Saturday, 23 January 2016

New Year, Same Old Story

I can't believe another year has already passed. It seems like only yesterday I was getting my notebooks ready for 2015, and here I am again, purple pen and ruler in hand.

I know I'm a little late to be posting about the New Year, but I've been having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around things lately. So, today I thought I'd go back and do a bit of a review of the past year.

First off, I had my weigh-in with the dietician this week. I came in at 43.9kg, nearly exactly 10kg down from last January. Looking at the records, she says it's been a fairly consistent drop. Since then, I've dropped another 2kg. Food is harder than it's been in a long time. I stopped exercising completely about two or three months ago, and the weight seems to be falling off.

I won't get to see her next week, which will be hard. Tuesday is Australia Day, and by the time mum called, she was booked out for Thursday. I'm on the cancellation list, and she always says that there are people who don't turn up to appointments. I live maybe 2 minutes away, so hopefully I'll get a phone call at some point on Thursday. At the moment, she's the only one I can talk to, and the only one who follows up with the recent trauma confession.

For the last couple of years, I've been trying to challenge my agoraphobia by going out once a month. It didn't happen last year. I manage appointments, and occasionally going to one place for smoke. Apart from that, I haven't really gone out since our trip to Warrnambool for my birthday.

I did manage an outing in November. We drove to Werribee so I could go fabric shopping. On the way home, we bought coffees, and numb-nuts here decided to hold it between my knees and take the lid off to add my sweetener, while travelling 100km/h. Needless to say, I spilt boiling black coffee all over my skirt and legs, and sat with burning thighs for the half an hour drive home.

There was also a sneaking out incident that I mentioned briefly, just before Christmas. I haven't even written in my journal about it. I think I was a tad manic, because I would not normally jump the fence to get in a car with someone I've only known online for a few days, let alone stay out until 7am. It was kind of surreal.

2015 was the first year since diagnosis that I wasn't admitted to hospital for my lung issues (COPD & Bronchiolitis Obliterans). I've had more than my fair share of antibiotics though. After joking about it for so long, last year I kept track. I was prescribed antibiotics for 172 days out of the year. 182 would've been half the year.

That said, I've had three lots of seizures and one black out, leading to many ambulance calls and trips to A&E. I'm still waiting for my neurology appointment (two months!), but I'm starting to think that maybe it's more linked to my head hitting/self-harm than just smoking and sleep deprivation.

My mental health nurse left in January. Since then, it's been slow progress getting to see someone else. The new MHN said something she really shouldn't have, and I don't particularly want to have to see her again.

Last month, a trauma confession bubbled to the surface, about my childhood abuse. Since then, I feel like I've been in crisis. I don't know what to do. I know it's something I need to work through, but everyone seems to be pushing me to just move out instead so they don't have to deal with it. Unfortunately, with my agoraphobia, living on a crime scene is preferable to the unknown.

I haven't done much sewing this year. I made a few aprons for last Christmas, plus two little dresses for Katie's little girl.

Apart from that, I've been doing some sketching and planning, but all I've really been sewing is the essentials - camisoles, trackie-dacks, alterations, a couple of basic skirts. Hopefully 2016 will be a more productive year. I started painting and re-doing my study/studio some weeks back, but haven't had the energy or motivation to finish, meaning my studio is currently spread between the lounge room, bedroom, and well, the whole house.

Last week, I got to five years in a row on MyFitnessPal. That's 1,825 days straight, for those of you playing along at home.

Happy New Year to all of my beautiful followers (and apologies for the pic spam!).



  1. I adore all the clothes you made, I especially love the blue skirt. It looks wonderful and suits you so well :) Happy late new year, I hope it will be a year of progress and happiness for all

  2. Bella your handmade clothes never fail to amaze me! The little dresses are so adorable! :) You're just so talented!
    Happy belated new year to you too hun. I hope 2016 treats us kind...

  3. Well i think that was quite a year!

    Love your painting pic...looked good.

    Honestly I'm so confused about the "date". Why were you breaking out of your own house?? Initially i thought you were running away from his place because it had been a disasterous date. Ha, now that is something i can relate to. I left a date once because the guy got so drunk at a party he fell through a glass coffee table and pulled a girl's shorts down :/

    Wishing you light and love for 2016

  4. I still would love to hear about the sneaking out! This might sound like total rubbish or whatever, but maybe it's a slight step forward in challenging your agoraphobia?

    It's good that your COPD didn't land you in hospital, but I didn't realise you've been on antibiotics for a good half of the year!

    I don't think moving out will fully solve the crisis. It's hard to comment on something like that but I personally think that would have to be one of the later steps AFTER it has been dealt with.

    Your hair is still gorgeous as ever. I wish mine were so long.

    Love <3 xxx

  5. Can I come hide out in that corner by the window because I LOVE YOU and the garden looks really pretty and we can avoid the whole world together. Exersize keeps my weight up too - you reckon it is muscle and the water the body holds onto when building/ destroying and rebuilding muscle? (my current panic eating isn't helping but i think the over walking has something to do with it too) I wish I could help more, but I am here, and I would so love to come see you so badly xxxx

  6. That very much made me smile :) I love you SO MUCH and you already do more than you know for me, honestly I am lost without you, you are my starsister and I am honoured that you are in my life :)

    I know right, when I saw that pana chocolate was from melbourne I was smiling to myself :) I like the idea of having these little bars as a treat and I'm so ready to get back on track now, even if that means staying in a house with yelling males... lol it is doing wonders for the PTSD. I feel like I'm getting on my GPs nerves, I replied back but I'm scared I'm pissing them all off now. SIGH.

    Hope you're okay, love you to the moon and back xxxx

  7. You are crazy talented with clothes. I'll be commissioning baby clothes from you if I ever have need of them.:)

    That is one hectic year. I hope this year proves a little quieter for you. <3

  8. "living on a crime scene is preferable to the unknown."

    That is true. I kept going home to my parents' time after time when I was between apartments. Better the devil you know.

    But it still sucks.

    Here's to a better 2016!

  9. hey, hey, hey. this post was posted...4 days ago. and here i am writing down some comments. the weekend just started here (last few lectures of today) and i am absolutely beat. but here's for commenting!

    also, just before any comment, of course - i never mean to offend you. i love you so much. you are the sunshine to my cloudy day.

    "nearly exactly 10kg down from last January." 10kg you did not have on you might i add on even though you know i was thinking it. it's weird that they are watching you drop without intervening. not even a little? that strikes me as odd. i know that they shouldn't expect you to jump forward in recovering, and eating properly and weight gain or the like and they know you are not in the headspace (i'd presume) but still, they aren't /saying/ anything? even if it's just to keep the option always there? i don't know. it's a little sketchy to me.

    i just want to say that i'm really sorry food is so difficult for you right about now. i hope that it gets better. and that you are in a place to start supplementing properly, and doing the things you should be doing, my love, my love, my love.

    "I think I was a tad manic, because I would not normally jump the fence to get in a car with someone I've only known online for a few days, let alone stay out until 7am. It was kind of surreal."

    ... what? is this Bella's blog?

    "I was prescribed antibiotics for 172 days out of the year." if you could see my face as i read that. if only.

    aye. agreed with Mich. talented, talented, talented girl with nice clothing. i pick up a pin and bleed without even having have touched any fabric. oi.

    i really hope you're able to breathe a little more this year. i'm glad that you've gotten into the new year safe and sound and intact. i hope this year the number of days you are on antibiotics decrease and that there are less chest infections. apparently, all those bad little bacteria have been trying to ask you out on a date. next time say no. obviously you belong to me. like i said ever since you said that one time that you couldn't imagine how debilitating a cough could be - i remember. and i remember it any time you mention chest infection. honestly.

    love you loads!!

    here's for a better year. hope you're sleeping well these days xxx

    -Sam Lupin

    1. Wow Sam i never thought anyone could get jealous over bacteria...

  10. The unknown HAS GOT to be better than the crime scene. Hope you can make that leap. Are you alright?

  11. The unknown HAS GOT to be better than the crime scene. Hope you can make that leap. Are you alright?

  12. Sorry no words lately ...I think of you regularly though! Love ya Bella. That beautiful little apron makes me smile every time I see it. So cheery. I hope this year includes less bacteria and less scary shit generally. Hug hug hug!!

  13. "WHY DOES YOUR BLOG KEEP DISAPPEARING FROM MY FEED?! Argh. Will try to fix it later.

    P.S, I love you."

    I DON'T KNOW. oh my God, i was wondering where you were at, my love, love, love.

    PS. I love you too. so much. it hurts.

    -Sam Lupin