When I saw her this week, after six weeks of her absence, she told me that her job mightn't be there next year. It hit me like a bombshell.
After struggling to talk for the first half of the appointment, I just started crying. As much as I don't feel she's helping me much, I've at least had hope that she might be able to. She told me she's got a bad feeling that her job will go, and she'll know in a couple of months, but wondered if I'd like to be introduced to someone new.
"[My GP] said no one was going to leave."
I just don't have the energy to see someone new. My GP had to push so hard to get me to see someone from the mental health field, and it's still so hard to get to each appointment. The thought of having to see someone else, most likely outside of my safe little clinic, is just too much.
After that it seemed like there was even less point in saying "I don't think this is helping me, this is what I need help with", if she's not going to be there.
I did try mentioning my problems with taking supplements again, since I still haven't been able to take the calcium, vitamin D or iron, but the only advice to take away was that 'vitamin D might help with my depression'.
When I left she asked if I wanted her to make another appointment for me or if I could do it myself. I chose the latter, but it just feels pointless when she'll be gone soon. And I know her job isn't officially gone yet, but there's no point in being optimistic. At least this way, I can't be disappointed.
But after another Christmas/New Years-triggered breakdown last night, mum said she thinks I should see the MH nurse at least twice over the next few weeks if I can. I told her it all feels so pointless, but she thinks I could use the extra support to get through the Christmas/New Years depression. I think it gets harder each year.
The rest of the week has passed in the blink of an eye. I'm trying to post more often. Really, I am. I started writing this post two days ago, but everything is just such a push right now. My thoughts are fragmented. The days seem long and sad. I'm tired and I'm afraid and I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to hide away and disappear.
I miss the life I used to have when I was even more isolated, although I know it isn't good for me. I used to be completely isolated, lying in bed all day because my bedroom was safe when I had my ex there, rarely leaving, watching the same stupid movies and playing the same stupid video games, smoking weed, constantly dozing off, not eating, not moving, not doing anything. I never had to do anything and time seemed to not exist. My eternal twilight.
It's the closest to invisible I've ever achieved.
P.S, Thank you all for your responses to 'anaschallenge's comments. They just make me angry, and replying anymore than I already have would just be wasting my energy on someone who doesn't deserve it. All I have to say is that any further comments will be deleted.
Oh, and this.
Fuck it all
Don't give a shit anymore
Fuck it all
Fuck it all
Flip the table, screw you all
I don't take
This bullshit anymore
I don't give a fuuuuuuck
Your challenge never bothered me anyway