Sunday, 27 December 2015

Christmas 2015

Christmas is never an easy time of year. On top of the regular MH issues, this year a lot of stuff relating to abuse and trauma has been surfacing in a very painful way. There have been lots of tears and intense discussions, actually talking about the childhood abuse for the first time ever and facing it head-on. It hasn't helped having so few appointments - I saw the dietician last week, but now won't see her for a month, and don't really have any other appointments planned. I might try to get in to see the GP this week though. I just really need to talk and get it out. 

We kept Christmas quiet and simple this year. Still, I had a bit of a meltdown on Christmas Eve as I stuffed and trussed my chicken. Not my finest moment. I had another mini-OD, mostly on seroquel and lorazepam. Recently I've been either not taking my meds, or taking far too many. Mum now tells me the only reason she didn't call an ambulance was because it was Christmas Eve. 

Long story short, by the time I'd calmed down, the chicken had been out of the fridge for too long for mum to be comfortable cooking it. We ended up having a stir-fry for dinner, and croissants were made earlier I'm in the day. 

I didn't even drink. I bought myself a bottle of red the day before, and was given another on the day, but they're still sitting unopened on my bar. 

I kept baking to an absolute minimum this year, which was unusual for me. I just wanted to keep food simple and minimal. I skipped the cakes, the sponges, the shortbread, nearly everything except for one batch of my grandma's caramel slice and my mum's chocolate truffle recipe. We started a couple of days before Christmas, and by yesterday all of the baking and leftovers was gone. I just couldn't deal with the stress of having so many different foods around for so long. 

All in all, it was a lot more like 'normal' people eating rather than Christmas gluttony. 

When my brother got home, we opened presents. I got a bottle of shiraz, a new journal, a new Parker pen with a heap of black gel ink cartridges, a pack of bath bombs, a little power pack for charging phones, and some coffee beans.

Unfortunately I have trouble gripping the pen without my hand cramping (I never figured out how to hold a pen 'properly') because it's so straight and thin, so I'm just using the ink cartridges in the pen my brother gifted me some years ago. 

My brother bought me a heap of coffee beans, as I've stopped drinking instant and started brewing my own these past few months. They haven't gotten here yet, but I've got like 1kg of Italian espresso beans plus lots of different 250g bags to try, so hopefully they'll be here soon. 

Thank you all for your comments and support on my last post. I know it's a hard time for a lot of us, but I hope you all had the best day possible.

Merry Christmas,



  1. Ahh bath bombs are perfectly acceptable. Though probably not as dramatic ;)

  2. Merry Christmas Bells :) Congratulations on talking about the painful issues, even though it couldn't have been easy. I'm sorry to read you had another breakdown; I was hoping you'd been quiet just because of an uneventful few days.
    Normal eating over gluttony; that's exactly how I felt it went! Although I seemed to struggle to find that sentence. Your journal and pen look lovely- and I can't wait to see your coffee beans!

    Here's hoping 2016 is better for you doll <3 xxx

  3. Struggling for words but just want to let you know I'm here, sending you bunches of love xxxx

  4. Merry Christmas, and hopefully a great new year!

  5. Caught up on your blog. I've been m.i.a. but know that I love you loads and message whenever, ok? It looks like things have been really chaotic. Xoxo take care Bella dearest.