Saturday, 6 December 2014

Easy Come, Easy Go

I know the mental health nurse hasn't been of much help to me lately, but fuck.

When I saw her this week, after six weeks of her absence, she told me that her job mightn't be there next year. It hit me like a bombshell.

After struggling to talk for the first half of the appointment, I just started crying. As much as I don't feel she's helping me much, I've at least had hope that she might be able to. She told me she's got a bad feeling that her job will go, and she'll know in a couple of months, but wondered if I'd like to be introduced to someone new.

"[My GP] said no one was going to leave."

I just don't have the energy to see someone new. My GP had to push so hard to get me to see someone from the mental health field, and it's still so hard to get to each appointment. The thought of having to see someone else, most likely outside of my safe little clinic, is just too much.

After that it seemed like there was even less point in saying "I don't think this is helping me, this is what I need help with", if she's not going to be there.
I did try mentioning my problems with taking supplements again, since I still haven't been able to take the calcium, vitamin D or iron, but the only advice to take away was that 'vitamin D might help with my depression'.

When I left she asked if I wanted her to make another appointment for me or if I could do it myself. I chose the latter, but it just feels pointless when she'll be gone soon. And I know her job isn't officially gone yet, but there's no point in being optimistic. At least this way, I can't be disappointed.

But after another Christmas/New Years-triggered breakdown last night, mum said she thinks I should see the MH nurse at least twice over the next few weeks if I can. I told her it all feels so pointless, but she thinks I could use the extra support to get through the Christmas/New Years depression. I think it gets harder each year.

The rest of the week has passed in the blink of an eye. I'm trying to post more often. Really, I am. I started writing this post two days ago, but everything is just such a push right now. My thoughts are fragmented. The days seem long and sad. I'm tired and I'm afraid and I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to hide away and disappear.

I miss the life I used to have when I was even more isolated, although I know it isn't good for me. I used to be completely isolated, lying in bed all day because my bedroom was safe when I had my ex there, rarely leaving, watching the same stupid movies and playing the same stupid video games, smoking weed, constantly dozing off, not eating, not moving, not doing anything. I never had to do anything and time seemed to not exist. My eternal twilight.

It's the closest to invisible I've ever achieved.

P.S, Thank you all for your responses to 'anaschallenge's comments. They just make me angry, and replying anymore than I already have would just be wasting my energy on someone who doesn't deserve it. All I have to say is that any further comments will be deleted.

Oh, and this.
Fuck it all
Fuck it all
Don't give a shit anymore
Fuck it all
Fuck it all
Flip the table, screw you all
I don't take
This bullshit anymore
I don't give a fuuuuuuck
Your challenge never bothered me anyway



  1. I hope it's okay for me to reply....

    I have been reading your blog for a while but I just can't find the words to tell you something worthwhile. But now, I feel I háve to, because you seem so lost, and so without hope, and I imagine how the news about the MH nurse must feel...
    So I at least wanted to let you know that I feel for you, I wish your head and the toughts within would give you some room to breathe, instead of making it so hard for you and panic all the time. And I wish that some kind of magic pill existed of which we would be sure it would be effective for you... I really do...


  2. It's so hard to lose someone you are just starting to get comfo with. As you say even if deep down we feel like they might not be able to help with everything, but the fact that you got someone you can trust enough to talk to, is a huge deal. I still feel lost after my GP moved to another town. My last visit to the doctor confirmed how sad it was to lose her.

    I hope everything works for the best, maybe the new person will be just the right one.. Take care hon.

  3. I am sorry about the mental health nurse. I hope she is able to keep the job. I do think maybe help with the holidays might be good. I know I struggle this time of year. I don't even know why really.

    Could you talk to your GP to see if there's any other help you could get if the mh nurse isn't around? I know meeting new people is hard. I have thought a lot about finding a new therapist, but I hate the idea of starting over with someone and managing to trust them.

    I have gone through periods of total isolation. Sleeping until afternoon and then just staying in bed. It helped me to leave the apartment for just anything. Every few days going to the drugstore or just anywhere. I never talked to anyone at those places, but just being around people helped a little. I also had to set a goal for when I had to get out of bed, even if it was just to sit in front of the computer. I don't know if any of that would help, but I do sometimes miss that isolation still.

    Take care of yourself. You can get through this.

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  6. Oh no that sucks so bad. I think focusing on self help stuff is important. So you don't give up completely. Risk of abandonment after starting to trust someone in therapy is the most terrifying vulnerable thing and I'm so sorry it's happening to you. I know it's hard but try and do something nice for yourself. You are a wonderful kind hearted person and I love you. Don't disappear completely okay? HUGS.