Saturday, 9 April 2016


I've been home from hospital for a little over  week now. I've been trying for write for a few days, but it took me until this afternoon to even get started.

When The Lung Doctor Man gave me the all clear to go home, he said he'd talk to my GP about increasing my dosage of lorazepam. He told me about how, in the old days, that' why people smoked cigarettes - to deal with their anxiety, the same reason I smoke both tobacco and other things. Then benzos entered the scene, but no, they were bad because they're addictive and you become dependent on them. But, as he said, it's better to be on a higher dose and risk addiction/dependency than be to bee to anxious to function (or smoking to deal with that anxiety).

But when I saw my GP this week for follow-up, she didn't seem too keen to raise my dosages. I had to beg and plead for her to give me a script for PRN oxazepam like I'd had in hospital, just to try for the next two weeks until I see her again, because I feel it'll be a huge help in cutting back my smoking. But she wants me to choose one or the other, lorazepam or oxazepam, because otherwise I'm going to start pushing it with the government. Which sucks, because ideally I know which combination I'd like to try.

Maybe things will change when I start seeing this new psychologist. I was supposed to go with my GP to meet her last week, but due to obvious reasons, it had to be postponed. Now it's set for the 20th. It was going to be this Wednesday, but I'm already booked in for a 3-hour sleep deprived EEG (follow-up on the seizures), and so may not be in finest form by the afternoon, and the week follow it is a MRI (again, because of the seizures).

I also saw the dietician this week. She let me off the hook for weighing for one more week, which I'm thankful for given I was bloated and blocked up since leaving hospital and no longer having IV antibiotics constantly flushing me out.

As for food, breakfast and lunch fell off the cards as soon as I got home, though I'm trying to keep up with lunch, dinner, and two snack. I'm struggling to pick up the supplements again since getting home. In hospital I was at least having a little 150ml Milo with breakfast most days.

I'm slowly settling back into routine at home. I'm really struggling without the extra PRNs, but I'm just taking things one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time.

For now, my focus is just on getting through each day, preferably with the least stress possible. Keep food going in. Try to do some sewing. If I can get through until after dinner without smoking, great. If not, then at least I tried my best, and will move onward and upward tomorrow.

tl;dr, I'm not dead. Thank you guys who checked in.



  1. I'm sorry to hear that things have been tough :( But nothing is permanent... right?? Even tough times like this will pass sooner or later. So hang in there girl. Love you. xx

  2. I am glad you are home and on the mend. I've been worried lately sbout uou snd about the meds and smoking and your lungs. You sound more positive. Just like you.. one day at a rime. We can't chance the past, and the only way to change the future is taking as many right steps.

  3. Yeah, the smoking thing is tough. I managed to quit for a total of a week before I was back to my old ways. The other stuff isn't so bad for me because I can't always get hold of it, but tobacco is. It's entirely psychological at this point too, because the ecig helps with the whole nicotine addiction side of things. More if I'm in the house, or when I'm out and I need five minutes to calm down and all that :( Hope you find a way to quit/ cut back.

    I'm glad you're back home now. Sorry you're finding things tough.


  4. Glad you're home and trying to get better. I hope you can keep uo with some meals, your body desperately needs it.

    Do lots of sewing. You are CRAZY talented at it. And you need to take care of yourself to keep up with your sewing, so that on the off chance I have children, I can commission some gorgeous outfits for them.

    I hope you can make some headway on the smoking. I quit for just over a week and went back to it, not so much because I felt I needed a cigarette, but more because I like that particular method of dealing with stress. :/ It's a tough crutch to give up.

    Love you, and so do a ton of others. Don't forget it. <3

  5. i love you so much, my love.

    keep on going. i hope the GP budges soon and that the benzos are helping you cut back. agreed that it's better than the alternative, especially with the damage that it's been doing to your lungs!! i hope one day you'd be able to eliminate them, but as you said, one day at a time, one moment at a time.

    i hope that the benzos really do help, and if they do, that the GP would budge a little.

    i'm on #TeamBella.

    you can do this, my love. it's so refreshing to read this post. i think i've read it a few times without really commenting. you do sound a little bit more positive and i hope that you keep this up!!!

    get back on those supplements as quick as you can, missy miss.

    you know what?

    i keep reading this: "For now, my focus is just on getting through each day, preferably with the least stress possible. Keep food going in. Try to do some sewing. If I can get through until after dinner without smoking, great. If not, then at least I tried my best, and will move onward and upward tomorrow." this actually makes my heart happy.

    keep it up, madame. i love you so much.

    i love you so so much.

    i would literally have that paragraph tattooed on my body if not for the fact that it is too long and i don't really feel the need to ink my body. it is a little controversial whether tattoos are even allowed in my religion because it besmirches what "God gave you" as a body.

    -Sam Lupin

    PS. i hope the chocolate helped power you through for that EEG missy miss.


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