms that, the one where Your mum said....well, I don't remember what she said, but I Guess you do.

    I don't have a recipe for success, and recovery isn't just straight forward and then you're recovered. I hope you fight for Your life, and can appreciate the help you're getting now. Eventually, that'll stop too if you resist. If they fail on you, you might die.

  8. What a terrible, terrible situation you are in. Being independent, with all that entails, and being without support are two scary things. I hope, I wish, that you find strength to find a solution :(

  9. I don't really think there's anything else I can say that others haven't already said.
    Wishing you strength and that there's a light at the end of the tunnel soon.

    <3 I love you x

  10. I'm sorry to hear everything isn't going well, sweetie. I hope everything works out and you and your mum are okay soon. It doesn't sound ridiculous that you couldn't interact as much as your mum pushes you to.
    Sending all my love to you xoxo take care, please do <3