Sunday, 17 April 2016

The Ultimatum & Sleep Deprivation

On Wednesday I had another EEG done, as further investigation into the seizures. This time, it was 3 hours long, and required I stay up the night before so I'd be in a sleep deprived state with a higher chance of abnormalities in the results. They stuck electrodes all over my head, and I just leant back in the recliner, pulled the blankets up, and killed the time reading.

I've had a terrible time sleeping this week, not helped by withdrawing from synthetics and insane coffee consumption. Last Sunday, I stayed up all night, slept Monday night, stayed up Tuesday for the EEG the next morning, slept Wednesday and Thursday night, stayed up Friday night marathoning the new season of Unbreakable, and slept last night. So essentially, I've only been sleeping every second night, and staying up all through the day.

On Tuesday, the dietician weighed me for the first time in a couple of months. At home that morning, I was 44.3kg (97.6 lb, BMI 12.8), and 45.2 clothed on her scales. Even though I've gained back a couple of the kilos I lost in hospital, where it got as low as 42 (92.5 lb, BMI 12.1), it's actually the lowest weight on record. Before AN, the only time I remember being weighed was after my big OD just before I turned 13, which is over ten years ago now.

She asked how I felt about it, and I told her I probably don't want it to drop much further, as my GP would intervene, but I also don't particularly want it going back up.

I also took my full set of measurements, so I've updated my stats here. I tried to use my body fat percentage monitor, but it said I was outside the measurable range (which is bullshit, because it's supposed to read from 4.0% - 50%).

I mentioned before that my coffee consumption has been slightly insane. After being on instant for nearly two weeks in the hospital, I hit it hard when I got home. I'd been drinking up to 20 cups a day in hospital as a substitute for smoking. Whenever I wanted a smoke, I'd make a cup of coffee. When I came home, I went through a kilogram (2.2 lbs) of coffee beans in seven days. Usually, it'd last twice as long. But I've been drinking lots of coffee and smoking lots of cigarettes, which has kept me off synthetics for over a week now (which mightn't sound like much, but it's the longest I've gone in... probably a few years now, with the exception of hospital) and keeping the natural stuff (mostly) to after dinner.

I've had a hard time motivating myself to do much these past few weeks. It hasn't helped that, when I left hospital, I was taken off the PRN oxazepam, which had been my lifeline without smoking. My GP gave me some when I caught up with her, after much begging and pleading, but only once a day. She also wants me to choose between the lorazepam and the oxazepam, when The Lung Doctor Man had me on, and recommended to my GP, both.

She said the benzo situation might change when I start seeing this psych, but I don't know when that will be. It was supposed to be this Wednesday coming, but being the day before payday, I don't have that kind of money just sitting. So it was cancelled.

I'm absolutely dreading facing my GP on Thursday.
Mum said  "Move forward or move out."
But frankly, my health is no more of her business than her's is mine, and I don't really care to discuss my health with her at all - mental or physical - as it just leads to arguments.

This weekend, she's gone away to visit her friends for a couple of nights, which is a much-welcomed break for both of us. I've just spent it quietly on the couch, marathoning Disney/Pixar movies and re-playing Terranigma for the millionth time on SNES.

This week, the dietician is away, and then I see the GP on Thursday for our regular catch-up. Next week I need to see the nurse to get my tongue frenulum piercing taken out for the first time since it was pierced 6-7 years ago (because going to my piercer in the middle of town is out of the question), because it's in too awkward a place to get my hands in, and I have a MRI next week.

The GP mentioned bolt cutters.

Billy and Misty actually sharing a chair when I got home



  1. Sleep deprivation can be the worst! I always find my lorazepam comes in handy for that, because it allows me to relax enough to nap for a little bit..
    I totally understand the excessive coffee drinking as well... I'm going into my exams, and caffeine is the only thing that keeps me alive enough to function.
    Sending you love and hugs xx

  2. I need to ask, by synthetics, do you mean synthetic weed? Because that can cause seizures. It's extremely dangerous for you to smoke that at all. If you want to partake in that, that's fine, I don't think it's a horrendous of a drug now and then, but you really really need to stay away from the fake crap as that is a horribly bad decision. If your doctor doesn't know that you smoke that stuff then they're searching for a potential cause that's right in front of them. I'm really adamant about this because you know I've worked in substance abuse and I see what that along with all the dangerous substances can do. I'll stop mothering you on this but for goodness sake smoke real stuff and not that.

    As far as your mom situation goes, it's a tricky one. I can see why this is frustrating, and it's a bit different because she's not just your "roommate" she's your mother, I think she's been there for you but it's not like I'm there every day seeing how you guys speak to each other or how it was before. I have empathy for her because parents love their children and I can't imagine what having a child with a mental illness is like, literally flirting with death. My mother was a wreck when I was severe in my eating disorder and she would cry, check to make sure I was breathing, all of that and there wasn't anything she could do, so I do understand where your mom is coming from and I hope that you can look at it like that, even though you don't have kids. Is this worth damaging a potentially great relationship you could have with her?

    I don't know if there's anything I could possibly say that matters at this point. You have to want to be well and tackle the trauma and come out on the other side. You have to want to find that reason worth living for and passions. I just beg you to think about it and to not let your family relationships become damaged past fixable because I think you could have a really great life, become an advocate, pursue a dream, anything, but you have to want that for yourself and no one else wanting it for you is going to mean shit.

    I love you.

  3. Thinking of you Bella! Billy and Misty are super cute! Hugs to all of you from little old me! xoxox

  4. The situation with your mum is definitely a tricky one. I don't have kids, so I cannot possibly imagine how she feels, other than she's probably living in a state of abject terror at the possibility of losing you.

    Like Eve said, you need to want to get well, and I hope you can find that within yourself. You've been living a half life for so long, I bet it feels impossible to even imagine living life differently, but there is SOOOOOO much life to be lived beyond the chains of ED's and trauma and everything else. There is so much joy and adventure and happiness out there waiting for you to claim it. You CAN fight all of this and take your life back, and really LIVE; I know you can. Weight is meaningless when you compare it to all the living you could be doing. Trauma is a scar and a history and nothing else if you can find the will to confront it and punch it in the f**king face.

    Your life is your own war. No one can fight it for you. There will be victories and there will be losses, but no matter how hard life gets and no matter how many losses you sustain, you can still win the war if you keep fighting. F*ck the ED. F*ck the trauma. F*ck everything else that tries to keep you tied down. They can't destroy you if you don't let them. You're a million times stronger than you know. Pick up your battle axe and destroy all of those things that hold you back, because you're worth it, and LIFE is worth it. You're too clever and talented and extraordinary to give in to the darkness.


  5. Love you loads Bella. I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up like before. I've been posting on Instagram instead of blogger. Blame Amanda 😛. I'm so proud of you! A week is AMAZING. xoxo


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