Friday, 19 December 2014

Osteoporosis and Failed Outings

I saw my GP this morning. Among other things, she had the results of my bone density scan.

I have severe osteoporosis in my left femur, moderate in my right, and mild osteoporosis in my spine.*

We didn't talk much about it. The dietician is the better person to talk to about supplements and nutrition and exercise, obviously, but she wanted to give me the news first.

It's been a long time between scans for me. It didn't help that I had this referral sitting on the fridge for a year before I made the appointment. The last scan I has was in early 2011 in ED inpatient, just after I was diagnosed with Anorexia, at which point I hadn't been sick for even a full year. No one ever told me the results, and I don't think my GP even has a copy either, so I assume it was fine back then. 

It wasn't long until I was cracking jokes about hip replacements and fall risks. I said to mum, that at least now I have an excuse for my shamefully dwindling posture. Let's just hope I don't start losing my height.

*(According to the printout, a 'T-Score' below -1.0 is Osteopenia, and below -2.5 is Osteoporosis. My T-Scores were -3.7, -2.9 and -2.5)

Then there was the whole shopping trip fiasco on Sunday.

To be honest, I don't remember much of the day. I didn't realize until a couple of days later how little I remembered. It was shitty and full of stress, and the only crutch I had for dealing with breakdowns was my lorazepam. I didn't even think about how much it was adding up until I got home and realized I'd had six or seven. Normally I'd only have two, three on a particularly bad day, so I'm pretty sure that's why. It was just those stupid little triggers that seemed to send me spiralling.

The drive itself was nice. It's some two and a half hours each way, but thankfully mum likes driving and I like car trips. The scenery is beautiful. We drive inland (you can go via The Great Ocean Road, but it's a killer for my anxiety), so it's just lots of hills and paddocks and empty space.

I was looking for a gift for my brother, and we drove around for a while looking for different shops to try, but for each shop there was a reason not to go into it.
I did get my cheeses for the dietician though, eight different types of cheddar (photos below). Mum got another 5kg, unsurprisingly, so hopefully we'll be stocked for a while.

And on Tuesday I saw the mental health nurse. She was finding out later this week, but she seemed pretty definite that she'll be leaving in January or February. She thinks the senior doctors at the clinic will throw and uproar about the services being taken away, so they might be able to find a way to keep seeing a select number of patients, but it's all a case of 'wait and see'.

Going somewhere else just isn't an option from me.

It just sucks. For a bit of history, I started seeing the dietician in June 2012. At that point, it'd been nearly two years since I'd seen a doctor. It took me 8 months of her pushing to get me to start seeing a GP. After that, it was another 16 months before I could see the mental health nurse, who I only met this June. Apart from hospital and sections, I hadn't seen anyone from the mental health field for so many years... maybe five? And now it's all going to shit.

Everything just feels hopeless. There is no plan, no path, no one to help.

The whole week's been pretty hard. My mood's been plummeting and I haven't slept much at all the past three nights. Sorry for the disjointed post. Finding words is like pulling teeth. I warned mum last week that I'm liable to cry because of anything and everything right now, and I am.

Boo the Bunny stowing away in my bag

There's three types of plain cheddar - Tasty, Extra Tasty and Vintage. Then there's the flavoured cheddars...

To show you what they look like; left to right, top then bottom, these are Tomato & Chive, Garlic & Pepper, Chilli, Cracked Pepper, and Herbs & Spice cheeses.

This is probably the last I'll post before Christmas, so if I don't have the opportunity otherwise, I'd like to wish you all a safe and happy Christmas, even though I know that's a longshot for a lot of us.

All my love,



  1. i hope this isn't a post that will make me sad. <3
    I hope you don't start losing height either. I mean, you have such an awesome height. here's where I think i'm pretty covered (bone density - apparently, according to every single person I've met, I have a pretty impressive bone density. runs in the family. my mother is 180lbs with a 31" inch waist, and this lady is 4'11-5'0". which is know, pretty damn impressive!)
    breathe in, babe. one step at a time.
    I think one thing about any mental disease, it is so difficult to project everything into the so-called future and make it seem as bleak and as horrible as possible. especially with depression. it's a mental game with it. a swing from thinking the worst in the future and remembering the worst in the past, and that just makes me feel fake or just not there. or something. it's damn annoying. take a deep breath.
    don't apologise for you posting. don't say something like "this is all I post" or that you're a broken record. you are a lovely person, in a really bad situation and you're still in that situation even though you deserve to find all this happiness. and i'm sad. also, there is absolutely nothing that you have to do, sweetie. nothing at all. you can do nothing all day. it doesn't mean anything if you don't do anything that day. you are not useless. you are astounding and do not feel any sort of pressure to respond back to me. <3 i just feel like i really have to say this. to me, this is so obvious but i feel like you might need the reassurance. i hope you're not exercising too much and that you're taking breaks. and if you don't exercise on a day, it's okay. i also felt the need to add that on. i love you.
    WAIT. DID I JUST HEAR FLAVOURED CHEDDAR? those exist? fuck. go to Australia, they should say. they have flavoured cheddar.

    i love you too.
    also, yeah, have a merry Christmas!
    and if it helps, i know i'm not having a bad Christmas - mostly because i don't celebrate it. and i didn't even bring it up until i saw the end of your post. sometimes, i forget it even exists even though everyone's going maniac about Christmas and stuff.

    -Sam Lupin

  2. Happy Christmas Bella.. Lets keep them crossed so that 2015 is a much better year than 2014.


  3. Bella,

    Please be careful about the osteoporosis. The femur especially as it is a bone that produces blood. If you get a fracture in the femur it can lead to a blood clot and the outcome can be...devastating. I'm glad you can joke now but please take everything they say serious and take the vitamin d-calcium supplement you are bound to get. I've seen this firsthand and it's bad.

    Have a good time at Xmas with your family. That's what it's all about. Never mind the hype.

  4. Boo is so cute peeking out there in your bag :) I'm sorry to hear about the osteoporosis :( I wish someone would stick and stay and help and I wish the MHS wasn't such a joke. It's a joke and it isn't funny anymore. This news sucks so bad and Milo and I want to cuddle you and Boo and protect you forever. I absolutely love you to pieces, I hope my little letter thing arrives, there was nightmares with the post service over here so if it doesn't get there it is on its way but everything was delayed. I wish I could help more you are so special to me and I love you so much xxxx

  5. Dear sweet Bella,

    You know, it's hard to find words to write something when you see someone you like going through so much and you know that nothing you can say will keep that person from drowning.
    I wish I could though, I wish my words were like magic and I could write you a line that would give you back a glimmer of hope. If only... júst a glimmer mean so much, right?

    When I read I picture things in my head, certain feelings I get for instance. When I read what you wrote, I sort of get a picture of you in my mind (as pretty as the one with the nice clothes you posted) in a really tiny steel box. With no way out. Stuck in/at every angle.
    And when boxes have lids, no one get reach out a hand and help pull you out.....
    I wish ..... so much Bella... so much....


  6. No, this is not a good time for many of us... In two weeks time it'll be a new year. Let's hope for a better future.

  7. That is awful news to get Bells
    I am truly so sorry
    I just hope that things will even begin to improve for you next year
    You are too important
    Too special
    Too lovely a person
    To be lost to this illness
    I love to see photos of you
    But you look so sad
    So lost and hopeless
    Please know that I am holding on to hope for you
    And I will never stop believing that there is a better future for you

    I know it's hard
    But I will wish you a happy Christmas anyway
    And I have something to send you in the new year

    All my love sweet one x

  8. I'm sorry about your scans! Does your osteoporosis cause you pain?
    You should definitely talk to your GP or dietician about calcium & vitamin D supplements, and you should go for walks! I'm not sure what your exercise regimen looks like, but weight bearing exercise is really good for your bones, as long as your doing it in moderation.

    Well regardless of everything else, you look fantastic! I just love that hair. :)
    I hope you're doing well otherwise, I miss you!