Friday, 12 December 2014

'Tis the Season

It's that time of year again. I've been kind of avoiding even talking about it until now. Part of me wishes I could just go to sleep, skip it all and wake up in January.

I finally put up the mini Christmas tree yesterday. Better late than never. I kept Misty with me and teased her with tinsel and baubles to lighten the mood a little.

It just makes me sad, and I don't know why it makes me so sad. It always has. I've sat here for ages trying to write some sort of coherent reasons as to why, but the words aren't coming. I don't know how to explain how I feel.

Seeing all the decorations around when I go out in the car, trees, hearing carols on the radio and the hype on TV for the last month or so,.. it starts to feels like something that happens to the rest of the world but not me. I can only see it through glass. Even with the few half-hearted decorations I put up, it feels empty.
I try to be a part of it, try to find the happiness and joy that's supposed to come alongside the holiday, but each year I just feel sadder and sadder.

On top of it all, I feel so unorganized, so overwhelmed. I'm struggling to write my Christmas cards because I don't want to accept that it's only two weeks away, that the New Year's nearly here.

I don't even know where this post is going.

I'm trying to plan my last outing for the year, sometime in the next week, which is more of a chore than anything else. I've quickly run out of time to reliably order presents online, so mum and I are going on a drive to pick up some things. We were planning to go today but I just didn't feel up to it.

Going out locally is still too terrifying to face, so we're going to go on a bit of a day trip. We're also going to go by the cheese factory so I can get a selection to make a little gift basket for the dietician. She's been so good to me for the past two and a half years, it feels important to give her something, and she loved the wax-coated vintage cheddar I bought her after one of our trips.
And besides, we kinda need more cheese soon anyway.

When I saw the dietician this week she told me she's going to be away for two weeks in January, meaning three weeks between appointments. Part of me is horribly anxious, but part of me is excited, and both for the same reason, because it means three weeks with no one to hold me accountable.
It's been a long time since she's missed an appointment, but I think it's only the second time in the 2.5 years I've been seeing her that she'll have been away for two weeks in a row.



  1. X-mas, meh. I sent two cards, both to the wrong address, it turned out, and I have yet to tell my family I'm not coming over for the party. I've bought my boyfriend one paltry gift because I just can't go outside and it's too late to order things from the net.

    How will we survive the next two weeks?

    I try not to think about it.

    (we can't use tinsel anymore because the cats eat them and then we have to pull out string from their butts)

  2. Hi there darling Bella, I'm sorry I haven't been commenting much, but I'm always here reading.
    I completely understand what you mean about Christmas, I can't explain why it makes me sad, it just does.
    Take care of yourself over the next few weeks lovely, you're in my thoughts <3 x

  3. I'm glad you were able to put up the Christmas tree. It may feel hollow, but it's still a positive action. I hope the trip to the cheese factory goes well! Mhm vintage cheddar sounds fabulous. I finally took the fake nails off today. They were tearing, and I was tired of gluing them back on. It saddened me to see how little they've grown in the past week... however, I did bite them down to bleeding, so any amount of white on the end is a good sign. I'll send you a Christmas card sometime this upcoming week. Let me know if you're able to send one! Also, please send it to the home address I sent you. Keep on posting, love! We will survive the nail-biting, skin-picking, body-defacing tics, and will keep on moving. XO

  4. I think you're brave, putting up the tree, despite everything holding you back and all the emotions and memories the month of December brings with it...
    Everybody tells you that this month is all about the holidays and every commercial tells us to be jolly and happy and cheery, but that's just so general. For some people it's the most difficult month of the year and it's just about surviving....

    Take as good care as you can Bella....
    (L) from the Netherlands

  5. I feel it too Bella
    I've been pretending all year that I am looking forward to Christmas
    But really I feel just like you
    Well done for putting up the tree though
    I know that must have taken a lot out of you
    You are a trooper

    He he I have to laugh when you mention the cheese factory
    I know you and your mum go there every so often
    I guess it baffles me a bit because don't eat cheese
    But if that is what you are able to do the you do it girl
    I'm not making fun at all
    I hope you know I would never do that

    So much love to you x

  6. Hi, new follower here.Gotta say i know the feeling but i hope you will have nice christmas in the end.
    Btw, love the little jack skellington ornament