I don't really know why. I just don't want to deal with the world, with people. I don't want to go outside, not even to my back porch. And so I've been stuck in here, leaving for maybe an hour or two max each day.
A few days ago the dams broke and I just started crying, tears that have barely stopped since.
I'm losing days and losing track and I don't know which way's up.
Seeing the GP next Friday. Dietician next week. I cancelled on her again yesterday, because really, what's the point?
I'm making her an apron for Christmas. There's only two appointments left until she goes away.
In other news, I've been talking to someone on Facebook for the last few weeks and, well, got asked out.
I don't even know where to start explaining why this is such a complicated issue.
I kind of want to tell him he's wasting his time because I don't go out much and am not in the place to cope with a relationship or any of that.
For those playing along at home, I've had a total of maybe six social encounters since I started blogging.
It's all such a confusing mess and I really don't know if I'm in the right place to be able to deal with any of it. I'm going to try to get my thoughts straight and will check in with how it went later in the week, but I just wanted to quickly check in as I know a few of you were worried.
xxBella
I feel you... I've been holed up in my flat and have only left once in the last three weeks, twice in the last five. It becomes so much easier to not deal with things after a while. And a little romance... Sounds dashing! Tell us more! Xo
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say Bella. I'd like to encourage you to get back out of your room. At least the porch. If its a trigger place, and hasn't actually been de-triggered, then spending time in there is just going to be destructive. It can help to change a triggery place. Reimbue it with a new meaning. Not to deny it's history but to reclaim it. My thought is to redecorate it in a way where it encourages you to look forwards rather than back. Have things visible that inspire you to work on your sewing designs, that remind you of your connections out to the world, and what you love. If you don't have the energy for this kind of thing (and yeah I know it takes a lot) then try to get of it at least. I love you dearly Bella. I hope I don't sound bossy.
ReplyDeleteI love you so much and I'm so sorry that this christmas is a mess and I wish I could fly there and rescue you, so badly. How have the past few days been? I'll facebook you my little wonder xxx
ReplyDeleteI hope so much that the week turned out better than it began, dear Bella.
ReplyDeleteHugs Bella, I think too that relationship is definitely not the way to go now but going out would be good <3 Apron is really good idea :), I'm sure she will love it, and it's a reason for you to go to the appointment. Don't give up on yourself hun, it sounds like you're giving up a bit but you've fought this far, you can still get to the other side <3 <3
ReplyDeleteLove xoxo <3