Sunday, 3 January 2016

More Madness

Between Christmas and various other triggers I've yet to really write about, I haven't been coping very well lately, especially with trauma stuff.

This week I found myself in my GP's office, desperate for someone to listen. I put my hands over my ears and blurted, things I haven't said before. The words were difficult, but came with release. In the end, she was going to call both a counselling service and a local psych clinic to see if they had a bed for a short admission.

She also asked mum to monitor my meds, and bring them to me with a glass of water when they're due. Recently, I've either been not taking any of them, or going back and taking all the ones I've skipped.

I took the jump with the private psych clinic, the closest I've gotten to a psychiatrist in years. That probably says how desperate I feel.

I was really nervous about it. I'd had 3 admissions there n the past, all less than 24 hours. Plus, half the clinic is an ED clinic, and I really didn't want to end up in their program. My GP asked me to try for just 24 hours, and see what happened after that. As much as I don't like being in the house and have very valid reasons to, it's still a daunting prospect to go anywhere else.

She called the next day to tell me they had beds free, despite the holiday rush. She'd spoken to the psych on call, who I hadn't met before, and they agreed it would be a short admission for crisis intervention and assessing & stabilizing of my meds. They agreed the dietician handles the ED side of things. They'd just make sure I'm eating and drinking something and keep an eye on my OBs and whatnot.

Things were starting to look up. She did a quick physical, then it was just waiting for the phone call. The next morning, I packed my bags and off we went.

Despite the anxiety, things were going okay at the start. We did the paperwork, they took an ID photo for the med charts, and I sat and waited for a nurse to come collect me.

As the minutes turned into an hour, I started to have second thoughts. It crept up on me, slowly.
    "I don't know if I want to be here."
    "I don't feel safe here."

The next thing I remember was the rough of the carpet on my cheek, waking up on the floor with a nurse.
Yep, it was another seizure.

Apparently  fell forward, and started convulsing. I bit my tongue so hard it bled (again) and still hurts today. The ambos had already been called by the time I woke up.
    "Do you know where you are?"
    "The clinic..."
    "Do you know what day it is?"
    "... ... no.

They scooped me up into a wheelchair and took me to a room with my mum, a few nurses and staff, and one of my worst fears - my old ED psychiatrist.

And as it turned out, my fears were extremely valid. My old ED psych was there - not the one my GP had spoken to - and eventually said I had two options. I could go to A&E with the ambos, or be sectioned.

I lost it. I jumped out of the chair and went for the door, but the psych blocked my way.

Then I just kept crying    "I just want to go home."
    "You don't even know what day it is."
    "I just want to go home. I'll see my GP tomorrow."

By some stroke of luck or divine intervention, she let me go home.
    "...but I'm not admitting you here again."
Which kinda fucks up any future treatment prospects, as it's the only psych place I'll go voluntarily, but fuck, I'm not going anywhere near her or that clinic again. That's my second lucky escape with being sectioned, and I'm not taking the risk again. I thought the clinic might be safe, as all their patients are voluntary, but I was wrong.

At home, later in the day, more seizures, another call to 000 (twice in one day!). I'm not too sure how I got out of this one, except for saying I'd get to my GP as soon as possible.

Seizures are a lot more exhausting than you'd think. Apart from where I bit my tongue and banged my knee on the way down, my whole body just aches. It feels like I've run a marathon, and moving my arms and legs just hurts.

I'm seeing my GP this week to get a referral to a neurologist and try to figure out what the hell's going on. After my first seizures at the start of the year (this was my third lot), I had tests done and all was fine.

I'm starting to think it's not just the crap I smoke, though. The first time, I had a seizure within 30 seconds of smoking. This time, it's much more delayed and random. Maybe hitting my head as my main form of self-harm is starting to take a toll.

And Happy New Year to all of you out there in the blogosphere. I hope 2016 brings all your hearts' desires.



  1. No words Bells
    I'm just so worried
    Could you do a little experiment with the smokeables
    Maybe cut down
    And see if the seizures improve
    I mean
    God knows what shit is in that stuff
    Do you tell the professionals that you smoke?
    I think they should know so they can treat you properly

    I'm so sorry you had to go through this horrid experience
    And especially seeing that psych again
    I know that was your worst nightmare
    But what I do think is positive
    Is the fact you went and spoke to your GP
    In the beginning
    That was a huge step
    And well done for that
    Let's hope it's the start of something

    Jeez Bells
    When are you gonna get a break?
    It's not fair for one person to have to go through so much

    Always here

    Love you x

  2. Jesus F Christ. I am so terribly sorry everything fucked up at the clinic, with that psych of all people there. Just like Ruby wrote, when will you get a break?

    Hugs, lots of them.

  3. Hugs. Seizures aren't good. Hope things start getting better for you in some way. More hugs.

  4. I'm sooo sorry to hear you're in a bad way still beautiful Bella. I wish I could help you. I wish I could just reach out and take away all of your pain. My heart goes out to you. Please stay strong. Please keep fighting. I'm so worried for you. Sending you lots of love and super hugs xxxxxxxxx

  5. Oh Bella! What awful coincidences- seeing Him that time and now the HP. I doubt that will do much to reassure you, but they are still just coincidences- please believe that. They're awful, awful coincidences and the odds for both must be minuscule.
    I hate this happened to you when you tried. I'm so angry that HP was there- just when you REALLY deserved a break (more than usual).

    That said, you did an amazing thing actually talking about it! I'm so proud of you, and I really hope this doesn't put you off more help in the future. I could understand if you didn't though. FFS, why did HP have to be there?! Surely you can't section someone over having a seizure??

    Thought: maybe the seizures are in part related to your mental stress over everything? Not just your dependence on synthetics? This thought came to me as you've had so many in this post since being around HP.

    I really hope you can post something positive soon; you deserve to be on the up!

    Love <3 xxx

  6. Is it hypoglycemia? Sometimes stress causes seizures too. X

  7. I super duper love you to the moon and back. Have you had any more since the post? Sorry I've been shit. Know that I love you and I'm going to was if I can send you a little parcel this week xxxxxxx

  8. <3 <3 <3
    Sounds awful... how come they can fuck up at the clinic like that? Really? Hugs, I hope 2016 despite the start is going to bring all the good for you that you deserve <3

  9. Sorry things aren't well on your end love <3 and about what happened at the clinic. I hope your tongue has healed and everything gets better physically and mentally.
    I hope the neurologist helps if/when you do find one.
    Happy new year!