It's been a month since I last saw the dietician. I haven't exactly had a lot of appointments left, except for the seizure drama. I feel like the pressure's on to get rid of as much excess as possible before next week. I'm down pretty much spot-on 10kg from the start of last year, with nearly 5kg having dropped since she last weighed me in November. I figure, whatever I weigh in at next week is what I have to maintain as a minimum, so I better make it as low as possible.
I saw my GP this week for follow-up on the seizures. I was nervous because it would mean coming up with a new plan for dealing with the recent trauma confession/crisis, since the Clinic fell through.
But there was no mention of counselling, or getting help in any way. She spent most of the apointment writing a letter to the neurologist and asking questions -- how much had I smoked pre-seizure, when did I last smoke, had I been smoking more than normal... She mentioned the seizures I had in ICU after the big OD when I was 12, and asked if I thought I'd had more seizure that haven't been picked up on (which is entirely possible, as coming out of it just feels like waking up.
She told me she'd spoken to my old ED psych, the one I ran into at the Clinic, and that she does really care about me and like me. Could've fooled me. I told her about the section threat and her blocking the door to stop me leaving, and my GP agreed that she really had no right to do so. I wasn't at immediate risk of hurting myself or oters, and they'd already discussed beween them that it would be a short admission for crisis/trauma/meds, not ED related.
There was no mention of going back to see the mental health nurse, or the counselling service specific to trauma. Last time I saw her, we talked about the MHN, and she knows what she did wrong and why I haven't gone back (telling me my mum must be tired - no, exhausted - of me), but she was waiting for me to bring it up. My GP offered to come to one more appointment to clear the air and hopefully get things back on track, but I don't know when that'll happen. I just don't want to sit 1-on-1 with someone who'll make the negativity even worse.
On the upside, I have new sleepers! I've been on temazepam for some 5 years now, and I haven't been sleeping well lately at all. A couple of weeks ago, I ran out over the weekend, and had one of mum's oxazepam. I slept like a babe. So I talked to my GP about it, and the new plan is to alternate one month on oxazepam, one month on temazepam, and hopefully then I won't build up a tolerance.
I'm on a repeat of antibiotics for this chest infection, and even with mum making sure I take them properly, it hasn't budged. The other night I woke up coughing, unable to breathe with 82% oxygen sats (normal is 99-100%)
I'm just feeling a little lost, as there was no word of Plan B with the trauma stuff. I hate it. It was the hardest sentence that's ever escaped my lips, but it's easier for everyone else to focus on the seizures rather than the abuse.
It's more than a breakdwn. It's a lifetime of pain and hurt and secrets bubbling to the surface, and it's killing me.
I can't wait to see the dietician next week. It's going to be so nice just to be able to talk to her again. Hopefully I'll have her apron finished by then.
My coffee was finally delivered last week! Unfortunately, they only sent 250 grams of the Italian Espresso when my brother had ordered a kilo, so I'm still waiting on that. I went through the first 250g bag in less than a week! Now I'm working my way through the Australian Black Mountain coffee.
Today has gotten up to 43°c (110°f), so I decided to experiment with cold brewed iced coffee, using the Honduras FTO beans. It comes out to ~40 cal per cup!