New Beginnings

On Wednesday I had my first appointment with a new Mental Health Nurse.

We got there right on time. My GP said she'd meet us in the car park, but I couldn't see her when we pulled in. I panicked a little, I couldn't go in without her. Mum decided to go investigate, and as son s she got to the door, my GP popped out. She came straight up to the car door and ushered me inside. The MHN's office was the first door on the right, so thankfully I didn't have to go through the waiting room first.

I have actually seen her before in the past. I saw her for a while sometime around age 15 or 16. I had a couple of stints in inpatient around then (for depression/anxiety/trauma/everythingelse - this was before my ED), and she was one of the case workers that caught me after a discharge. I don't remember much about her. To be honest, all the people I saw back then kind blend together. But I feel like it means there's an expectation of me to ge along with her, to be able to talk with her, when it's really no different to seeing someone entirely new.

When I walked in she was waiting there, door open. She looked exactly like I remembered her, just with longer hair. There were three chairs arranged around her desk, and as we sat down, my eyes went immediately to the old dial scale sitting against the wall. I can't believe medical professionals, of all people, still use those.

My GP started with a brief rundown she'd written of my history. Starting from when my dad passed away when I was two, she rattled off a list of professionals I've seen, medications I've been on, diagnoses, admissions to medical, psych and ED wards, big life events, trauma, bullying throughout my school years, the big overdose, the different ways I've self-harmed over the years, COPD, the fact I never leave the house.

When she was talking about diagnoses & sections/treatment for Anorexia back in 2011, I felt a huge wave of relief wash over me when she said
"That's not the type of treatment that works for her. She's the kind of person who need more control over it."
And it wasn't just me saying it.

Before she left, my GP talked a bit about my sewing, cooking, things like that. I actually remember showing her some pictures of my sewing years ago on my laptop. I'll have to show her the new ones at some point.

She left shortly after that, but encouraged me to try to stay and talk with the MHN for a little. That didn't go so great. My head was full and overwhelmed and I just wanted to go home, and I shut down.

"What role do you see me having in your treatment team?"

"I don't know."

"Well, what did you and [the old MHN] used to talk about?"

"I don't know I don't know I don't know."

And I think she knew I was done for the day.

One of the things I was hoping she could help with was medication. She's a Nurse Practitioner, unlike the old MHN, and so can write prescriptions. But she said she wants to leave my GP as my main prescriber, and just be there to write scripts if/when I need them. So that was a bit disappointing. But I'm hoping I might be able to change her mind on that one. I need my main prescriber to be someone specialising in mental health, not my GP.

Before I left, we decided on appointments on a weekly basis to start with, at least for the first 2-4 weeks to build up a comfort zone and get to know each other. I'm seeing her again for 30 minutes next Wednesday.

So overall I guess it went okay. She's lovely, but I'm still not too keen on the idea right now. I'm kind of dreading next week without my GP there, but I guess I've just got to give it time. It's been some months since the last MHN left, and I've been lucky to've been given so long without. It didn't help getting me to see someone new after it ended on a slightly crappy note, both at our last appointment and after.
(She said she was going to call and catch up after a month or two. She never did. I'm a dumbass and even had a gift for her. But whatever.)

But, hey, you guys, I did it. I did it and it's done.

And thank you all for all your support lately, really, it means a lot to me. I'm sorry I haven't been so great with returning comments and emails. But I'd be totally lost without our little community.


xxBella