When I saw the dietician last week, she forewarned me that my GP had spoken to her regarding the fact she hasn't seen any weights in a couple of months, and would probably want to weigh me at our next appointment. She told me I'd have a choice of who weighed me, and understood if I'd rather it not be her, but honestly right now I just want to be left alone.
Then I had my regular double with the GP later that week. She didn't weigh me then, thank god. But she wants to see monthly weights, plus keeping a more frequent watch on OBs and bloods.
"We can't just go to zero monitoring."
And I know I've had a good run as it is.
I needed more dressings, and several recent unconventional self-harm wounds raised the subject of vaccinations. She wanted to give me a tetanus & whooping cough shot, plus another one that I've apparently missed. I still haven't even had my flu shot, and balked at the idea of getting that and the tetanus shot right then. But I'm seeing her again Friday to get some paperwork sorted, so I'll probably have to face it then. Part of me just hates injections, but part of me kinda wants to catch the flu (which is fucked up, I know).
We spoke about the new MHN, who I'm meeting tomorrow (eek), which kinda sucked considering I don't even want to think about it let alone talk about it. She started saying she'd basically just give a brief run down of my history, etc., but when she said the 'R' word, I snapped
"Can you please not use that word?"
I never thought four letters put together could be so triggering.
Then she wanted to discuss what other word she should use.
She's meeting me there at 1:30. She said she's had people telling her that she's doing too much and she shouldn't be going, but that they really don't understand the situation. All I could say was 'sorry'. Unfortunately, half of the time, I say 'sorry' because I feel too bad to say 'thank you'.
This morning I had a total breakdown on the dietician. It kinda came out of no where. She was asking why I was struggling with the Ensure & Forticreme, and I broke down crying. I said things I've held in for months. I told her I felt like I shouldn't even come to see her any more and I can't always have the supplements because it's all too much and I need to get this weight off.
"Even if you're not upping your intake or if you're losing weight, you should still come in. I still want to see you, and I think it's good for you to be around us who know you and can support you instead of just being alone with our thoughts. At the least, it might stop things getting worse."
"But I don't even feel like I can talk any more."
She said she understands I'm still upset and hurt about what happened, and that it must make it harder to see her each week
"I just need to get back to where I was last year."
"That's the Anorexia talking."
I was just a wreck. Crying that I didn't want to come to appointments any more, that I'm so tired of everything and just want to be alone. I haven't had a breakdown like that on her in... a long time, if ever.
She got my GP to pop in so we could all talk through it because she could see how distressed I was. The first thing she said was
"Have the tears stopped since Thursday, or have they just kept going?"
I told her how I don't think I should be seeing the dietician any more, and that I don't want to go see the MHN tomorrow because I'm just so tired of it all.
"Do you need to be in hospital?"
That sentence always makes me panic. Which is not the ideal reaction.
"No... I just want to be left alone."
"If you stop coming to appointments, you'll need to be in hospital. You know us, and we're here to support you, and I think you now that's the better option."
After lots of tears and tissues and back rubs, my GP took me to get the bloods done. She mentioned that she'd wanted them done last week, but getting out to do it was just impossible. My dietician gave me a hug on the way out, and said she'd be here next week, and hoped to see me.
Tomorrow is the big day, my first appointment with the new MHN. Both my dietician and GP said this morning that hopefully it'll be the start of things becoming a little easier, but right now I just don't know.