Thursday, 10 March 2016


I hate leap years, with a burning passion. This year may just be the most painful of all. Excruciating. The 29th. It's now been eight years since my abusive ex first hurt me. Twenty years since I lost my father.

Each year I sit down with my manilla folders full of chat logs, photographs, old blog posts and poetry, and read through it. I read bits and pieces out to mum. It's a sick and twisted ritual, but it's sort of a way of grieving. I honestly believe I died back then, that he killed me. I'm not the same person I was before I met him. I don't even go by the same name.

I want to cry, realizing that since it's a leap year, it's eight years ago, and it never gets any better.

I've bounced back from last weekend's OD pretty well. The pressure sores are starting to heal and I feel less weak in general.

But after last weekend's fiasco, my GP started me on weekly Webster packs, meaning there's no extra meds in the house. It's sad. It was only a year or two ago that mum stopped hiding my medication - everything from paracetamol to antidepressants - after my big OD when I was 12 (which I'll write about, for the first time ever, later this month to mark 10 years).

I did okay for a few days, more or less. Then I had another big slip up on Tuesday with Webster pack #2. My week's worth of meds was gone within a couple of hours. Normally I take seroquel of a morning, lorazepam of an afternoon, and more seroquel and oxazepam before bed, plus seroquel and lorazepam PRN. I thought I was going to wake up in hospital again. I don't know why I did it. I just wanted to make the pain stop.

Apparently I saw Jo later in the day, but I don't even remember. I thought she hadn't had any gaps. I went back yesterday, scared of what she was going to say. Scared she'd stop the benzos and tempt me to take other crap in it's place. She said I'm pushing it with the benzos, but for now, we're trying daily dispensing.

Yesterday was day one, and it didn't take long for me to pop them all at once. Last night, with no meds, I only slept two hours after spending the night doing step aerobics and marathoning Dr Phil. This morning she gave me the week of PRNs at once, and they were gone in one gulp, so now PRNs are to be picked to daily too.

She also said she's worried about my calorie intake, as my weight's been dropping consistently again for a while now. I'm having supplements pretty much daily, and it's still not enough. Although it's agreed it's the dietician's domain, not her's, not the psychologist, who I'll be meeting in a few weeks. In fact, the new psych doesn't deal with EDs at all, which is a blessing. She agrees the ED psychs go too hard and fast, and it simply doesn't work for me.

I've been texting the dietician these past couple of days. On Monday I didn't know what else to do or who to turn to, so I asked for her help. I didn't see her yesterday, partly to avoid being weighed, but I'm tried to get in to see her this afternoon. She usually has a couple of cancellations, but no such luck today. It feels like she's the only one I can talk to and who puts up with my crap.

I'm at a point where I think know I need support with my smoking. I just hope this new psychologist my GP has in mind will be able to help.

So that's about it for now. I just wanted to give you all a quick update, since I now suck at posting at least once a week.

Thank you guys for all your support, always. I honestly don't know where I'd be if not for the blogosphere.



  1. Oh sweetheart
    My heart goes out to you
    I can feel the pain in your words
    And I wish I could do something to help
    Please please be careful with your meds
    I know how quickly misusing can spin out of control
    I still give my meds to my mum
    And she doles them out to me everyone morning
    It really has helped me though
    Left to my own devices
    I will slip back in to old habits

    Rather than write everything I want to say here
    I will send you a little email
    Just remember we are all here for you
    We all love you
    And want the best for you

    All my love x

  2. Hun, I'm so worried for you. I wish I was there with you so that I could just scoop you up in my arms and make everything better for you. Please know that I am here for you, even though I'm thousands of miles away, if there is anything at all I can do for you, please, please reach out. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you oodles of love and hugs xxxxxxxxxx

  3. Have you heard of that therapy that you watch with your eyes and it goes back and forth and it seems like it's full of it but it's amazing for trauma healing? I can't look for the name because I'm headed to work but my mom did it because she had a lot of trauma from my dad and it has really helped her begin to heal. It had something to do with the switching from one hemisphere of the brain to the other and anyway it helps with ptsd. There's no time limit on grief but if I may say, it seems as though you force yourself to relive these experiences, not just grieve. It sounds like you're grieving for the person you were but you know, we're never going to be the same people we were a year ago or even eight years ago. Had I not been sexually abused I wouldn't be able to understand my clients as well or be someone some of my friends that were abused could talk to. Had I not had my ED I wouldn't be able to understand my limits and see truly how bad I was at handling emotions and feeling and how to do that in a healthy way and that it's okay to feel. Had I not been with my abusive ex, I probably wouldn't have met my wonderful boyfriend and been able to truly appreciate being treated well. All choices and experiences have an amazing capacity to become something beautiful. He didn't kill you. He hurt you in a way no one should ever be hurt, but I fear you'll keep yourself feeling dead when there isn't a reason for you to do that. You survived horrible trauma. I survived horrible trauma. The best revenge is to live a beautiful life with an understanding of depth that not everyone does. I can't speak to how this person feels or if he thinks about it and feels bad or if he went on with his life and forgot. Sometimes we can't get closure and we have to find it within ourselves, find that they are no longer there and can no longer hurt us physically and there is a strength within to grow. I hope and pray this didn't sound insensitive, it's just so frustrating to see you kill yourself slowly because of some asshole when you have unique hobbies and talents that you can utilize and share either he world. Just think about it okay? You're not hurting him by living this way and you're certainly not helping yourself. Be kind. It's never going to be a wonderful story, that time, but you being healthy and happy is and that's what you deserve.

  4. I just wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about you. I am sorry things are so hard.. I care about you (and so do many people) and worry when you are hurting. Let me know if I can be any help.

  5. Damn it, internet ate my comment. Anyway, I am so sorry you are feeling so low and that things are shit right now. I hope it will get better, I believe it will. One day.

  6. I hope things are getting better for you soon! Trauma is hard to deal with. Even When you think you're better, sometimes you find out you're not and it's just so hard. I'm not really sure what to say. *hugs* lots of hugs till you feel better

  7. He didn't kill you. You are a survivor. It does get better once you're ready to try and look it in the eye, punch it in the f*cking face, and walk past it. It never goes away entirely--as they say, time heals the wounds, but there is still a scar--but you can get to a point where it doesn't feel so soul shattering anymore. It takes an absurd amount of work, but it's worth it. I got there, and so can you.

    Writing about the sh*tty things is a great way to start trying to work through them.

    Keeping you in my thoughts luv. <3