Thursday, 7 May 2015


Last weekend was the overnight trip to Warrnambool.

The morning of the trip I was up at 3:15, feeling completely overwhelmed and scared, maybe a tad manic? Despite extensive lists and stressing about it for the week before, it took me until 10:45 before I managed to get everything packed and sorted and ready to leave. I've posted a picture and a bit of a description below of everything I packed, because it's a bit insane how many 'comfort items' I need for one night.

We got about 20, maybe 30 minutes out, and I realise I forgot my cigarette rolling machine. I panic, mum makes the executive decision it's easiest to just do a u-turn and go get it. I'd been up for over 7 hours, spent most of it manically packing, running around, checking lists, making sure I had everything... but no, that could not be.

We got back on the road, and after some two and half hours drive, finally got to the hotel around 3pm. Considering I was initially planning to leave around 9 and not do a u-turn, it was much later than expected. I'd spent more of the day stressing and packing (and forgetting to pack) than anything else.

As well as my mum, my brother and his girlfriend came along too. They were still an hour out, so we went into town to go shopping. I didn't get to all the shops I wanted to, as most of them had/were closing early, but I did check a few things off my list. It's the simple things that the anxiety and agoraphobia stop me doing at home.

There was a little newsagency still open, so we stopped in there. I would've liked to go to an Officeworks, but alas, there were none in Warrnambool and I didn't have the energy to go driving to find one. But I got a new journal, a bumper sudoku book, and a little address book, especially for you lovely bloggers who I have to pleasure of sending and receiving mail to/from.

The only clothes shop still open was Target, so I had a quick look in there for some essentials. I got a couple of little tops, which I'm sure you'll see at some point, a few pairs of undies, and two more pairs of warm fluffy socks.

By then it was pretty close to 5pm, so we headed back to the hotel. My brother called on the way back to let us know they'd gotten there, so we caught up with them for a while before getting ready to go out for dinner.

There's this amazing Italian place we go to when we're in Warrnambool, so naturally we went there for dinner. I didn't take any photos, but I'll post some of a previous visit, just because their food is so beautiful.

For starters, we shared a freshly baked cobb loaf with flavoured butters, alongside a small margherita pizza. I had their fettucini carbonara for mains, which is delicious but far too much to get through. My mum had their 250g eye fillet with garlic prawn sauce (beautifully presented), my brother had a pizza, and his girlfriend also had the carbonara. Oh, and the wine.

After we got back to the hotel, I ended up spiralling into a bit of a massive breakdown. It was a mess. I ended up locked in the bathroom, crying, smoking, self-harming, repeating over and over that I couldn't do this any more and none of it's okay.

It ended with me downing three each of seroquel and lorazepam. It was all I had with me, but left me short the rest of the weekend and Monday. I don't remember going to bed, but it can't have been before 2-3am.

I woke up feeling like hit. Somehow managed to get all my bags packed before mum woke up. The less said, the better.

This week has been nothing short of a nightmare. The plumbers have been here again. 3 out of 4 mornings have been consumed by extreme panic attacks, usually due to them not calling first before coming around the side gate. This is not helped by the fact it's different people again this week.

Yesterday was my favourite. They didn't call in the morning, we went out for a drive and came home to find them already here, I got inside and had a massive breakdown that lasted some hours, the plumber's boss called to apologize for not calling, then turned up himself (without calling) two hours after the other plumbers had left (without telling the boss).
Yeah. So that was fun.

It's just one of the scariest, #1 not okay, situation for me. To have people in the house. The last few weeks have just been constant fear and anxiety, and every morning before they even get here it feels like I'm going to die. Everything's just been so out of control it isn't even funny. It's just exhausting. Thankfully, mum thinks they're finished, so hopefully tomorrow won't be quite so bad.

As far as smoking goes, last Wednesday was also my first full day off synthetics in... 7 1/2 weeks. Yes, I've still been smoking since it the seizures, but I've only been smoking the one brand which I've used for some time now without too bad a side effects. I'm not stupid, I know that doesn't mean it's safe, but I suppose it's safer. Normally, I don't smoke synthetics anywhere near this often. I'd like to say the recent bender is purely due to lack of the natural stuff, which has been an issue, but it always seems to happen at this time of year during the trauma stuff. I actually made it to 46.5 hours before cracking.

For now, photos.

The suitcase (on the left) has my clothes and whatnot, with Hazel the bunny sitting on top.
In front is my handbag, a pencil case with random bits in it (tweezers, q-tips, nail file, oximeter, spare lighter and pen, etc.).
The little purple bag to the right is my makeup, with my coffee stuff sitting behind.
My journal, notebook, intake book and smoking book with a pen.
Shoes behind (I'm indecisive and don't get the chance to go out much, okay?), plus Coke Zero.
In front on my shoes are toiletries and smoking things.

If you think that's bad, you should see my packing list.

Spotted in Target - '2000 calorie' mascara. Impressive for only 9ml!



  1. you look stunning bella, and that food... wow! I love the mascara gave me a little chuckle i might just have to invest in some for my fast days lol. Don't worry about your packing I'm much the same so much and so little space. I'd love to pen pal you if your up for another xx stay safe beautiful

  2. What does 2000 calories mascara mean? Now I have to know. Does that mean my loans would be looking fierce because I could go for that. You're going to have to tell me because ill die if I doubt find out! :) im glad you went on the trip. Sure you had a set back but the key is that you did it. With anxiety and depression you gotta start somewhere. Great job B. Love you

  3. I'm terrible when it comes to packing too. I totally get it. You ate the food! It's a step. Maybe next time it will go better.

  4. You seem very well organized Bella!

    Glad you had an OK time. The steak looks great. I know you prefer soft meat though. Fettuccine does look tasty though.

    Lol plumbers. Don't expect them to understand. I'm sure they...tried....but they won't probably "get it".

    I thought some Target clothes seemed pretty nice this year actually.


  5. The food looks so delicious wow.
    When I pack, I freak out a lot, I have my clothes organised in to outfits and folded neatly and I slide them in to thin plastic bags with a card on the top with everything that's inside the bag (eg: Outfit One: Top (Gray), Underwear: black vest, black knickers, Leggings (black), Socks (white) )
    That's what was on one of my notes when I travelled to England and Scotland last winter.
    Everything is meticulous.

    By the way, you look stunning *-*
    Take care my dear, I hope you are feeling better and more relaxed, but despite everything I think you did impressively well.

    Mandy xx

  6. I have two stuffed bears that I use as comfort items so don't feel embarrassed. In any event good for you for makings the trip. Even though you had some setbacks it seems like you still were able to have a good time which seems like progress. I'm sorry about the situation with the plumbers. Honestly they should respect your home more and at least had the curtesy to call first. Anyway hope you're doing better now. And not for nothing but please try to find an outlet that doesn't involve self injury because, speaking from experience, one days you're going to look at those scars and be so upset that you damaged your body that way. Maybe try getting a tattoo instead. Same amount of pain with the added bonus of having a beautiful and interesting art piece to speak of. Anyway just a suggestion.

  7. What a god-awful week. I do hope it gets better.

    I have lists for packing too, and pretty much anything that needs to be done properly. I get so anxious that I forget the simplest thing. The interrail trip the boyfriend and I are doing this summer already has a hundred items and I'm not done yet.

  8. How does mascara even have calories?? I've seen that before and been bamboozled by it!

    I'm so proud of you for doing an overnight trip. You may have had a rough time, but you did it and you should be so proud of yourself because we all know how difficult you find things like that. And I hope the plumbers have finished now and hope that eases things for you at home.

    Thinking of you. Sorry not to comment for ages, I've been in hospital for a few months. Take care love

  9. i have to comment on this post. i felt like it was my rightful duty to do so. i have a feeling i'm not going to like this post from what you hinted towards me, but i hope i can say some things to make you smile.

    i had to look up what a cigarette rolling machine was.

    i'm so sorry that the packing had been so stressful, the planning - the anxiety. i could half imagine part of you wanting to go but a bigger part of you really just wanting to get it over with. poor sweetie. <3

    oh, i'm getting a package from you, aren't i? holy shit. i'm already blushing thinking about it. dammit. why do you all send me things? i offer nothing but my love, and you decide to repay it like it's treasure... thank you though. i quite like gifts.

    i am so glad you got to buy all these things and go to these places. i'm proud, proud, proud. i just really need to say that. this is probably such a huge thing for you, so i will acknowledge it as it is: you are incredible.

    that sounds like a beautiful meal. oh, speaking of mum's 250g you ever get this very strange urge of taking other people's food and weighing it up for them or is it just me? i get so excited when my father is on a diet because he uses the scales and he weighs his food. i find it so exciting to know how many grams of rice someone else is eating. anyway...

    aw, kitten. i'm so sorry. it probably got too much at that point, all the unfamiliarity at once. but i'm so proud that you did it. you tried, and it matters lots, you know? i'm sorry you felt like you had to hurt yourself to calm down, but i'm glad it's all past it now and you got to enjoy a little bit (at least in the beginning).

    "It ended with me downing three each of seroquel and lorazepam." my stomach genuinely hurt when i read this. i'm sorry that you were in pain. i'm sorry that you are in pain.

    oh, fuck. what the fuck is up with them? i know that they don't mean it, and it's harmless to them and it doesn't matter to them as much, but still...

    i think once you pick up habits like that, it's very hard to get rid of unless you genuinely really want to. and i think that's where a lot of people have trouble. i just hope you aren't feeling too poorly because of them and i'm glad that it wasn't 'that' one.

    ah, you take the Coke Zero and i'll sit here with my Diet Pepsi. also, i have to say - those shoes look absolutely stunning. and i've been wearing the same pair of shoes for a year.

    Bella, i'm hungry. why did you post those pictures?

    2,000 calorie in 9ml? hmmm. sounds like something i've made.

    you, of course, look as beautiful as always. you always do. of course, i will always say that to me, you look far too thin but i hope you know that. i find that repetition is reassuring. :)

    -Sam Lupin

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