Wednesday, 10 February 2016

The Good, The Bad, and the Manic

Last weekend, I managed to get out to see one of my few-but-precious friends (who really needs a blogname) for drinks, which was lovely. He accounts for probably 90% of my social encounters since I started blogging.

But before I get into that, due to popular demand (hah), here is the Sneaking Out story.

I'll keep it short, but at and of November, I got a friend request on Facebook. No one I'd met before, but we had a lot of mutual friends, and maybe spoke a few times sporadically over the years. We messaged for a few days, then one night, I can't even remember how, he decided to drive the 90 minutes from Melbourne to come see me.

Not wanting to, or knowing how to, explain my little adventure, I got dressed up and told him to meet me in the lane way. He waited by the garage, texted me, then I went down the backyard and jumped fence - skinning my knee on the way down. We drove back to his place, did things I'm not entirely proud of or sure why I did. I told him I'd have to be back by 5am, so mum wouldn't realise I'd left.

It was 6am before we woke up. So he drove me back, and as I opened the front door, mum had just woken up, and I panicked to explain where I'd been and who this strange person accompanying me was. Most awkward introduction ever. But her reaction?
    "Next time, just use the front door."

We went back to sleep for a powernap before he had to drive back home. When I woke up, I'd had seizure #2. Apparently I'd had a seizure, then went totally unresponsive for a good 15 minutes. I woke up to him asking if I was okay. In retrospect, this really pissed me off. He knew my mum was around. I could've been fucking dead, and he did nothing, said nothing, just waited...

When I got up, we made coffee and I told mum about the seizure and talked a bit in general. Before he left, mum told him, again, to just use the front door next time.

I really think I was manic at the time. There's no explanation for what I did. I'm still not 100% on identifying episodes, but Christmas time always seems to trigger one off. I only realise I'm manic after I do stupid, impulsive, dangerous, self-destructive things that I'd never do in a million years. I did leave a note before I left. No where too obvious, but basically saying if I didn't come back, I left with [name] of [town] around 9pm, but what's a note going to do if I ran into trouble?

Then, a few days later, was this 'date'. Ugh. What a fail. We made some pre-marinated roast with a side of sweet potato fries, which I nibbled at ("You must be starving!"). Then we went to a strip club to play pool (yes, we were actually playing pool) and have a few drinks. So romantic.

There was going to be a third meeting, but divine intervention got in the way. Mum was driving me to Melbourne, and we stopped for coffee on the way. Numb-nuts here decided it would be a good idea to balance my long black between my legs and take the lid off the add sweetner, while travelling 100km/h, spilling it all over my legs and skirt. Mum panicked and pulled over, and I decided "You know what? Let's just go home."

I know it was stupid and dangerous. Honestly, I'm embarrased by it, which is probably why I've put off posting for so long. I can't even explain it myself, let alone anyone else. I don't know why I did it. It's such a complicated and unhealthy issue, I've avoided even writing about. Is it self-destruction? For advantage? Because I can't say 'no'? Because I don't believe I can say 'no'? It's just a total mess. So I go along with it.

He isn't a good influnce. He makes me feel like shit. He likes how thin I am - no dramas - despite knowing I have AN. Plus, the fact he was talking about "I think I'm falling in love with you" and moving to Melbourne city so we'd be closer, teaching me to drive, after meeting me twice... something just isn't right there.

Now, on a happier note, last weekend I went over to see one of my friends, R. We watched a movie and I drank three glasses of wine and nibbled at a few rice crackers before my stomach decided to reject it's contents. I spent the rest of the night by the toilet. R got me his dressing gown, helped pull my hair up, made me a mug of ginger tea and rubbed my back. 

Unfortunately, this isn't uncommon. My stomach rarely holds alcohol these days, regardless of alcohol content or volume. Thankfully, R puts up with me. The first time, I threw up pasta all over his bathroom. 
  "S'ketti everywhere" he grinned

Eventually, I had to wake him at 4:30 to get a lift home. My sleeping patterns have been messed up since. 

It was just a nice break from all the crap that's been going on. I felt safe. I told him about seizure #2 and how my friend just sat and waited as I went unresponsive, not bothering to ask for help. 
  "What's his name, and can I punch him?"

I was having a heated discussion with mum the other night, so I took the leap and messaged him asking if he was free for a little. It was good to get an objective opinion. I spilt the beans about trauma, lack of appointments, and upcoming anniversaries. I felt safe, protected. 

Love you all. You guys keep me sane. Even when I'm not posting, I'm always reading, and commening when possible. Apologies for worrying anyone with my lack of posting lately, but I promise, I'm not about to go anywhere. I'm just not functioning. I've tried every day to blog, but just couldn't. It was only today I managed to drag myself to the bath and get myself freshened up for the first time in over a week (ew, I know, feel free to judge). I feel like I'm grieving, actual grief, for all that has been lost, but this post is long enough as it is. I'll try to update on appointment progress soon.



  1. my angel, angel, angelllll... i love you.

    also, i hope i didn't offend you with any part of this comment, okay? because i don't know if i will. i just have to make sure you know that i don't mean to if i do and that i would never deliberately say anything that makes you feel worse than you do because that's literally the last thing you need right now.

    yes, he really does need a name. i think he's earned it.

    the sneaking out story? oh my word. i can't wait.

    "he decided to drive the 90 minutes from Melbourne to come see me." who is this guy?

    "Next time, just use the front door." <--okay, this took the cake. it really did. oh my God.

    oh. he needs some seizure 101 lessons, doesn't he? i think your friend is a little thick. you don't need a medical degree to know that you shouldn't be letting someone seize for 15 bloody minutes.

    "I really think I was manic at the time." i agree that this might be a possibility. perhaps mention it to the GP?

    oh God. i wonder what stupid, self-destructive thing you're talking about. i want to ask but i think it's not a good idea. bad Bella. you should be taking care of yourself because you're just about the most magical thing in the world to me.

    strip club? pool...? *rereads paragraph* we don't do dates here so i can't assess but judging from the tone of your post, that's not a date. i can however verify that it's nowhere near romantic.

    "Numb-nuts here decided it would be a good idea to balance my long black between my legs and take the lid off the add sweetner," oh my God, he is thicker than bloody cake batter. where did this guy even come from? can he go away?

    he infuriates me. i'm seething. i literally am sitting here and trying to contain anger. i think he must've missed his frontal lobe when he decided to take that 90 minute drive.

    "S'ketti everywhere" he grinned <--i like this guy.

    "What's his name, and can I punch him?" <--i REALLY like this guy.

    you really do deserve to feel safe and protected. i'm glad that you have at least someone. even if you don't get to see him that often or whatever, but i really am glad that he made you feel good even if it's just for a little while. honestly, you need a break from real life sometimes. you really do. especially with all the drama that's been thrown at you recently.

    not judging about the shower thing. i've done it before when i felt like crap. promise.

    hey, you know, you don't have to blog if you don't feel like you can or comment or whatever. do things at your pace. i really mean it. you're really important and i don't want anything bad to happen to you. you're sort of an angel to me.

    -Sam Lupin

  2. I'm glad you went!! It wasn't that stupid or crazy or whatnot. I mean things happen and ffs you're totally allowed to go on a date with facebook buddy. Maybe I'm weird but i dont think that's stupid. You do have mates on common and the dude is unlikely to be a murderer. Although who can tell?

    Anyway we all take risks on dates. Btw i dont consider pool at a topless bar a date but what do i know. I can't play pool!!. But it's good to be crazy once in a while. Maybe its mania or maybe your subconscious just wanted to bust out for a while.

    About the dude.... if you don't like him, that's that then! Go with your gut instinct! I don't like the ED enablers. I met one ... total creep and control freak. Sounds a bit alarm bell ringy with the moving an all though i have had some fast moving romances in my time. BUT not that fast.

    We're a bit casual about seizures around here as i have an epileptic sister, like, it's just normal to me and i dont call an ambulance or anything like that. I would only call an ambulance if the seizure was continuous for 20 minutes. I'd like to hope the guy just had an epileptic sibling or something.

    I think the grief might be good. Maybe a good sign. A sign of change.

  3. Also glad you are ok. I was a bit worried.

    I think as well with the ED thing there are guys who are a bit fetishy with stuff like that. I suppose you know. It would be a total disaster to get mixed up in that.

    Anyway glad u ok

  4. Wow Bella
    I know you had already emailed me this story
    But reading it again
    I feel so concerned
    I would go with your gut instinct about this guy
    If he likes how thin you are
    That's a huge red flag right there
    That can't be good
    And it sounds like he doesn't have your best interests at heart
    But sweetie
    Please don't beat yourself up over this
    Believe me I have done countless silly things when it comes to guys
    To me
    It sounds like you just wanted to escape for a while
    Literally and metaphorically
    We all need a bit of relief from time to time
    And maybe this was your way getting away from the issues in your life
    Just please be careful Hun
    You are in a vulnerable state right now

    Please don't worry about not posting or not commenting
    We understand
    We get it
    And most of all
    We love you
    And it doesn't matter if you post once a day or once a year
    We will be here
    Always got your back
    And always rooting for you

    Take care sweet one x

  5. I know a couple of guys who I think have ED fetish type behaviour around girls. It's very unnerving to be around, and dare I selfishly say, makes me feel HUGE when they get started. I do think there's a warning there though indeed. The seizure thing though, man, how much of an idiot do you have to be? I'm so glad that you were okay though!

    I do love that mum was so blasé about it all; and I do think we all have moments outside of our usual characteristics. Maybe this was yours.

    And I feel like there should be some recognition that you a) got out of the house and b) went somewhere! (the strip club). Granted, circumstances may not have been ideal, but I personally feel there's some small victories here.

    Also love R for wanting to punch date-guy.

    Please be careful this month; we'll understand. I love you xxx

  6. Oh no, you had seizures again :( he should've woke you up! I'm glad you're- okay at least?
    The coffee-spilling thing wasn't really your fault though. I hope it didn't burn anything >,<
    Oh, no, he's not a good influence at all. That's moving along way too fucking fast (even though I'm quite old-fashioned on these things, still, that really is fast)
    The meeting with your friend sounded nice :) I'm happy you had a nice time with him!
    Eep, alcohol is gross :P
    It's your blog darling, take your time and I hope the days get better <3 take care dear.


  7. It sounds like you really needed to just get out, and you went for the first option you could think of. There was a point in my life where I deliberately made horrible and impulsive decisions because I actually hoped that one of those times I would get myself killed.

    He sounds unstable. Until you're in a better place, it might be better to keep your distance.

    If you don't eat enough before hand and while drinking alcohol, the general rule is that your stomach will say eff that and send it back up. I sometimes joke that beer was 50% of my recovery because I have to eat if I want to drink the beers I like (they're incredibly strong, like 12% abv), but it's probably true...

    <3 u

  8. Hmmm, I don't like the sound of this guy either. He sounds, well not quite right.

    I've always been a disaster when it comes to men and dating too so I can't really talk, but if there's anything I've learnt, then it's to go with your gut. If it doesn't feel right it probably isn't (ignored all that with horrible ex...)

    I also get the crazy impulsiveness thing though. Least your mum was cool about it.

    Sounds like you've got a good friend there though, and glad you managed to see him. Sorry the wine made you ill though.

    Glad you're back. I do worry!


  9. love you so much bella and sorry i hadn't seen this until now. i hope you're okay and remember i heart you with all my heart and more and you are my little skinny malinky special starsister who i am forever lost without xxx

  10. I would agree with all of the above statements about how this guy sounds like he is not a good idea.

    Also, can I say, I honestly think you are brave functioning with seizures. I have never experienced that, but a couple of my friends and my niece have seizures regularly, and no matter how many times I have witnessed them, they always scare me. I am not a very brave person and if I knew I could have a seizure at any point I would likely be paralyzed with fear to even leave my house. You are braver than you know for reasons you may not even realize.

  11. I'm glad you are ok. (I hope you are still ok)

    I'm also glad you went out! And I'm so happy you spent time with your friend R.

    Don't like the sound of the guy tho and also agree its probably better to have some distance there.

    Love love love dear Bells! xo