Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Under Pressure

It's been a month since I last saw the dietician. I haven't exactly had a lot of appointments left, except for the seizure drama. I feel like the pressure's on to get rid of as much excess as possible before next week. I'm down pretty much spot-on 10kg from the start of last year, with nearly 5kg having dropped since she last weighed me in November. I figure, whatever I weigh in at next week is what I have to maintain as a minimum, so I better make it as low as possible.

I saw my GP this week for follow-up on the seizures. I was nervous because it would mean coming up with a new plan for dealing with the recent trauma confession/crisis, since the Clinic fell through.

But there was no mention of counselling, or getting help in any way. She spent most of the apointment writing a letter to the neurologist and asking questions -- how much had I smoked pre-seizure, when did I last smoke, had I been smoking more than normal... She mentioned the seizures I had in ICU after the big OD when I was 12, and asked if I thought I'd had more seizure that haven't been picked up on (which is entirely possible, as coming out of it just feels like waking up.

She told me she'd spoken to my old ED psych, the one I ran into at the Clinic, and that she does really care about me and like me. Could've fooled me. I told her about the section threat and her blocking the door to stop me leaving, and my GP agreed that she really had no right to do so. I wasn't at immediate risk of hurting myself or oters, and they'd already discussed beween them that it would be a short admission for crisis/trauma/meds, not ED related.

There was no mention of going back to see the mental health nurse, or the counselling service specific to trauma. Last time I saw her, we talked about the MHN, and she knows what she did wrong and why I haven't gone back (telling me my mum must be tired - no, exhausted - of me), but she was waiting for me to bring it up. My GP offered to come to one more appointment to clear the air and hopefully get things back on track, but I don't know when that'll happen. I just don't want to sit 1-on-1 with someone who'll make the negativity even worse.

On the upside, I have new sleepers! I've been on temazepam for some 5 years now, and I haven't been sleeping well lately at all. A couple of weeks ago, I ran out over the weekend, and had one of mum's oxazepam. I slept like a babe. So I talked to my GP about it, and the new plan is to alternate one month on oxazepam, one month on temazepam, and hopefully then I won't build up a tolerance.

I'm on a repeat of antibiotics for this chest infection, and even with mum making sure I take them properly, it hasn't budged. The other night I woke up coughing, unable to breathe with 82% oxygen sats (normal is 99-100%)

I'm just feeling a little lost, as there was no word of Plan B with the trauma stuff. I hate it. It was the hardest sentence that's ever escaped my lips, but it's easier for everyone else to focus on the seizures rather than the abuse.

It's more than a breakdwn. It's a lifetime of pain and hurt and secrets bubbling to the surface, and it's killing me.

I can't wait to see the dietician next week. It's going to be so nice just to be able to talk to her again. Hopefully I'll have her apron finished by then.

My coffee was finally delivered last week! Unfortunately, they only sent 250 grams of the Italian Espresso when my brother had ordered a kilo, so I'm still waiting on that. I went through the first 250g bag in less than a week! Now I'm working my way through the Australian Black Mountain coffee.

Today has gotten up to 43°c (110°f), so I decided to experiment with cold brewed iced coffee, using the Honduras FTO beans. It comes out to ~40 cal per cup!



  1. Maybe she was waiting for you to talk to her because she's embarrassed and knows she messed up. There's the possibility that she feels guilty about it. I don't know, it was a crappie thing for her to say but we're all human. God knows I've shoved my foot in my mouth so many times that the time thing could be a closet. :) give it a chance. Maybe she'll surprise you. :)

    With regards to the trauma, I don't really know how your mental health stuff there works and I know a lot of places are working on becoming trauma informed. The treatment center I work at is specifically trauma informed care and so I see a lot of that coming in. They could be case planning when you aren't in the office and need to find the best way to proceed with it and in the mean time are working at the seizures as that could be most prevalent and lice threatening. Just a thought since I work in mental health. I don't feel pleased with you and your weight loss conquest but you already know how I feel about that business. I hope you know that I love you and I hope they can find a way to provide the best care. Aide note, have you ever considered vaping? Like using the electronic cigarette? I switched to that when I was smoking and it makes a world of difference and I think you should look into that. Nicotine but less junk going into your body and lungs. Mine felt a million times better.

    Ps, I'm jealous... It was literally two degrees for the past week and I've been an unhappy ice block. Hugs beautiful

  2. i've actually re-written this comment. and i've re-read it a few times. and i've spent 40 minutes writing it and re-reading it, and something's still a miss so hopefully, i've not said anything to offend you. i'd re-read it again but i don't think it would ever be perfect enough to post as a comment. c'est la vie and all that bollocks.

    edit: "must be at most 4,096 characters." thank you, Blogger, for being completely and utterly useless.

    i'm attempting not to say nothing to the weight loss jab in the beginning, but i will mention that i think your body is perfect the way it was meant to be when you were fuelling it with enough substance.

    i don't know how i feel about the GP meeting. honestly, i feel like it's in shambles. it's a mess. there's something a miss. it feels somewhat surreal even just reading it. like did this actually happen? seriously? was Bella actually there when this happened? it's kind of funny because i've never met them but i feel like something happened that's just out of character or something of the like. you know, like it's Hermione Granger deciding to break every bloody rule in the book because she can? sure, i'm reading it, but it doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

    "A couple of weeks ago, I ran out over the weekend, and had one of mum's oxazepam. I slept like a babe." you should've seen the way i smiled. it would've made the whole of Australia think i was a nutter.

    i hope your chest infection clears up soon. i don't know about you, but i like sleeping through the night without losing a lung from all the bloody coughing. i remember reading that comment you've left Charlie once about you knowing how debilitating a cough could be. i always remember that comment whenever i read that you've a chest infection. really made me feel so sad because you really shouldn't know such things. the things you've gone through are tremendous. it's unnerving the things that have been done to you. and unacceptable. and i hope one day you'll be in the right mindset to pursue actual recovery or find something that makes you truly happy. i promise you i am waiting for that day. and i truly think it's possible.

    i always think about it this way: if things could fall apart so much in so little so time, then why can't the opposite be true?

    that and: "when there's something going wrong, there's always something going right." somehow, that sounds far better than 'it could be worse.' that one makes me want to result to violence. still, that's better than the one that really gets me into a hypertensive crisis (i.e. 'you know you can't love anyone if you can't love yourself').

    "I'm just feeling a little lost, as there was no word of Plan B with the trauma stuff. I hate it. It was the hardest sentence that's ever escaped my lips, but it's easier for everyone else to focus on the seizures rather than the abuse." THAT'S what's missing. oh Lordy Lord. why did i just miss that? i think they've gotten to the point where they think that it doesn't matter what they say about it. that you'll just keep on abusing them? terrible thought process, but that's what i made sense of it.

  3. (Continued)

    sure, i don't want to deal with the abuse either if i was in their place but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't. no matter how fruitless they think it is to offer you advice, they should at least make it available. they should at least make it seem like they give a damn what you've put into your body. aside from food of course (i feel like at the moment, they should be focusing on abuse since it's a relatively important problem and it's the one that's most likely to effect you right now rather than the food/weight/ED aspect of things. not to say that they shouldn't be focusing on the food but it shouldn't be number one priority). i feel like they're just monitoring your habits without doing much at all. that's how i feel like anyway. there's no preventive measures. no "if you want to talk about this, we can talk about this", or "what do you want me to do for you about this? maybe that could give me a clue on what we should do next." i feel like they're just trying to do some form of damage control??

    i really wish i can offer you some sort of advice over this, but i can't think of much. i mean i can tell you not to smoke the synthetics, or to smoke less of them but i think i've once read Ruby saying those things before. but that's not quite the advice i feel like i should be offering you (not that i should eschew that advice completely. Ruby's advice was sound advice). i'll tell you what i always tell you: try your hardest to take care of yourself. do what you can do for yourself at that particular moment, because i don't want to lose you to anything. /especially/ not yourself.

    easier said than done, of course but it's at least advice i can get by.

    oh bloody hell.

    250 grams of coffee in less than a week? i think i'm a little ditzy. i had to cut down on my coffee use when i figured that it's apparently directed correlated to my anxiety levels (especially during exams). brilliant. i remember you saying you feel guilty for not letting medical students come in to your appointments during their training. here's why you shouldn't feel guilty: did i tell you that there was this one bloke in our class - he once drank so much coffee before an exam he ended up dehydrating himself and getting sent to the hospital on the day of the exam? oh, and he still made it to the exam by the way.

    i was going to open my phone to check the weather myself and i'm struck with the Australian weather. shit, so it's not 20 degrees Celsius, partly cloudy? i'm going to throw this bleeding phone away.

    i looked at the link for the cold brew. as you know, that's far too much work for me but enjoy it, love.

    -Sam Lupin

    PS. you know you could always chat me up whenever you feel like it. i'll try to respond as quickly as possible. just letting it out there.

  4. I feel as though the first statement shouldn't be ignored, but I hope you try to maintain your minimum at least.

    I'm quite surprised they aren't doing something to focus on the trauma; I mean, I would expect that they would try something but perhaps they're trying to get something sorted before they mention it to you? Somewhat far fetched, but perhaps. I too think they should be focusing on that confession for the minute.

    That coffee... I'm googling it later to see if I can get it. Not that I need any more at the minute. I'll have to send you some UK ones if you like?

    Sleep is good. I'm so happy that SOMETHING helped you! Not so thrilled you have another chest infection with such low oxygen though. Here's hoping you get through that pretty quick.

    43?! Bloody hell, I don't think I've ever seen 43. The hottest in the UK I can remember was 36C 11 years ago- which won't sound bad really, but we don't really do air con, plus the UK is pretty humid too. That said, I went for a run earlier and it was icy underfoot, so it was probably about 3C at most.
    LOVE cold brew coffee. In fact, I'm going to go make one. I love freezing cold brew ice cubes and adding them to almond milk or more cold brew in the summer.

    Love you Bella. xxx

  5. I wish I had advice for you m'lady. All I have is what I've learned from my own experience. With abuse and trauma memories, they're like milk buried in the back of the fridge. The longer it stays buried, the more sour it gets until it stinks up the whole kitchen. The hardest part is the first time you take those memories out and stare them in the face. It's a long and difficult road, but it is possible to finally reach a place where those memories no longer feel like mental hell. They're just distant memories of a thing that happened. I hope you can get there one day.

    You are a warrior. <3

  6. I LOVE YOU. I wonder if they're not mentioning trauma because of weight and BMI with you too? Clare kept saying I was in no place to deal with trauma at this BMI and you're less than me? I'm not sure just an idea. I wish I could snuggle up in a blanket and help you more. Know I love you. And I'm tempted to get on the next flight there and flee. What's your BMI with the recent drop? LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK xx

  7. They will prioritize the seizures then BMI over the trauma. Also i should add if you have any kind of copd, lung damage or emphasaema then lower oxygen sats can be normal for you. Like, for some older folks 85% can be their normal. I'm not saying it's good or fine to dip that low but i seem to remember you used to visit a lung specialist....anyway, hopr you ok. I'm glad you're talking out about your abuse story....very important. Xoxo

  8. I don't like your old ED psych, she seems dodgy :/
    I hope the new pills help you sleep better <3
    Oh dear, I hope the chest infection gets better.
    I'm afraid I don't know what advice to offer about trauma other than talking to your GP about it. Either way I hope it gets brought up soon.
    Wow, you sure do love your coffee a lot!
    Take care, darling. I hope things get better, I really do <3


  9. Thinking of you (I know I've been quiet the last few months)! Please take care lovely Bella! xox