Saturday, 29 November 2014

The Bone Scan and the Horrible Psychiatrist

Yesterday I had to go into the hospital to get a bone density scan done, which I was much overdue for. I'd been anxious about it all week because it was my first time setting foot in the public hospital since my last encounter with the Horrible Psychiatrist* three years ago.

I joked with the dietician that I should wear a disguise.
"If I just wear bright pink, no one will recognize me."
"If you were wearing bright pink, even I'd walk straight past you."
Spoiler alert: I didn't wear bright pink.

She tried to reassure me that it'd be highly unlikely that I'd run into him, until I told her about my last admission to the private hospital this June (for my lungs). They'd just opened their new emergency room that very day. I sat as mum sorted out the paperwork, feeling relieved that I could finally just go to the emergency room when I need to. And then he walked in, the Horrible Psychiatrist. Cue panic. He wasn't even working there! So yes, stranger things have happened.

The lady who did the test was nice. She explained that the scan would check my spine and hips, and fired questions at me. I had to stop and think when she asked how long I've been without a period. I was 16 when I first went on birth control and lost my period completely, so five years. The Implanon lasted for three years, and by the time it was due to be replaced, I'd had anorexia for over two years. It was never replaced, as an 'experiment' to see if I could actually get a period. I still haven't.

She asked if I'd ever had a bone scan before, which I have, when I was in ED inpatient three and a half years ago. She asked if I remembered the results, and was shocked when I said no one ever told me. I just assumed they were perfect (I don't think I'd been sick for a full year at that point).

The scan itself was quick, maybe 20 minutes, and I'll get a copy of my results in about two weeks after the endocrinologists look at it.

The rest of the week has been pretty shit. I had a hard time getting to see the dietician on Tuesday. I don't know. Everything just kept building and I broke down at a not-so-convenient time. Mum cajoled me out the door five minutes late after I gathered myself enough to change my Minnie Mouse pajama pants for some leggings.

I did okay-ish with her goals from last week, I guess. I only ate under 400 cals on two days (although that's about average anyway). I didn't manage to eat by 12, but I ate before 1pm twice.
After weighing me, she said I really need to aim for 600 minimum or else I'm going to run into trouble.

"I need to know that you can do it."
But what if I can't?

And I know that's what she's there for. That's why I first started seeing her - to help me slowly raise my intake to a level that's sustainable for my health so I can avoid certain risks.

But I don't know if I'm ready to start raising my intake again. Now it's 600, but what next?! 800, 1,000, 1,200? I don't know if I can do it. I mean, I eat up to 800 on some days, and can eat over 1,000 on occasion. But it's certainly not an everyday thing, and the thought of it being an everyday thing makes me panic.

*It's a long story that's hard to tell in full, but I posted a little bit about the Horrible Psychiatrist here, but it doesn't include all of the horrible things he said. I'll try to remember to write a proper post about it soon, since his words and actions still effect me so much.

One that really sticks with me was when he was sat opposite my mother and I, and he told me that everyone I love and care about, including my family, would get tired of me and leave me. My mum told him that "no, you don't know me, and I will never leave my daughter". He basically told her that yes, she would.
I still believe every word he said.



  1. Why are you so unpolitely? Ive only ask you someone and i only want to help you in any problems. You should be thankful, that im here for you. Im also only here to know something about us. What Problem have you with me? Do you want now get thinner and more fit? And the

    1. No! Just no!! Leave Bella alone.. Actually leave all of us alone.. GL with whatever you are trying to achieve.. That being said.. Go away and leave us alone...

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. (Bells, apologies, Blogger is acting up for me with comments today. But you're basically the sweetest most politest person ever so ignore this person)

    4. anaschallenge, your username is so ridiculously laughable, along with your shitty comments on beautiful Bella's blog. I won't be polite unlike Bella - go fuck yourself, you cunt.

    5. anaschallenge, your username is so ridiculously laughable, along with your shitty comments on beautiful Bella's blog. I won't be polite unlike Bella - go fuck yourself, you cunt.

  2. ignore the comment above. mostly because you're the most polite person I've ever met in my life, oh, and I have no idea what she's rattling on about. insane person just above me.
    now that I've ranted on about the insane one just above...let's talk about this post...
    I wouldn't recognize you if you wore bright pink. definitely. <3
    crap. what the fuck. i'm sorry.
    I found it interesting that they never told you your results. I mean nobody really tells me my results, but that's because it all goes back to Daddy Dearest and he tells me if there's anything wrong.
    i'm sorry about the fact that your week hasn't been the best sounding. :'(
    aw, my angel. i hope that you can. i know that you can pretty much do anything. i don't doubt you or underestimate your ability. i hope that it isn't too challenging.
    shhhhhhhh. don't think about it now. if she asks, say no. it's 600 now. that's all you have to focus on. do you think you can? i know you can. and if she asks for more, you have the ability to say no. a doctor-patient anything? you've always got the right to say no. and they can't really do anything about it. you have your reasons. of course, i'm not happy about you eating so low, but i was recovering from bulimia around the time that S. cajoled me to recover, and i know how hard it could be when you're crying the whole day to find anything appealing. and i'm the whole binge-binge-binge type of person, and i was effected in that same way, so i cannot imagine how hard it must be for you. i don't like the idea of another stressor added on for you when you're feeling so lowly. but 600. that's all she's asking right now. that's all you have to focus on. do you get what i'm saying? i feel like this is just a jumble of incoherent words.
    *opens post*
    what a fucking asshole. i wish i can sock him in the eye. seriously? how can you say that to anyone? i swear that they shouldn't dare let any person be a psychiatrist!
    can i just tell you that i don't? i don't even have to know everything he's said. you are such a kind beautiful person and you are just in pain, and i hate that you are in pain. and nobody should ever say that you are not worthy or undeserving of anything. they don't know you. they don't know what you had to go through. they only know the shallow surface of you, and they don't deserve to be in your head.
    i love you angel. i truly do. take care of yourself. i hope nothing that I've said made you feel worse, and i hope that something i said made you feel a little bit better. if only for a moment.
    if you need anything from me, you know how to reach me, don't you?
    <3 i love you so bloody much.

    -Sam Lupin

  3. I can see you slink inside the hospital in a large floppy black hat and dark sunglasses, like a star from the 20's, in a long frock, paparazzi hanging after you. That would make for an entrance!

    Only you can decide when - if - it's time to raise your intake. Pressuring yourself is not going to help. I wish you could take supplements, but it's the same there; you shouldn't make yourself do anything that will make you feel worse.

    (Horrible Psychiatrist sounds like my former psychiatrist that made me cry every single time, basically calling me a fake. Death is not enough)

  4. I have MET this horrible bad mean psychiatrist and I can back bella up 110% he should NOT be in the job he is unethical unsympathetic and simple just a douche he makes you believe the awful things he says and won't stop no matter your age background or history he is a simple ass! I refuse to see him now and haven't had to see him since I started refusing (when he made me feel suicidal for the first and only time)

  5. What problem to youve with me? I only want to be nice to you. Ive help some People good with my tips. And whatever happen, im ever for you here if youve any problems. If you want get skinnier and more fit, i can really good helps. Its all okay?

  6. Bells I am so sorry that this anaschallenge asshole is bothering you too
    This is the last thing you need
    He/she has been annoying me to
    And it is really out order
    I just wrote a post directed at her
    So I hope she takes notice
    I'm not even convinced it's a real person as the English is so bad

    Oh don't get me started on horrible psychiatrists
    I have met my fair share over the years
    Who treated me like a diagnosis rather than a person
    Who had no empathy or compassion
    And said the most dumb ass things
    They are the problem Bella
    They have issues
    Don't waste your energy worrying about him
    Karma is a bitch

    Love you x

    1. Oh dear, you too? She is bothering me as well! Is there any way we can report the blog/blogger?

  7. I'd probably still recognize you :P But you look beautiful in anything. Black matches your hair better though. (sorry, I've been analysing my mum's fashion a lot and I can't resist doing this to everyone, lemme know if you want me to stop?)
    Sorry, I'm a bit when you take your birth control you lose your period forever?
    Oh, I'm sorry you had a rough week :(
    How about you ask her to take it slow? I don't eat anything before 12 normally but sometimes I drink coke zero or soy milk.
    Nonono Bella dear he's evil don't you listen to him. Your mother won't leave you she sounds very devoted from your descriptions.


  8. That psychiatrist sounds like someone who should not be a psychiatrist to a rock, let alone a human being! Gahhh!

  9. Whats the Problem? Ive only offer help and thats absolutely okay. Its now all okay with you? I mean it good.

  10. Bella, I'm trying to imagine you in bright pink. Heck, I can't imagine me in bright pink! Thanks for bringing a smile to my face. I hope the bone scan results come back looking good! I'm really proud of you for eating before 1pm, I struggle with that as well. As for increasing your calorie intake, you can do it. You deserve it. Your body deserves care and love and so does your mind and so you do and every single part of you! You can do it. Let me know if there is anything that I can do to be there for you. Also, I'm realizing that I'm awful at responding to email! I'll get back to you tomorrow morning (my time). XO

  11. No problem. You can also lose pounds without losing muscels. If you make many Sport you lose fat and get a little bit muscels during your diet. If you want lose 16 Pounds/month read the tips on my blog. Does it helps?

  12. Make yourself no worries. You will really anytime get a more wunderful skinny body. I promise you hard to work that you reach your superbody. The others shall you admire and envy.

    1. You tell em Bella, this person has no right to bombard you with comments if you don't want them on your blog. You don't deserve this harassment.
      Anaschallange, leave Bella alone!

    2. I'll have to assume that Ana Master is the same tosser douchebag, or one of his cronies. Piss off.

    3. I'll have to assume that Ana Master is the same tosser douchebag, or one of his cronies. Piss off.

  13. Plenty of people in the wrong jobs.