Saturday, 27 February 2016


This week has been intense. Within the space of just 22 hours, I went from being fine, to unconscious in an ambulance, to the ICU, and discharged again.

I think I took too many pills. Well, I know I did. But I honestly don't know if it was just trying to make the shit stop, or if I was trying to make it all stop.

I collapsed in the backyard. No seizures this time, I'm pretty sure, but I was completely unconscious. Mum called an ambulance.

I'm trying to figure out timelines between my notes and questioning my family. They said it all happened around 8pm, and I was home at 6pm the next day.

Much to my horror, the ambos cut off both my handmade-and-actually-fits camisole and the only black bra I had, but I guess that happens when they need access to your chest.

When I woke up some hours later, I was in the Intensive Care Unit with cables and tubes everywhere - even a catheter. They asked me if I knew where I was. I thought I was in private A&E, when really the ambulance had to take me to the public hospital, and I was in fact in the ICU. I wouldn't have recognized it now, nearly ten years after a particularly nasty OD landed me there for over a week.

Some things never change though. One of the nurses in ICU actually remembered me from the big OD.
"My gosh, you've grown!"

I was covered in different types of stickers, monitoring my heart, my breathing. A chest X-ray while unconscious showed no signs of anything being amiss. I went for an ECG, and couldn't help but smile when they said "Oh my god, there's nothing of you!"

Eventually, lunchtime rolled around. Unsure what I'd want, he brought with him a hot lunch, morning tea (Swiss cheese on crackers), and an Ensure. I screwed my nose up, and asked if they had vanilla. Unfortunately they did not, and I was stuck with chocolate. I managed just under 1/4 before it made me gag. I panicked and asked mum to bring the kitchen scales in so I could weigh the remainder. I also had two crackers with half the slice of cheese, a scoop of mashed potato, and a few peach slices. Hospital meals can result in truly crazy combinations.

As a nice gesture from the ambos, they came back to the hospital to return a bracelet that fell off during the hassle. I've worn it for the last few months, now on my upper arm to try to prevent it falling off. It never leaves my arm. It says "Tough Times Pass - Death is Forever" printed on a black band, with the phone number for Lifeline (131 114) on the inside, to support the Suicide Prevention Awareness Network.

Eventually, the psych reg came to talk to me. Thankfully the Horrible Psychiatrist was no where to be seen. She asked why I took the pills. Like I said, I'm not too sure. I told her about the 29th being a painful trigger, and that I just wanted today to be over. Between that and fudging my weight a little, she seemed pretty happy to leave me be.

On Monday, after hours of begging, they finally removed the catheter and cables. They brought me a walking frame, and we did a slow lap around the ICU. But it didn't matter - I could move! I could pee! How exciting.

After a sleepless night where time seemed to lose all meaning, I got word they wanted to transfer me downstairs. I just wanted to go home. It was a stressful move, and when we got to my new room, I lost it. I put my hands up in the doorframe to block the nurse from pushing the chair in. There were not one, not two, but four beds.

There was a lot of hassle between mum, the nurses, and various hospital staff. No, sharing with a lady does not make it easier. I wasn't even supposed to be there - they'd contacted the safe, private hospital hours ago to see if I could be transferred, but hadn't heard back. My ICU nurse went to make some phone calls and we waited in one of the day rooms for what felt like ages to hear what'd be happening.

The clock was ticking, and I knew dinner would be getting there soon. I crossed my fingers and hoped I'd be transferred or discharged beforehand so I could get back to my safe food routine ASAP, but before long, the same nice man who'd presented me with a mini smorgasbord at lunch came in with a tray.
"There you are! I've been trying to track you down."

This time, he bought two Ensures, Banana and Fruits of the Forrest - the only options he could find besides chocolate. Even though neither are flavours I'd drink, when he came to collect my tray, he told me to take them home with me. Another addition to the supplements collection.

For meal #2, I had the mashed potato, the diced carrots, a couple green beans, and more peaches, again skipping the protein/main dish, but it was better than nothing.

The nurse came back and shook his head. There's was not a single empty room in the hospital. No one had heard back about the transfer to the private hospital, either.
"I have to go home then. I'm sorry for wasting your time, I just can't stay."

One new experience I've had with this hospital admission, is the unpleasantness of pressure sores/bed sores. They kept turning me, but even still, in those 22 hours, I managed to get pressure sores on my back. They still hurt today. I had to change the dressings, and they're craters, like seven cigarette burns dotting my spine.

When I showed them to the dietician on Tuesday, she was shocked. She'd never seen pressure sores on someone so young, prompting her to up my goal intake to 500 minimum (it's been going up 50-100 every few weeks).

I think the scariest part is that I didn't really see it coming. Earlier in the day we'd been out for one of our tourist-esque drives the day before, stopping in at Ballarat for lunch. Outing #2 for the year, achieved. On the menu was a Cornish pastie and long black before heading back home. Then, that night, everything sort of fell apart.

Pressure wounds, the day I got home. Potentially the most awkward selfies I've ever taken. 



  1. (disclaimer: i hope none of this offends you. because i never try to offend you, my sweetness. i'm not sure why i always hesitate saying these in the comment box, but ah, i digress. better safe than sorry.)

    "I think I took too many pills. Well, I know I did." Bella, love, why must you do these things?

    is it just me that finds it a little creepy they remember you? then again, you're a very unforgettable, astounding individual. aye. now i know why.

    bad Bella. there should be more of you in this world. because you're just that brilliant. just to say that.

    oh God, that bracelet makes me so happy. by the way, it's true, you know. of course, you know. you're sort of incredible.

    the day sounds super long and relentless.

    i keep on wanting to pluck up the courage to try one of those Ensures, just to say i lived to tell the tale. we've got Vanilla. i think Chocolate anything besides melted chocolate in milk is a lie. chocolate protein shakes taste like chemicals. i remember this one particular brand that was so bad. i used to put it into my porridge and add a tonne of other things to mask the flavour. but aye, 40 grams of protein a scoop, am i right?


    i'm hoping you do stick to the goal she's upped you at. you really should. i had to look up what pressure sores are because the only "sores" i know are cold sores. after looking up a few diagrams, i summarise my reaction to them into two words: BLOODY HELL. they look seriously painful.

    i honestly am glad that she's been upping your calorie goal. i honestly think that's one of the best things i'll ever hear today. you need to put more in that little body of yours, you know? you really do.

    now take care of yourself, alright? don't get sent to the hospital this week, little bird. i need you to stay very much alive this year. deal?

    -Sam Lupin

  2. Aw Bella, please please take care. You're so precious, I'm scared to lose you. I'm always here for you if you need a friend. Love you to bits xoxoxoxoxo

  3. Bella, I've only been reading your blog for a short time, but I worry about you. I'm here if you just need someone to vent to, just let me know and I'll shoot you my email address.
    Much love,

  4. Hi Bella... you know me... I don't comment lots.

    But when I do, it's with a lot of love. And this time, with tears burning in my eyes. "Everything sort of fell apart."

    Oh love... isn't that always the way? Gentle, fleece-lined hugs from across the world. <3

  5. This sounds really awful my lovely. Love you always! Xo

  6. Sweet Bella, take care of yourself. I just want to sweep you into a blanket of caring, but alas, you are too far away.

  7. Those pressure sores look so painful; I hope they're healing okay.
    I worried about the 29th being a trigger for you- I'm glad you're 'relatively okay'- as okay as you can be (no offence meant by this, I hope you see what I'm trying to say!).
    What a pain that they never heard back about the private transfer. But it sounds like they tried to be somewhat accommodating, especially the food guy!
    The cornish pasty somewhat amuses me, as I never thought about anywhere outside the UK doing them.
    I love you <3 xxx

  8. Hi Bella,
    I just fell upon your blog recently and love the way you write. I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I wish you the best of luck with everything

  9. Oh sweet Bella. I always get so nervous reading your posts because I care and love you so much. Even though we've never met, I feel like we have a deep understanding for each other. That's why I check in on you every so often. You're such a beautiful soul. You deserve to be happy. You don't deserve all of this. I'm sending you love and healing vibes. Message me some time?
    XOXO Katie

  10. Oh sweet Bella. I always get so nervous reading your posts because I care and love you so much. Even though we've never met, I feel like we have a deep understanding for each other. That's why I check in on you every so often. You're such a beautiful soul. You deserve to be happy. You don't deserve all of this. I'm sending you love and healing vibes. Message me some time?
    XOXO Katie