Tuesday, 19 May 2015


When I saw the dietician last week, she forewarned me that my GP had spoken to her regarding the fact she hasn't seen any weights in a couple of months, and would probably want to weigh me at our next appointment. She told me I'd have a choice of who weighed me, and understood if I'd rather it not be her, but honestly right now I just want to be left alone.

Then I had my regular double with the GP later that week. She didn't weigh me then, thank god. But she wants to see monthly weights, plus keeping a more frequent watch on OBs and bloods.
"We can't just go to zero monitoring."
And I know I've had a good run as it is.

I needed more dressings, and several recent unconventional self-harm wounds raised the subject of vaccinations. She wanted to give me a tetanus & whooping cough shot, plus another one that I've apparently missed. I still haven't even had my flu shot, and balked at the idea of getting that and the tetanus shot right then. But I'm seeing her again Friday to get some paperwork sorted, so I'll probably have to face it then. Part of me just hates injections, but part of me kinda wants to catch the flu (which is fucked up, I know).

We spoke about the new MHN, who I'm meeting tomorrow (eek), which kinda sucked considering I don't even want to think about it let alone talk about it. She started saying she'd basically just give a brief run down of my history, etc., but when she said the 'R' word, I snapped
"Can you please not use that word?"
I never thought four letters put together could be so triggering.
Then she wanted to discuss what other word she should use.

She's meeting me there at 1:30. She said she's had people telling her that she's doing too much and she shouldn't be going, but that they really don't understand the situation. All I could say was 'sorry'. Unfortunately, half of the time, I say 'sorry' because I feel too bad to say 'thank you'.

This morning I had a total breakdown on the dietician. It kinda came out of no where. She was asking why I was struggling with the Ensure & Forticreme, and I broke down crying. I said things I've held in for months. I told her I felt like I shouldn't even come to see her any more and I can't always have the supplements because it's all too much and I need to get this weight off.

"Even if you're not upping your intake or if you're losing weight, you should still come in. I still want to see you, and I think it's good for you to be around us who know you and can support you instead of just being alone with our thoughts. At the least, it might stop things getting worse."

"But I don't even feel like I can talk any more."
She said she understands I'm still upset and hurt about what happened, and that it must make it harder to see her each week
"I just need to get back to where I was last year."
"That's the Anorexia talking."

I was just a wreck. Crying that I didn't want to come to appointments any more, that I'm so tired of everything and just want to be alone. I haven't had a breakdown like that on her in... a long time, if ever.

She got my GP to pop in so we could all talk through it because she could see how distressed I was. The first thing she said was
"Have the tears stopped since Thursday, or have they just kept going?"

I told her how I don't think I should be seeing the dietician any more, and that I don't want to go see the MHN tomorrow because I'm just so tired of it all.
"Do you need to be in hospital?"
That sentence always makes me panic. Which is not the ideal reaction.
"No... I just want to be left alone."

"If you stop coming to appointments, you'll need to be in hospital. You know us, and we're here to support you, and I think you now that's the better option."

After lots of tears and tissues and back rubs, my GP took me to get the bloods done. She mentioned that she'd wanted them done last week, but getting out to do it was just impossible. My dietician gave me a hug on the way out, and said she'd be here next week, and hoped to see me.

Tomorrow is the big day, my first appointment with the new MHN. Both my dietician and GP said this morning that hopefully it'll be the start of things becoming a little easier, but right now I just don't know.



  1. Aw Bella dear, I just want to give you a hug.
    I hate that you go through so much and feel so bad, I really hope you are feeling better very soon.

    I'm so proud of you, despite everything you are feeling you still get up and go to your appointments.
    I wish you all the best and every ounce of strength I know you have (even if you don't feel it sometimes) for tomorrow, and I'm very glad you have such support from them, especially when they see you are struggling, and despite past mistakes on their part.

    Big big big hugs, thinking of you
    Take care my dear

    Lots of love <3,
    Mandy xx

  2. I am so sorry you're in such a bad place right now. It's probably not enough as a comfort, but it seems like your GP and others truly are looking out for you.

    I just wish I could take away the pain. You deserve so much better, Bella.

  3. It's not fucked up Bella
    I know what you mean when you say you want to catch the flu
    Sometimes I find myself thinking that I want to get sick
    So I can check out
    So I can be looked after
    I don't know if it's the same for you?

    I hope you get my package soon
    And that it cheers you up even just a little bit

    Hoping and praying for you

    All my love and hugs x

  4. Awww
    It is hard when people are disappointing. it stings like hell.

  5. I wish I knew something to say. All I can say is that I am here if I can help. You are amazing, dont forget that.

  6. "She said she's had people telling her that she's doing too much and she shouldn't be going"


    What are you meant to say to that?

    I really do consider it rude/moronic.

  7. Thinking of you and praying for you that your meeting with the MHN goes as well as it possibly can go. I wish I could take away your fears and anxieties about the first meeting, but all I can do is wish you well. You deserve a break from all this pain you're going through and I hope that seeing the MHN is your ticket to some inner peace and freedom. Sending you oodles of love and hugs xxx

  8. i love you, honey. i haven't even read this post yet. i just wanted you to know that i am consumed by love for you.

    honestly, that sounds frustrating. i would be so fucking annoyed at that. if someone told me that they had to weigh me (which i understand is a strenuous enough process on its own), and i'm battling all this shit then the last thing i'd want is them to be insisting on it. ah, Bells, i'd have fucking killed them. this kind of thing frustrates me to no end.

    maybe i am getting a bit too strung up...

    i hope you don't catch the flu. bad Bella. wanting to hurt herself, but i'm sad that you feel that way. :( i really am. i know i do deflect it whenever it is mentioned because i really don't know what to say. i know why, yet i wish it didn't have to happen to someone as incredible as you. i feel sick at the things that have happened to you and the way people have used you - you don't deserve to be treated like this. nobody does. and i'm sorry you are.

    oh, i'm sorry, Bella. i'm just keeping this here.

    "She said she's had people telling her that she's doing too much and she shouldn't be going" fuck those people. they make it seem like you're not worth it but you fucking ARE. apparently, you've gotten angry at everyone Sammy and wanting to put Bella in a nice, warm bubble where nothing could hurt her.

    sweetie, you don't need to lose a pound. you never did. i wouldn't change a thing about anyone.

    again, i feel hesitant to agree to anything she says and i, myself, feel like she cannot just bridge a gap like that with a few words. she can't just make that right at once. and i'm sorry that she did what she did. i can't imagine anything good coming out of seeing that one less person for your troubles.

    i love you, sweetie. i'm sorry things are hard as hell. you don't deserve that.

    i love you. and i hope that the meeting with the MHN goes alright. i would genuinely give anything to make you feel a little better. if there's anything (anything at all!) that i could do to make you smile, just let me know as i am here for you, you kind, brave soul.

    -Sam Lupin

  9. I feel like I should have more to say, but I'm struggling to find the words. I'm sorry that you're still having a rough time with it all; but, I think you have a great team (the fact that people tell her she's doing too much; the GP with back rubs) even if they say the wrong things and behave stupidly at times. Not excusing what happened, but I still think they care about you. <3
    I hope it went well with the new MHN. Love you beautiful <3 xxx