Saturday, 10 January 2015

18 Days

The Mental Health Nurse is leaving.

She told me that she's being moved to another team, and she's finishing at the end of February. But she already has holidays booked for February, so really it's the end of January.
Queue tears. But I can't say I wasn't expecting it.

I don't think I've cried during a therapist breakup before.
Yes, I'm frustrated that everything seems so aimless and I take so little away from each appointment, but it seems like I'd only just reached a point where I could say "this isn't helping, this is what I need you to help me with" when she first told me she'd be leaving. And I actually get along with her and can talk to her on some level. Not about problems or things that are bothering me, but I can hold a conversation with her about light subjects. As stupid as that sounds, I've never had that before.

"It's jut a shame that we've only had such a short time together. If I'd met you three years ago, then we would've had three years together and things might be different."

She said that normally at this point, they'd either look at discharge or referring me on to someone else, but they can't really do either with me because I'm so terrified of psychs... and getting past those issues was the whole point of working with a MH nurse first, but yeah, well... I just can't do it, the fear is so great. And it can't be out of the clinic, because it's one of my few safe spaces. There's no one else who fits the criteria of a) not being a psych (-ologist or -iatrist), and b) can work from my clinic.

There's no help and nothing I can do.

I didn't know if I should bother making another appointment, especially if it was just the one more. It would just be dragging out a painful process. I didn't even want to go to this appointment because I didn't want to face it to be honest. But then I remembered that my dietician is now away for the next few weeks, and I would be totally without support, so she made me three more weekly Wednesday appointments. The last day I see her is the 28th, the day after the dietician gets back.

I saw my GP the next day, and she's upset about it too. She's asking everyone to write a letter, myself included, that she'll send to The Powers That Be. It doesn't have to be long, even just a paragraph about what I hoped the MH nurse would help me with and why I need her. 

I'm a bit clueless as to where to even start. I feel like whatever I even start to write down is wrong.
I think it's got something do with agoraphobia, because she's the only mental health professional at my clinic. There's the issue of trust and consistency, that she's the first MH help I've had in years, the fact I can't just go see a psych. I don't know. Is any of it even relevant? What the hell am I supposed to write?

Any tips or suggestions would be greatly appreciated because the whole thing's just too much to process right now. The only option left is if The Powers That Be decide to listen to this letter my GP is putting together, and even then I don't have much hope.

Everything's changing and I don't like it. I'm just so lost. So stuck. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry I've been so bad with updating this week. This year went to shit really fast and the last few days I haven't been functioning at all. I'm either breaking down in a blur of tears and self-harm or I'm sitting staring at the wall because I don't know what to do with myself..

To top things off, my phone screen broke this week, so reading and typing has been frustratingly slow so I haven't been able to get around to commenting as much as usual, but I just wanted to say thank you to you all for your support and kind messages. You guys are my lifeline. I honestly don't know what I'd do, or if I'd still even be here, if I didn't have this little blogosphere.

Oh, and I'm on my first round of antibiotics for my chest in 2015 already. Fan-fucking-tastic.

My new keychain, supporting The Butterfly Foundation.
It's about the only 'hope' I've got right now.

Even my strawberries have died.



  1. Oh...sweetie....
    As if the universe collapses.... Why...why when you try to establish a relationship with the MH nurse, is she moved away.... I cannot image what that must do, in your head... and also that you're the only one relaying on her. Not only people who don't want to go to a psych but also, sometimes the care of a MH nurse is far more compatible then a psych.

    I am so sorry for you... I wish we could all write a letter in your benefit too....
    Maybe you could indeed write that you haven't had help for so long and there hasn't been a match inside the clinic to work with you on whatever improvement possible, and now the one person that might be able to make a slight difference gets moved away...
    And what it means to you to 1) be able to work on a stable working relationship 2) build some form of trust 3) do it in one of the only environments you are able to go to (clinic).

    And on antibiotics already... blugh... What a stupid start of 2015....
    (I broke my shoulder again in the night of 31th and 1th, also so stupid... grrrr ;-)) (I decided I would count that as last years loss and pretend it's not this year's beginning)

    Do you like having fruit and vegetables to care for? Or flowers?


  2. You put it so well in this entry, write that. That without the MH you are lost. I am so upset, how can they do this?! At least you've got people, like your GP, on your side. Fight!

  3. Dear ...

    "Please don't move so and so to another team. my name is bella and I have 'x' and 'y'. I have had many struggles in the last year such as 'a', 'b' and 'c' and this MH nurse is someone who I feel can really make a difference. I can't go any further afield due to agraphobia. I'm sure other people in the area really need this service so kindly consider not taking it away from us. Yours faithfully...."

    Just throw something down. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Heck d9nt bother trying to make it good. You don't have to win a Miles Franklin Award, just try make it honest. You'll be glad you have it a bash.


  4. Write it as you wrote here - if it makes the issue clear for readers of this blog, it will be even better for people who know whole case, and asked you to put it into words. I believe even having ordinary conversations is important so starting it over with someone else will be difficult.

    I broke my phone screen too and it's really frustrating, those devices are so shitty right now...

  5. You're only 10 days into this year. 2015 mightn't have been to successful so far, but don't write it off as having gone to shit yet! :)

    You explain how you're feeling so well in your blog. All you've got to do it stick together all the little bits you've already written. It's your health in question, so everything you feel like writing is relevant!

  6. I know just how you feel Bella
    I felt and still the loss of Mary so desperately
    I really do not understand why this happens
    It is so counter productive
    We build up a relationship with these people
    And that takes time and hard work
    Only for them to be snatched out of our lives
    I remember when Mary was moved
    My doctor wrote a letter similar to the ones that were written for your nurse
    I think you writing one could make all the difference
    Try not get overwhelmed
    Maybe first write down some bullet points of what you want to say
    Like how she had helped you
    How much it will effect you when she moves
    And how she is one of the few people who you feel comfortable with to speak to
    It doesn't have to be perfect
    Write from your heart
    Write from your pain
    That will surely get through to them

    I still miss Mary to this day
    Sometimes something will happen
    And I will think 'Oh I must tell Mary that'
    And then I remember I can't tell her
    And my heart sinks

    I really want to help in any way I can Bella boo
    If you want to email me
    Or show me a draft of your letter
    I am more than happy to do that

    Take care dear friend
    Always with ya x

  7. I'm sorry this is happening love. :( I can't imagine your anxiety. I think it's very important to demonstrate your role in your own treatment. If you don't take an assertive stance towards getting better you're liable to be thrown anywhere due to being under the severe and persistent mental illness category. I liked what you said in your post so I would write something to the effect of hi, my name is Bella, I'm diagnosed with this, this, and this, we've done this kind of therapy/treatment/whatever which is helping and I hope to see myself here, here, and here in the future but find it difficult to get there because of agoraphobia and difficulties with trust due to trauma/circumstances. It sounds harsh but if you don't actively take a role in your life you will end up being and feeling even more trapped and hopeless by not expressing an opinion. You can do this. I believe, I do. I hope it helped a bit. It's only stuff I learned in my program and work and I would have it song you back.

  8. I'm meeting my new shrink on Friday. Wont lie, I am not looking forward to it, but I think I owe it to my self to try before I stop.

    I think you should try to make a new appointment. And just try and see how it goes, and hopefully it goes better than expected.

  9. I'm sorry about the MH nurse : ( That's terrible that you're finally feeling close to someone and they can't be in your life to help you anymore, I think it's so important to find a health professional that you feel comfortable with.
    With your letter, you should just write about what your MH nurse did specifically for you and why you feel she's better than any other health care professional for you. As you've said, she has qualities that you feel comfortable with and it's hard for you to find that in just anyone.

    I hope things start looking up.
    You're great, don't forget it.

  10. aw, sweetie. i'm so sorry.

    I still don't like the thought of you crying. you're just too lovely to cry.
    also, it doesn't sound stupid. i'm so sorry that she's leaving. i really would give the world to help you in any way possible. i want to see you happy. i really do. i want to see you smile. and this is why i really want to write to you on any occasion because you said that my comments made you smile (PS. yours do too. i always smile when i see your familiar icon. you're such a dear).

    i'm glad that the GP is at least trying i guess, dear. <3 anything is better than nothing sometimes.

    i think a part of me just shattered when i saw the 'hope' keychain and you said it was the last bit of hope. i hope that these comments make you feel better, even if just for a bit and add to that small bit of hope.

    always hoping that things get better for you.

    my stomach dropped when i saw the 'even my strawberries have died'. this is a very painful post for me to read. i care about you so dearly and i hate to see you in so much pain. i can practically feel a good amount of it right from here. i feel physically sick because i really want to find the right words to say to you.

    here are words i want to say:

    1. i hope that you feel better. i really do.

    2. i really, really love you.

    3. i hope that sometimes things are a little less unbearable this week. just a little bit less. if i can do anything, just let me know. i really would do it.

    4. you make my day. you really do. you are so lovely. i can't imagine not knowing you anymore.

    5. you are so lovely. talented. smart. amazing. and you don't have to be productive every day. it's okay not to.

    6. it's okay not to exercise every day.

    7. i'm sorry that things had to turn out this way. hugs?

    -Sam Lupin

  11. comment reply!

    "It looks like you're scooping frozen yoghurt." well, um... I...

    "Obviously I've never been game enough to try Greek yoghurt. The supposed bitterness puts me off. I like mine artificially sweet and liquidy." i don't know how i feel about liquid yoghurt but i'm with you on artificially sweet. i add on lots of sucralose to my yoghurts usually, but i don't really have to do with this one. i should though add at least one...hmm. i'd say i forgot to but that's a lie. i just disregarded it. bad Sam.

    "OH YOU SON OF A BITCH! This is why we should read ahead before commenting." 1. i am a lady. 2. but what's the fun in that? reading ahead before commenting is sad. and it doesn't make you collect your thoughts as well. :'D

    (Like someone just mixed juice into it?
    "pineapple and pineapple juice from concentrate (8%)"
    That might explain it?)
    yesssss. that does explain it. well, it's exactly what it sounds like then!

    "This whole review sounds pornographic." it was. it was pornographic. i'm sorry. i might do it again. i do not plan for these. it just sort of happens spontaneously, but because I've got a slightly dirty mind i note the innuendo that i just made.

    "I get little chunks of strawberry in my yogurt. The texture is just wrong, so I put the whole tub through a sieve before I can eat it." i don't know. I've got a Fage Strawberry Fruyo and i haven't tried it yet. normally, i'm very fussy about textures clashing but for some reason, i have these odd exceptions. i wouldn't dare normally eat fruit flavoured yoghurt though, especially ones with chunk in it. i remember how physically sick some of them made me. not sure about why Fage is different!

    -Sam Lupin

  12. PS. i hope you sleep well tonight. <3

    fun fact: i yet again forgot which part of Aussie you're from so i remembered the time you told me to look it up on Facebook since i do have you on Facebook. brilliant. yeah. i forget quite a lot. also, i'm jealous of your weather. freezing here @ a pathetic 15 degrees. i want to cry.


    -Sam Lupin

  13. Oh, sweetie :( it's so hard when you get attached to someone and they have to leave.
    Don't be worried about what you're writing being "wrong", just write your heart out. It would probably make you feel better. I hope "The Powers That Be" will consider a good solution for you to let her stay.
    I hope you feel better soon dearie and do get your phone fixed >_<


  14. Oh Bella...I am so so sorry. I will be praying to the Powers That Be for your letter to work. I am so frustrated that when things start to go correctly for you, they're taken away. You are the kindest, wittiest, most warm-hearted person I have ever had the pleasure of "meeting" and it's just not freaking fair that you have bad stuff happening to you. You're in my thoughts, my dear.
    <3 Lee