Life, Death, and Everything Inbetween

About six weeks ago, in the lead-up to being admitted to hospital, our family suffered a painful loss.

Our family is small. Sure, I have cousins and aunts and uncles, but I could walk past them on the street and not even recognize them. Those I can truly call family are rare and precious. For the most part, it's just the three of us, but there are a few extended family members who I consider truly a part of my family - not just strangers I'm related to.

On the 11th of March, my Great Uncle passed away.

Mum lost both of her parents as a teen, so her aunt and uncle became honorary parents, and in turn, honorary grandparents to my brother and I. Her brother, supposedly my uncle, was already married with kids, and they lost contact while he went to live his life and mum was left to pick up the pieces. Even at the funeral, she barely recognized him, and he was taken aback when she eventually recognized and went up to speak to him.

Apart from my Great Aunt and Uncle, I had grandparents on my father's side. My Grandma passed away when I was a baby, just a year or two before my dad. My Pa passed away when I was 16, and since then, I've feared the day my Great Aunt and Uncle go.

The guilt is nagging. It's got to be at least a year since I saw him. Ever since I was diagnosed with COPD and Bronchiolitis Obliterans, I've had near-constant infections, and not wanted to risk getting him sick when his health's been so fragile.

The worst part, is that I couldn't get to his funeral. It kills me. I put off hospital as long as I could, hoping I'd be able to get there, but on the 21st of March, the day of his funeral, my breathing was so bad I couldn't safely stay at home any longer, and couldn't walk for long enough to be able to push myself to go. I posted a couple of pictures on the online tribute though, and I wanted to share them with you guys.

I'm planning to go visit my Aunt this weekend. I feel terrible that it's taken me so long to get over there, but the past few weeks seem to have just been hectic. I'm worried I'll crack and start crying on her, and I really don't want to upset her. There are so many tears that haven't been shed, and I'm worried I'll breakdown when I see the empty corner where his armchair once sat.


As for everything else, I didn't want to bring down the positivity the last post seemed to have, but I hadn't gone to an appointment in two weeks - including the psychologist appointment and MRI I was supposed to have. When I saw the dietician this week, it was the first thing she asked about as she clicked through my notes.

  "Oh! And your appointment with the psych's this week?"
I covered my face with my hand  "It was last week"
  "How did it go? Did you go?"

I shook my head, and told her that was the main reason I didn't see my GP either - because I don't want to deal with anything, or think, or talk. I don't want to hear her disappointment that I cancelled the psychologist again, I just want to close off and hide away. I mentioned that the psychologist was also a financial strain, and she said she'd talk to my GP, let her know what's going on and find someone who bulk bills.

I ended up forgoing my regular coffee beans, and instead spent the money on a big jar of instant and the appointment with the dietician instead. Otherwise, it would've been a month with no appointments with anyone, and I couldn't make it that long without support.

As for the MRI, I found out last week that the 'sedation' they offer is just lorazepam, and I'm to just take my own meds since I take it every day. I'm hoping when I do see my GP, she'll be able to offer me something a bit stronger, since I don't think lorazepam will be enough (or at least, not at my regular dosage). Being stuck with my head in a tube with loud noises for 40 minutes with little-to-no sedation, having to stay perfectly still? I cannot see that ending well.


Tomorrow is my birthday. 23. I'm really not too sure how to feel about it. I don't have any plans, except for maybe going out for dinner with the family, or even just having a few quiet drinks at home. The joys of having an entirely online social life.

My dear Great Uncle

As a baby, he was the only one who could instantly
stop me crying as soon as he'd pick me up

xxBella