The morning of the trip I was up at 3:15, feeling completely overwhelmed and scared, maybe a tad manic? Despite extensive lists and stressing about it for the week before, it took me until 10:45 before I managed to get everything packed and sorted and ready to leave. I've posted a picture and a bit of a description below of everything I packed, because it's a bit insane how many 'comfort items' I need for one night.
We got about 20, maybe 30 minutes out, and I realise I forgot my cigarette rolling machine. I panic, mum makes the executive decision it's easiest to just do a u-turn and go get it. I'd been up for over 7 hours, spent most of it manically packing, running around, checking lists, making sure I had everything... but no, that could not be.
We got back on the road, and after some two and half hours drive, finally got to the hotel around 3pm. Considering I was initially planning to leave around 9 and not do a u-turn, it was much later than expected. I'd spent more of the day stressing and packing (and forgetting to pack) than anything else.
As well as my mum, my brother and his girlfriend came along too. They were still an hour out, so we went into town to go shopping. I didn't get to all the shops I wanted to, as most of them had/were closing early, but I did check a few things off my list. It's the simple things that the anxiety and agoraphobia stop me doing at home.
There was a little newsagency still open, so we stopped in there. I would've liked to go to an Officeworks, but alas, there were none in Warrnambool and I didn't have the energy to go driving to find one. But I got a new journal, a bumper sudoku book, and a little address book, especially for you lovely bloggers who I have to pleasure of sending and receiving mail to/from.
The only clothes shop still open was Target, so I had a quick look in there for some essentials. I got a couple of little tops, which I'm sure you'll see at some point, a few pairs of undies, and two more pairs of warm fluffy socks.
By then it was pretty close to 5pm, so we headed back to the hotel. My brother called on the way back to let us know they'd gotten there, so we caught up with them for a while before getting ready to go out for dinner.
There's this amazing Italian place we go to when we're in Warrnambool, so naturally we went there for dinner. I didn't take any photos, but I'll post some of a previous visit, just because their food is so beautiful.
For starters, we shared a freshly baked cobb loaf with flavoured butters, alongside a small margherita pizza. I had their fettucini carbonara for mains, which is delicious but far too much to get through. My mum had their 250g eye fillet with garlic prawn sauce (beautifully presented), my brother had a pizza, and his girlfriend also had the carbonara. Oh, and the wine.
After we got back to the hotel, I ended up spiralling into a bit of a massive breakdown. It was a mess. I ended up locked in the bathroom, crying, smoking, self-harming, repeating over and over that I couldn't do this any more and none of it's okay.
It ended with me downing three each of seroquel and lorazepam. It was all I had with me, but left me short the rest of the weekend and Monday. I don't remember going to bed, but it can't have been before 2-3am.
I woke up feeling like hit. Somehow managed to get all my bags packed before mum woke up. The less said, the better.
This week has been nothing short of a nightmare. The plumbers have been here again. 3 out of 4 mornings have been consumed by extreme panic attacks, usually due to them not calling first before coming around the side gate. This is not helped by the fact it's different people again this week.
Yesterday was my favourite. They didn't call in the morning, we went out for a drive and came home to find them already here, I got inside and had a massive breakdown that lasted some hours, the plumber's boss called to apologize for not calling, then turned up himself (without calling) two hours after the other plumbers had left (without telling the boss).
Yeah. So that was fun.
It's just one of the scariest, #1 not okay, situation for me. To have people in the house. The last few weeks have just been constant fear and anxiety, and every morning before they even get here it feels like I'm going to die. Everything's just been so out of control it isn't even funny. It's just exhausting. Thankfully, mum thinks they're finished, so hopefully tomorrow won't be quite so bad.
As far as smoking goes, last Wednesday was also my first full day off synthetics in... 7 1/2 weeks. Yes, I've still been smoking since it the seizures, but I've only been smoking the one brand which I've used for some time now without too bad a side effects. I'm not stupid, I know that doesn't mean it's safe, but I suppose it's safer. Normally, I don't smoke synthetics anywhere near this often. I'd like to say the recent bender is purely due to lack of the natural stuff, which has been an issue, but it always seems to happen at this time of year during the trauma stuff. I actually made it to 46.5 hours before cracking.
For now, photos.
In front is my handbag, a pencil case with random bits in it (tweezers, q-tips, nail file, oximeter, spare lighter and pen, etc.).
The little purple bag to the right is my makeup, with my coffee stuff sitting behind.
My journal, notebook, intake book and smoking book with a pen.
Shoes behind (I'm indecisive and don't get the chance to go out much, okay?), plus Coke Zero.
In front on my shoes are toiletries and smoking things.
If you think that's bad, you should see my packing list.