Wednesday, 24 December 2014

The Final Countdown

Tomorrow's the day. It's Christmas Eve, and today has been a mad dash to make sure everything is organized. I don't really want to talk about it much right now. I just hate this time of year. I feel so... empty, so filled with regret.

It's been a busy week. On Sunday night I went out again. When I went out to dinner with my mum, brother, and his fiance a few months ago, it was decided we should do it again, next time with the addition of her parents.

I was stressing about it all week, but in the end I would've felt too guilty if I bailed out again. I won't go into detail, but they've been together for a few years now, and Sunday was the... third time I've seen her in that time. Yes, I'm a horrible person, I know, but such is anxiety. I hadn't seen her parents in even longer, maybe six or seven years.

I panicked when we got there. My brother was going to take us in first, before his fiance's family got there, but they were already seated when we arrived. It was okay, just not the Optimal Situation for Anxiety Minimization that I always like to plan for.
The idea of being in a group of more than 3-4 people is still just terrifying. How long's it been since I've sat in a group of six people?! Ugh. Five years, at least.

I felt pretty awkward for the first part of the night, but alcohol always helps, and boy did I have a lot of 'help'. I had a lot of trouble following conversations, too distracted estimating, sizing up, counting, and stressing about the food that comes without nutritional information.

Overall, I ate a pappadam, 1/4 naan bread, 3 spoonfuls of rice and 5 pieces of diced lamb from the rogan josh. I had maybe 600 calories plus the wine. I never eat that much in a sitting. I tasted a bite of the biryani and a different type of naan, but I wasn't feeling too adventurous at all, avoiding the 'new' dishes. We ordered a Nutella naan to share for dessert, and it was around then that everything went black.

I woke up at 4am the next morning, still dressed, wrapped in three blankets, covered in sweat. I went to have a shower, and the first thing I noticed was that I wasn't bloated. I was empty. That was the first sign I was sick the night before. Physically, I felt fine. My mum and brother kindly filled in the gaps over the course of the morning.

I told them I remembered having a glass more than half a bottle of wine (his fiance shared), then one extra glass...
"One glass?! More like three!"
What? No! Yes. I ordered an extra glass while the fiance finished her last glass, then we both had one each, and then I ordered a third one...
"So when did the Nutella naan come in?"
"After the second, during the third glass"

Thank you all for your feedback on my last post. I really do appreciate your support and care, more than I could ever express. I know a few of you mentioned supplements. My GP said to talk to the dietician about it, which I did yesterday. She hadn't received the news yet, and her face dropped when I told her my T-Scores.
"What does the GP want you to do with supplements?"
"...she said to talk to you."

After thinking about it for a while, she said she wants Jo to advise on calcium and vitamin D dosages because they'll be quite high. I still haven't been able to take the pills, and I'm not certain I'll be able to take the powders in my coffee with my Fibersure either, but we'll see what happens. She's going to call one of the ED psychs for advice, without mentioning my name, since he'd see it more often than my GP. She said some of her other patients with EDs and osteoporosis are on hormonal therapy, which was one of the 'recommended treatments' on the printout, but again my GP didn't really talk to me about it much at all.

I stacked her cheeses in a gift bag with a souveniour tea towel and fridge magnet draped over. She gave me the biggest hug.
"See, when I first met you, there's no way you'd have let me do that. I'm gonna enjoy it while I can." as she gave me another

And I actually went back a few hours later to deliver a chocolate cake a Christmas gift for the clinic. Over two days, I made two triple layer chocolate cakes, sandwiched with homemade buttercream and coated with semisweet ganache. It's a long story, but basically last year I took in a slice to give to my dietician, and in the process accidently crashed their Christmas party, so I decided I'd make them a whole one this year.

The whole week has been pretty busy and stressful. I'm losing entire days to panic attacks and breakdowns. I'm so overwhelmed, I don't have time to breakdown. I'm just exhausted. I want to crash so badly. After tomorrow I think I need to have at least one day of doing absolutely nothing and just hibernating.

I got all frocked up for dinner, and even wore my hair down since it wouldn't be getting blown around or messed up.



  1. Well, sweet Bella, I just wish you the strength to get through this difficult time of year....

    And I really love your pretty cake, the clinic people must have been so happy?


  2. Hey darling, I'm glad you made it through dinner, even if you had a lot of "help" it could have ended up worse, maybe. I hope your Christmas turns out wonderful and even if it's stressful, remember you're loved and do what you can. Love you so much hon.

  3. I'm so proud of you! Seriously that was such a big challenge and you made it through the best you could. HUGS. Now build a nest and give yourself some much deserved chill time. Loves you! xo