I think I took too many pills. Well, I know I did. But I honestly don't know if it was just trying to make the shit stop, or if I was trying to make it all stop.
I collapsed in the backyard. No seizures this time, I'm pretty sure, but I was completely unconscious. Mum called an ambulance.
I'm trying to figure out timelines between my notes and questioning my family. They said it all happened around 8pm, and I was home at 6pm the next day.
Much to my horror, the ambos cut off both my handmade-and-actually-fits camisole and the only black bra I had, but I guess that happens when they need access to your chest.
When I woke up some hours later, I was in the Intensive Care Unit with cables and tubes everywhere - even a catheter. They asked me if I knew where I was. I thought I was in private A&E, when really the ambulance had to take me to the public hospital, and I was in fact in the ICU. I wouldn't have recognized it now, nearly ten years after a particularly nasty OD landed me there for over a week.
Some things never change though. One of the nurses in ICU actually remembered me from the big OD.
"My gosh, you've grown!"
I was covered in different types of stickers, monitoring my heart, my breathing. A chest X-ray while unconscious showed no signs of anything being amiss. I went for an ECG, and couldn't help but smile when they said "Oh my god, there's nothing of you!"
Eventually, lunchtime rolled around. Unsure what I'd want, he brought with him a hot lunch, morning tea (Swiss cheese on crackers), and an Ensure. I screwed my nose up, and asked if they had vanilla. Unfortunately they did not, and I was stuck with chocolate. I managed just under 1/4 before it made me gag. I panicked and asked mum to bring the kitchen scales in so I could weigh the remainder. I also had two crackers with half the slice of cheese, a scoop of mashed potato, and a few peach slices. Hospital meals can result in truly crazy combinations.
As a nice gesture from the ambos, they came back to the hospital to return a bracelet that fell off during the hassle. I've worn it for the last few months, now on my upper arm to try to prevent it falling off. It never leaves my arm. It says "Tough Times Pass - Death is Forever" printed on a black band, with the phone number for Lifeline (131 114) on the inside, to support the Suicide Prevention Awareness Network.
Eventually, the psych reg came to talk to me. Thankfully the Horrible Psychiatrist was no where to be seen. She asked why I took the pills. Like I said, I'm not too sure. I told her about the 29th being a painful trigger, and that I just wanted today to be over. Between that and fudging my weight a little, she seemed pretty happy to leave me be.
On Monday, after hours of begging, they finally removed the catheter and cables. They brought me a walking frame, and we did a slow lap around the ICU. But it didn't matter - I could move! I could pee! How exciting.
After a sleepless night where time seemed to lose all meaning, I got word they wanted to transfer me downstairs. I just wanted to go home. It was a stressful move, and when we got to my new room, I lost it. I put my hands up in the doorframe to block the nurse from pushing the chair in. There were not one, not two, but four beds.
There was a lot of hassle between mum, the nurses, and various hospital staff. No, sharing with a lady does not make it easier. I wasn't even supposed to be there - they'd contacted the safe, private hospital hours ago to see if I could be transferred, but hadn't heard back. My ICU nurse went to make some phone calls and we waited in one of the day rooms for what felt like ages to hear what'd be happening.
The clock was ticking, and I knew dinner would be getting there soon. I crossed my fingers and hoped I'd be transferred or discharged beforehand so I could get back to my safe food routine ASAP, but before long, the same nice man who'd presented me with a mini smorgasbord at lunch came in with a tray.
"There you are! I've been trying to track you down."
This time, he bought two Ensures, Banana and Fruits of the Forrest - the only options he could find besides chocolate. Even though neither are flavours I'd drink, when he came to collect my tray, he told me to take them home with me. Another addition to the supplements collection.
For meal #2, I had the mashed potato, the diced carrots, a couple green beans, and more peaches, again skipping the protein/main dish, but it was better than nothing.
The nurse came back and shook his head. There's was not a single empty room in the hospital. No one had heard back about the transfer to the private hospital, either.
"I have to go home then. I'm sorry for wasting your time, I just can't stay."
One new experience I've had with this hospital admission, is the unpleasantness of pressure sores/bed sores. They kept turning me, but even still, in those 22 hours, I managed to get pressure sores on my back. They still hurt today. I had to change the dressings, and they're craters, like seven cigarette burns dotting my spine.
When I showed them to the dietician on Tuesday, she was shocked. She'd never seen pressure sores on someone so young, prompting her to up my goal intake to 500 minimum (it's been going up 50-100 every few weeks).
I think the scariest part is that I didn't really see it coming. Earlier in the day we'd been out for one of our tourist-esque drives the day before, stopping in at Ballarat for lunch. Outing #2 for the year, achieved. On the menu was a Cornish pastie and long black before heading back home. Then, that night, everything sort of fell apart.
Pressure wounds, the day I got home. Potentially the most awkward selfies I've ever taken.